Castrate those cats

What the heck! Not even a month after and those beasts are at it again! I hear this hideous scream as if one had been attacked, and then next thing I know, they're singing their song of orgasmic pleasure. @#$@# there she goes again with her wailing.

I mean, if you want to mate outside my house, at least do it in my view so I don't miss out on anything exciting! The cheek to do it where I can't see! So now all I can hear is blood-curdling wailing....

Poor Alex says that in his hometown, it's a normal thing to hear cats in passionate exchanges. There's a proliferation of them. There's a reason why his town is called Kuching....


Kuching means cat.

1) Which is worse, "I don't know, therefore I don't do?" or "I do yet I don't know". Is it better to go with the scheme of things without knowing why, or due to this lack of understanding, avoid it altogether?

2) Currently wondering whether it's a virtue to do things we don't like but have to do to do well in life, or whether the real virtue lies in doing something we like such that we do well in life. Well, in reality, I guess, hardly is there any way that we could actually do well if I we believe in the second option, which I believe to be true virtue, although I'm certain I could be wrong in my justification.

3) Read the newspaper. Clacked my tongue and hurled the newspaper in awful regret when I read that some young teenager died. Although he was really obese, it's really a pity to die so young. Just two seconds ago suddenly another guy I remembered spontaneously through some other channel of memory came to my mind; they say he died of nose cancer. While I am feeling awful that people my age die so young, I can't help but feel guilty that at times I'd wished I could just die also, even if I didn't mean it.

4) The onslaught of 'A' levels is once again taking my mind of the oddities of life. That's good.

I must persevere. Mind and will over body and flesh

Prelim results: accept them with dignity

When you are close to losing your sanity during the exam, make sure you don't do so when you get back the results.

I guess these last two weeks have helped me to prepare mentally to help bolster me when I get back my disgraceful results. Yesterday especially was really a help cuz the good times feeling still stays on that I'm still in a holiday mood. Of course, this must leave soon and give way to the ultimate mugger spirit soon, as the real thing draws nigh. Even now as the results start dropping from the sky, I'm kinda accepting them with dignity, knowing that I deserve them full well. So I shan't hem or haw: I would rather people not dwell on these results and look towards the real thing now, otherwise it will just serve as an impediment.

No denying my heart was racing at certain points of the day. I was especially shell-shocked when I got back my Bio marks, knowing that perhaps, I could've gotten something less disgusting as a grade. Well, can't blame me when I once again left out a whole darn essay question, and saw the nephron upside down (haha that took the cake; I only found out about my mistake when I got the paper back. I really thought that question was put there to save people's lives, not to trip us). Anyway so much for my good faith in my bio teacher's supposed compassionate and charitable spirit; there's no such thing as marks falling down from the skies. What was rather disappointing though was the fact that I failed my GP compre for the first time. And knowing the state of my essays (comments usually range from I don't understand you to stop rambling), we may be expecting a fail or a meagre pass. Veeh sad.

Anyway, like SOME people say, this is only the prelims LAH. I think I've learnt a lesson too much enough already from this episode: it's time to stop doing things the way I am now and revert to how I used to study: the smart, uncompromising and most of well, well-paced way!

Don't stay up late and cram last minute. This is usually the last resort of a desperate student who has been keeping things slow due to several reasons. Sleeping late into the night, boosting himself with caffeine and stretching himself for up to 10 hrs a day studying doesn't help. When I kept it at maximum 6 hours, I seemed to be doing much better. I owe it to the fact that my mind was most alert at that time and pelting it with so much information didn't end up in an overload where you can't stuff things into your brain as efficiently. That's why after this year I can't seem to remember anything for nuts at all. I haven't internalised it, and you need an alert mind to do that. For the same reason, 6-8 hours of sleep a day is imperative, not a luxury.

Remove complacency and plain butt-ugly pride. Sadly my case is that once I've proved that I can do something, I somehow rest on my laurels. Sadly, that's what life is about: the total opposite. Once you've achieved something you guard the position or you go higher. That's why life is sickening because in that case there's no way you can enjoy your fruits of labour eternally: conversely, you must strive and strive and strive forever. The top place in any human hierarchy oughta go to the talented who can afford to use less physical or mental resources on maintaining their state, not someone who has to work hard for it. But for now, I'm gonna prove myself one last time, and for a worthy cause: the future of my life.

Be patient with yourself. One must safeguard their mental state of health in such a crucial period. We often end up reducing ourselves by considering ourselves stupid or incapable. Such self-imposed mental barriers which make us lose faith in our true and probably repressed abilites only harm us. When doing problem sums and you find you keep getting the answer, don't get demoralised; try and spend more time figuring it out or ask a friend. There's a lot of time now to the A levels, so we can spend more time meditating on a question now, I guess. I feel this is method superior to asking a friend because when you do arrive at the answer, you know how you got there. Asking a friend may not guarantee you know you got arrive at the answer again. Make learning personal. And add patience to it.

Since time is running out, and I won't be blogging until long away, I shall duly sign out now. This has been a very humiliating experience as usual. I thank God alone for giving me such peace.

Bio: E
Chem: C
Maths paper 1: B
History: Unknown, just as history is normally....unknown

The funnest day of my life

Today, we went to see the Biennale at the City Hall. And thus the day commenced with me taking the cursed MRT train from Serangoon which reminded me of those boring one and a half journeys to NIE. And then I met my classmates at Subway, having my first sandwich there which wasn't anything amazing: I could make one at home.

Anyway, then more people joined us and we trooped down to the City Hall with its glaring pink windows thanks to the artistry that is the Biennale. In case you're wondering, it's pronounced BEE NAAH LEE (as in finale). So we entered and saw the exhibits, most of them extremely profound. A few are worth mentioning.

First, the Bohemian Rhapsody Project. The maker of this short film had to approach Brian May for the rights to use the Queen song and so Brian May my hero knows that Singapore exists. The video basically recounts the court room case where the criminal is undergoing his trial, and the whimsical argument that goes on in there. Unfortunately, I would say, although the concept of the film was really good, it wasn't dramatic enough. In fact, it had some sort of Singaporean staleness to it, calculated, and not heartfelt. But I think I'm just saying this because I've heard the song and I know how tense it is. The intention of the producer of this film was to transpose it into something you witness on a daily affair, so theatrics would have looked out of place. Never the less, I kinda liked the film because not only does it pay hommage to one of the greatest songs ever made in this era, it sought to capture its essence and did so quite well though turning this into a 'drama' would effectively take away the emotional essence of the song.

Another one was this little video which is slightly boring, but if you watch it long enough, it evokes some kinda profound emotion. This video was done on US dollar bills, so all the scenes and all are what you find at the back of the dollar bills. It starts off with the scene outside the Supreme court, and there's a single man, appearing very small at the foot of the stairs. And all you hear are these sounds of life going by, like cars, buses, men running in their black shoes, etc. The single man kinda just stays rooted in that position, looking around. He feels lost, and a bit dejected. Like he doesn't know what he's doing. And the next scene is of a Korean man shouting at some big shot in the supreme court/ parliament or whatever that picture on the dollar bill depicts. And he's talking about how Korea lost their culture, tradition, spiritual growth, etc. Very inflamed about something but I'm not familiar with the history so I didn't know what exactly was happening. One could assume that the lost looking man was the Korean person in particular, and so it means he was probably some big shot in the big apple trying to defend his people. And then it ends on another dollar bill scene, with the same sounds of life going by, with him standing still in one position, looking like an abysmal failure. After a long while, some really depressing Korean music starts and he walks away to the left side. Kinda feels sad. Dunno why..haha

Lastly, there were these dollar bills in another exhibit coming with different denominations also, but queerly, the currency was in minutes. Time is Money? Perhaps. Or maybe, it's trying to say that money is as valuable as money, and shouldn't be wasted since every minute is analagous to a precious dollar. Scribbles of people were strewn all over the exhibit with their philosophies on time. One particular eye-grabbing one was written in french, and it was something about time being extremely important and had to be used wisely to meet up with friends, spend time with family, etc etc before it ended. Those words came from a french drunkard. Haha. But it surprised me that I could actually translate it!

There were some other gripping artworks, too many to talk about here.

Then we wanted to go Esplanade to see 20 k's exhibtion but we realised it ended just yesterday. No matter. Before that discovery, we kinda rested in Mrs Field's (after I made a purchase at the Esplanade shop which I totally regretted later). While eating and lazing around, guess who I saw walking down the corridor? DICK LEE!! All by himself! And I gaped. And gaped. And was stunned. And I just let him walk by without asking for an autograph and getting a picture.

Ok, so that was a waste. But it didn't matter, I saw him again today on television. And guess what, the best thing happened tonight! After toiling through so many horrible episodes of Idol, it finally happened! Hady got the award! It's not that I don't like Jonathan, in fact, compared to the last season the final two were really amicable. I didn't appreciate Sly being in the top two. He even did a Chinese number that night I remember, so racist. Anyway, I still kinda regret that Mathilda didn't get through, otherwise she would have been the idol. And although I tried my best to ignore the lard spilling out of her gown, I imagined once again those days when I was totally her fan....ack ok stop it. Yeah, I liked Rahimah Rahim too! She's a good singer. What I didn't like at all was having that Energy pop band come. They made the worst Idolists sound good. I mean, they just can't sing! Thank goodness they were wise enough to add a two minute dance thing to their gig or else their performance would have been totally uninspiring. And after watching them, I wonder if Mrbrown still thinks Hady sucks. I boycotted Mr Brown, btw...I can't believe he could think Hady sucks when there are others out there in the industry who don't deserve to be there. Yeah. I mean, when Hady and Jonathan came out and continued singing from Energy the Stand by me, suddenly, it felt like that agonising minute where they were singing had been redeemed. Yeaaah. Electronico isn't bad, they've got hope. I think I shall take a minor interest in them.

Yup so there you have it! Hady, your new Singapore Idol!

Ok, that's a lot of typing. Now it's time to get sleeping or else tmrw I'd be dead. I kinda forgot the time table after being knocked outta orbit for so long...

On the Individual and a Collection of Individuals

This is awful. I put the title. I know what to say. I just don't feel like blogging it down. For certain reasons: 1) It may be slightly sensitive, but not one that I would normally refrain from blogging openly about. 2) I've completely lost the mood to continue typing on and on and on for so long. Most of the time I feel that halfway through my thoughts and ideas have been drained out and I can't write properly anymore.

I kinda wanted to talk about pride and certain ideas like communism, as well as exams and how forcing us to think quickly is self-defeating and dangerous in world politics. Stupid. I feel that I should just save myself the embarrassment and not let the world see my often incoherent, immature, and undeveloped thoughts and feelings.

But I like being vague.

On thursday morning, the movement was that Africa will become the world's next great exporter of food and agriculture. The economist assumes proposition, the geographer vehemently stands for the opposition, and the battle ensues while the cynic sits in the middle. The economist believes that the powers of education and proper distribution of goods as well as quelling corruption will achieve it's purposes. The geographer argues that mother nature has already ordained that place to be desolate, due to the changes that careless European states have not been aware of. The battle is heated; either side refuses to take to the other's view. On the other hand, the cynic, sitting very strategically in the centre, hears both sides and has a good picture of the real situation. But, being the cynic he is, cannot grasp the real complexity of the issue, which both the economist and the geographer are to a small extent blind to, and starts fearing.

Why do we argue? Why do we present views? Why do we balance and weigh? Why do we take GP? That's because the human intellect is so limited, so feeble, so finite, that it has not the capacity to accept that a situation is in its entirety, complicated, and devotes his energies to trying to simplify the situation so his puny mind can take it. Ironically, simplification leads to further complication; interpretation, personal paradigms and facets of life lead to different types of simplification, and now we must figure out which is the best one. From a complex maze, we must break it down into smaller bricks and then choose the best one.

What we learn as intellectual protocols are merely devices created and catered to creatures lacking any intellect. Now I identify with these ultra-intelligent alien races that refer to us as 'puny humans'.

But I foresee that one day, a single man who can surpass any human intellect in the present will arise and confound the world with his ability to analyse the complex picture from its initial stage without needing to break it up and argue after that. He will solve the problem seamlessly regardless of its complexity. People will mistake it for divine wisdom and will put him in such high reverance that they will nearly be worshipping him. Is that a good sign? No, it's the end of the world.

Children

I asked my little three year old sister to let me have a bite of her chocolate and she refused to let me. So I pretended to cry. She told me "Boys cannot cry!"

Gender stereotyping starts from young!

woohoo

So long never blog liao.

Ok, this week I've had a few exams that weren't any better than the previous few so forget it this has been terrible but never mind. Tomorrow got Chem S it's going to be really fun, considering the very first Chem test I did was a dismal failure. But chem S is quite fun considering the weird questions that come out...and seeing the answers to them is quite thrilling.

The world is weird as usual. Dunno la.

Planning on doing some real heavy reading! Now I'm just gonna concetrate on my last exam and then see what happens.

Aiya really no mood to blog liao.

The begining of the end

There are just two more exams for me and I'm done.

But Maths today was horrible. It's not a nice feeling when you look at the problem and you're blur, ie. not even knowing where to start. Sigh. What a blow. I can probably expect another E, or maybe an F even, just after I thought I got my stats concepts and all fixed. This is pathetic, really.

But even when my mom asks if I need help, I'm too full of pride to say I don't. I'm still under this impression that the only problem is me...and I think that's true to a large extent, but I'm begining to think that that's yet another lie.

Long line of lies strewn together that are finally being revealed to me.

I was hoping that after the prelims I could concentrate really very hard on my history, seeing that it's truly the weakest of all my subjects, but that was only under the assumption that I could prove to myself that I was stable in my sciences. Obviously, the prelims has wrecked that dream and now my revision goes back to drawing board.

Indeed, what's the point of setting papers like this? Ok, I admit that the sciences were relatively do-able, save for the time factor. It's just this maths paper that was fashioned to shred esteem to bits. Is it really to prepare us for the A levels, or is it to make a mockery of us, or to shock us into waking up and studying harder? They can't possibly say this is a matter of sifting out better students, because now there's no need to discriminate between better students and less deserving students, compared to the promos when S papers were being laundered. We're all part of the school and if the school wants to shine, then maybe it should concentrate on developing the whole school instead of concetrating on discriminating students. So setting hard papers is redundant. It would be more appropriate to give students a better feel of what we're up for.

As of now, I'm still on a campaign of clearing my doubts and misconceptions. The amount of misconcepts I have is shocking. I guess the only reason why I did well for 'O' levels was because from the start I had my concepts crystal clear. Due to the heavy content of the A levels I've just been shirking certain topics or things and not getting them right, or internalising them. Missing out that step just has disastrous consequences in the end.

So yes, exams you have successfully scared me but not into working harder per se. You've made me feel scared that I just won't be prepared for the final thing. And what might be the consequence? Demoralisation and lack of will to persevere. But I've already decided that these two ain't gonna exist in my dictionary from now on. It's going to be full steam ahead. I'm just scared because I don't have the confidence of knowing I can do well in the future, given the fact that I've screwed up every single exam so far.

Read a few people's blogs and they commented on their feelings of loyalty to NJC. Not many people are very proud of the school. I do know that certain people from certain secondary schools have a disposition to prefer certain other colleges due to the lineage of their secondary schools (ACS, Raffles, etc). Other people just subscribe to the fact that they need to get into a college that was good, and the other four colleges were probably too good for them, so NJ lor. It's even more shocking when teachers themselves admit that NJ is like a dustbin for RJ and HC rejects. Then, the student population gets peeving, where certain students belonging to a certain profile which I'm not elaborating on seem to be abundant. And that's not music to the ears. Some think about looks. Some about intelligence and character. And in all these aspects, NJ seems to be the underdog when you test the student population.

I, living in my own world at that time in Secondary school, decided that NJ would be my new school not due to the academia, but because I wanted it to be some kinda pilgrimage where I followed my heroes footsteps. Lol. I think I kinda perpetuated some sort of tradition in my secondary school's flute section haha, about the SL coming to NJ haha. Anyway, at that time, I was also quite impressed at the video presentation they had of NJ, and the flexible subject combination thing (which I realise a lot of other colleges have also I think). But I remember now, the ex-Andersonians representing NJC were the least impressive, when I compared them to those who were representing VJC and HCJC. So I kinda wonder what drove me to join NJ. hmmmm.

Anyway, I am glad to call NJ my home because through it all, I profess I had the best times of my life here. My musical pilgrimage was very fruitful, but I kinda have many regrets too. And I wanna comprain a bit...

NJ doesn't have the privelege of having a large proportion of students come from secondary schools with a deeply imbued culture, like how ACJC has their ACSians and MGSians, and how RJC has their Rafflesians from both genders, and the HCJCians have the TCHians and NYGHians. NJC has a very homogenous mixture, and indeed this is very pleasant aesthetically and is even used as a marketting device. But the problem is the school lacks any common culture, where students just naturally feel a sense of familiarity with the institution and comfortableness with each other. This is the Achilles heel: people are only happy during first three months, but Orientation and FTM does little to create that culture and then the rest of the year becomes rigorous academia and strife to catch up and compete. Then we revert to what we're known as nationally: muggers. So prevalent it has become that we just accept it and even consider it to be cool: the 'in identity'. Then how: other colleges have muggers also but they know how to have fun and when. They know that life exists beyond books, and that school is more than just studies. The bottom line is that school is more than mere school: it is a whole range of other things that I can't explain too well just now.

And I think the school doesn't realise this and I don't think it's just the duty of the Student Councillors to take a unilateral front in producing some form of culture in NJ (known as creating new cheers and banners). The teachers themselves don't have a sense of belonging to NJC and are wondering what they're doing here. Much criticism of the upper rungs of the school administration exists but I can't say much here. The teachers, upper administration and students must all make a united effort in discovering themselves, with the teachers and student council taking the helm. Teachers and admin cannot take this school as a mere organisation to run: many know that such things don't last long or aren't scintillating in reputation.

Having some form of school press would be really nice, too. I wish the College pub could be more active but the Greyvine seems quite slow. Having more articles will allow people to be more aware of things around them within the school, and that is crucial for culture. And articles don't necesarily have to be about school events. They can be ordinary articles written by students, jokes, serious stuff, intellectual stuff, anything college related. More people have a stake and say in the college. My secondary school realised this and produced short quaterly issues of something I can't remember what. Even in my primary school, did they have such a thing! I can truly say that the thrill of reading about my primary school and its surroundings every month helped me feel a solidarity within my primary school, and I'd be proud to say I'm from St. Gabriel's primary school than any other school I've been to.

Ok it's late so I gotta drop this like a heavy anvil and sleep. I wanna go school later haha. So I'll be waking up in three half hours maybe? Dunno la. Dun feel like going school anymore le.

The last week. To salvage, is it possible?

I guess the point of having more than one paper is not only to test people on all their topics, it's also for people to save their @$$es if they screwed up a paper. Surely, a student who is mildly strong in a subject has his weak points and strong points and capitalising on his stronger areas in a subject is one way he can pull his score up. As for me, tmrw is stats and the thing can confuse creatures who have no logic such as me. So, it is going to be a highly entertaining paper. I predict it's not going to be a walk in the park either because looking at previous paper's trends, I realise that if the first paper is easy, the second one is not that easy. I need to learn how to concentrate and make no small mistake, read the question carefully and all that. Yes, for a three hour paper one needs utmost concentration. I guess the good thing about Anderson's plumelling you with exams and tests is that after a while you become sharper. Or maybe that's because I took them more seriously last time. Now, I just try to survive and I'm not pushing my limits. Yes, indeed I am cranially limitted and expanding it is going to take lots of hard work.

Speaking of hard work, I'm putting my foot down on it. Right after the exams, I'm going to slog it all and make sure that I can nail the big one. This probably means I'm going to spend my birthday as meaningfully as I did two years ago during the O levels, one week before my French exam. SIgh.

I finally went back to the MSN groups that I set up for my flute section four years ago. Wow, got two new messages after three months! Got a few new pictures too! I'm very very proud of my flute section now, and I'll try my best to go for the next outing.

Since I've been doing so much International History these last two days, I kinda looked at my past, especially the dreaded 'band politics' of Anderson and tried to relate them. Suddenly, I took a really revisionist view. For one, I kinda thought to myself that the thing that happened in Sec 3 when one very vocal Sec 1 student decided to explicitly show his displeasure at the senior's supposed 'arrogance', 'hypocritical behaviour' and 'sadism' in making them pump on the band MSN boards. As for the last point, it was a boy who made these comments, which utterly disgusted me, because already the punishment was so lax (20 push ups, knuckle or not); in my time we went through 70 in a day itself. If not for that, I wouldn't have been able to get A for my inclined and all. After his brave outward display of displeasure, a whole band of others joined his outcry and then there was a war of words from all cohorts. It was good too because some people were humiliated in the process...I guess the whole thing made us realise our mistakes and we worked on it. On the other hand, it never rid of the displeasure and suspicion, and problem I simply blame on the exclusive clique culture in my school. I thought to myself that such vocalisation was inevitable in any institution; why did we oppose it so much last time? Of course the tone and approach the guy used was intolerable. Then again, I think the attitude that some of us including me was taking was that of elevation: the year 1s had no right to vocalise because most of what we did was right for them and they weren't able to see it. That kinda, made us arrogant, didn't it? So I suppose, that we were wrong to keep our distance and deny them the right to say something. We were just uncomfortable that it would deal a blow to our prestige, but then again, in any political institution all over the world that's the story of their life; their response to people's needs will gain them the prestige they need. But the problem is that there will always be needs and so their prestige is always balancing precariously. A band is much easier to please and garner support.

Another trend I observed was that us seniors were long trying to impose the traditions and paradigms that had been passed down to us although times were clearly changing, as it was a matter of prestige to the band and our seniors' work. So, we criticised to younger ones for taking a more 'motherly' approach instead of the strict disciplinarian, the one we were more comfortable with, saying that it was causing people to go out of control. Or at least I thought so, dunno about the rest. What I realised later on is that firstly, we were not really 'military' in essence anymore; heck even our drills had deteriorated in comparison to our standard in 2002. We were also stripped off our 'military' title after some MOE (or is it a school's?) reform. The relationships being formed within the junior cohorts was starkly different from what we were brought up with, and how we conducted relations with them. I think that after trying to keep on enforcing the disciplinarian mentality on them, it meddled them up further. I think if we had given them more freedom they could have found the formula to keep everything in perfect balance. We could be there to show them the way instead of paving them back onto our path. It's kinda like how Gorbachev and his policies were in tandem with the changing times, and how economic and political reforms were needed. And the fact that it assisted to a certain degree, but only that amount, showed that just as it was necessary to outstrip the market economy model, we should've taken out our own method and let them keep up with the times.

I'm quite aware there are still some residual problems and unhappiness in AMB but it's better to recognise them instead of keeping them low down, seriously speaking from experience. And I'm really pleased with the direction it's going. They say it sounds better and I'm really excited to see how, I'm sure an opportunity will come around. I feel very proud, although for many years you gave me a lot of problems and insecure feelings, even my own section and section people. It helped me realise what a lousy person I am as a leader, and probably even a future father, given my position as the only male in the flute section at that time. Although you helped me realise my weaknesses and I saw yours too, we all love each other for who we are. Time and absence can't really separate us. I'm sure that AMB is heading for greatness and I'm with you all the way. I'm coming back for your concerts even till I die. :D

Prelims Overkill

Well, they weren't difficult. Unfortunately, I've come to realise that my lack of practice and discipline has caused me to have a psychological problem of taking my time and doing things very deliberately instead of pitting my brains against the clock. This has probably wiped out 20 marks from all papers so far, leaving me with near to no hope of getting a decent grade. Well, I hope this changes. Exams are really more a mental challenge than anything else...

After prelims, I'm going to play like no tomorrow, and then I'm going to start really putting my foot on the accelerator of muggin'.

I wonder if people would judge me from my outer appearance as being calm, composed, indifferent and unperturbed to anything that's thrown at me. I think most would know that I'm not by now...

Ok maybe I shall indulge in some really childish banter...

You all know that one of my life long obsessions was Sonic. Lately, since his few cartoons and the games that have developed his canonical character even more, I've been quite fascinated at his laidback attitude. Not exactly laidback, it's more of a 'don't fret, we can handle it' attitude. However, I suppose I interpreted it wrongly, or there's an inherent irony in his character that I never cared to observe properly. It's how he can be in a mad rush at one point in time, and at another, he's absolutely still and lazing around (on top of the roof of Chris' house, in the Sonic X cartoon series haha).

"Don't worry!" was his mantra. I thought it was quite attractive and compelling, and to many people, I appear to be that sorta guy who is, as I was speculating awhile ago, unperturbed by anything. I guess that when it comes to affairs that aren't directly connected with me, or if I'm in a group where I'm aware of synergy, or I'm in a position to keep my people calm, then that's me. Otherwise, when I'm left all alone, I have a serious panic problem that doesn't show outwards but my gastric butterflies and heart rate prove it. With this in mind, the idea of 'not worrying' becomes even more attractive that it nearly approaches a state of necessity.

Then I was thinking about Sonic again. Why does he run around so much? Why does he zip here and there? Did I fall for a lie, that my 'hero' was telling me to relax? So, while I'm conducting my life and behaving in the most relaxed way as possible, it's taking a toll on my efficiency in the mental faculties and this is manifest in my slow pace in prelims.

Then again, I realised that he was born to be fast. Speeding is his passion; he does it for fun. Although he runs to save the day, he never worries about not being able to save it. So ultimately, he's under no pressure when he runs fast. The reason why he's never under pressure is because his gift always supplies him away out of danger, or a way to a solution, or it can be used as defence or offence. Suppose he wasn't mighty fast, then what would he do? Compounded with that, and a few other thoughts that I had about strife and what people do to break out of the perception of mediocrity to appear accomplished, I came to a conclusion. In life, the only true people who can experience no problems in the relaxation part of it, are the truly talented; those that have the power, intelligence, and resources to depend on, compared to those that are fighting to achieve that level. The fight, in itself, is stressful.

Now that this is done, I shall go to sleep. Blogging is really therapeutic! Even if what most I say is nonsense and consists of lousy thought.

My head hurts

Wah, all this jamming of information, it hurts like an anvil dropping on my head. Imagine, first History, and now Bio. Thank God they're not on the same days, otherwise that would surely mean doom. I think I belong to a terrible combi...an extremely fulfilling, interesting and refreshing combi but really hard to shine and do well combi. I guess that one must just appreciate the intangible benefits of such a combi instead of regretting the difficulty it poses...

Anyway, Chem was a terrible screw up and I might actually flunk it. It was quite manageable actually, except food chem I guess, and a bit of the titration curve thing. Of course I missed out on a lot of inorganic chem but forget it now. I've discovered yet a new weakness in me and it's called Either Or. Choosing the wrong one will cause you to sufffeeerrrr....

Bio and Maths tomorrow. This might be the worst exam in my life. But let's enjoy every minute of it shall we? The pain and the remorse it brings is priceless...so let's just bask in its pleasure

On Stand your Ground

I don't know why, but for the last three to four years I've been living by this little image that I conjured in my mind.

Imagine yourself in a desolate, god-forsaken landscape with parched soil, and in an ironic juxtaposition, you see the overcast sky so thick with black clouds that it feels like night. Lightning lashes it's fiery white branches across the sky, and dangerously close to the ground surrounding you, while the thunder that follows each flash billows deafeningly. Just as the winds rush past you and into each other, somewhat creating this hurricane-like projection from the ground around you, the rain begins to plummet towards the earth.

And right in the middle of all that, you face the sky bravely, defiant to the wrath that nature threatens to inflict you with. You stand your ground, refusing to move.

Certain instances have dictated that I stand my ground, not look weak, although petrified, and resist. Even though pain may be your retribution.

I feel you make more an impact if you can stand up for what you believe in, instead of bowing down to rhetoric or empty promises. You project an image of steadfastness, a quality that is admired in an ever-changing world.

But this is easier said than done, knowing that standing by your beliefs may cause some to be hurt, others to be ostracised, and yet others to receive unwarranted glorification. It's even riskier to ruminate upon whether your beliefs are justified: for sometimes when you examine it even more closely, you realise that there may be some fallacies. It's shaking to think that you've been living by beliefs that are fallacious, because no one wants their lives to be grounded on untruths.

Hmmmm musings like these should not be existing one day before the exams...

Anyway, I'm becoming increasingly disenchanted with my prospective life and sad to say, I'm can't seem to be bothered anymore. A man who lacks direction is doomed. Yet, I can't reconcile direction with selfish gains, the path I see many people take. I've always lived, albeit a tad hypocritically, by the philisophy that I want to do something that will impact another soul more than mine. Somehow, that's why being an educationalist has its charm. Sadly, many people can start off with lofty dreams and ideals, and through the years, they get disillusioned and become mediocre or laissez-faire about their occupation. There are two factors at play here: time and people. Time, because its constant ticking opens your eyes to these facts of life that lead to your eventual disillusioning, and people, because most of the time, you realise that the people whom you wanted to help out in the first place are so rotten that they don't deserve to be helped at all. And I see that coming for me and many others. And that's why it seems like the future looks bleak.

But ultimately, the only reason why one's future looks bleak is because they've got no character at all. They don't have the positive spirit to take up the challenges, fix their eyes on a goal, and work towards it. I admire such people. But then the cynic in me blatantly accuses such people of living in a dream, a bed of roses, thinking that sheer determination will get them what they want, including their dream-like life. Their goals are attainable but their goals have not been examined. What in this secular world is permanent, satisfying and therefore, worth working for?

I don't mean to say these things to demean my many great contemporaries (friends) who have the success philisophy, in fact to the greater extent I'm trying to list my inadequacies and look at them from the outside. In doing so, it proves one thing; that my inability to separate my the many sections of my multi-facted life is going to be my downfall, for I cannot divorce what goes on in one part of my life with the other. Emotions, ideas and paradigms diffuse through to every part of my life, and in that sense, my failure to compartmentalise them not only corrupts each section, it leads to my inevitable inefficiency in managing these aspects of my life.

Sheesh, I get this notion that my constant agonising on this blog chases people away.

But get this right, in no way am I chronically displeased with myself. I was thinking in the bus the other day, trying once again to understand myself like all adolescents try to, and somehow, spontaneously, I realised that these ideosyncracies served to only strengthen my individuality, helping me feel proud of who I was as a person. No one else in this world is like me, and that's something you can't beat.

To capitalise on this fact, I think, would be many people's highway to 'success'.

Stand your ground

Life guarantees you instability,
Promises of strife abound,
Keep strictly to your sanity,
Better stand your ground.

The award goes out to the man who believes
In the psychology that rambunctiously
Claims that man will win and can solely
Determine his destiny.

Why be cynical and think that if
Humankind has come so far,
Evolved to the point that we
Now have the power to touch the stars?

We follow the ways that man has devised
To redeem us the coveted prize.
What prize is that if
We follow the way man has devised?

Blind pride and deceit, conceit, we've successfully
Persuaded us man's march can't be stopped.
So foolishly we're humbled by
The small things that prove us naught.

But that which is certain, I humble believe
Life's a storm that's brewing everyday
A captain can follow the route till so much
His life depends on what his heart will say.

The award will never reach the hands,
Of the man who seeks selfish repute.
But the one who seeks and finds and owns
The ground that stays faithful to his foot.

Here we go

Ok, the exams are coming in three odd days and I'm sorely unprepared. Every new term brings new hope of destruction.

I was telling my friend that constantly getting Bs, Cs and Ds that actually give you a decent percentile can be quite damaging because after a while you get immune to them and actually consider them to be good grades, so long as the percentile puts you in good standing.

I also wonder why the IMF people don't like Little India dirty and strewn with posters. For once, Little India actually resembled India and I swear when I saw the picture, I thought it was taken back home. Keep the mess and let the foreign delegates feel the same way, the same charm of walking through an Indian street. What, they're way too much a royalty to actually enjoy the right to go down wht may be considered a low-down filthy street belonging to a backward society? Hey, they're coming to Singapore to make sure it's not backward anymore...

I wish I could go to India again raaaah...

Omg why am I saying raaahhh now...I thought only those nutty girls from Yuxin's class said it...yikes I'm turning nutty. Worse still I might be turning into girl...ack.

Ok, back to mugging. Miracles can happen...

Sadism

Hahahaha flush of sadism....show me more of those deluded teen girls rightfully crying for their undeserving idol (cuz they actually know full well deep down inside he's gonna get kicked out). Yes pan over more of them, shedding tears, dehydrating themselves for no good reason! Show me those deaf lasses suffer as their idol teeters on the verge of banishment from the show!

Oh, how you could LOVE the media sometimes! Muahahahahahaha!

Now, there is real competition from the three most competitive contestants on the show. Salvation has finally become of the show!

Anyway, my attempts at studying are being thwarted by the evils of getting stuck and trying to figure out what's wrong. I really think that the next two weeks are going to be mega scary.

Was thinking about Bio...I kinda understand what's happening, but then I realise that although I know full well that Bio is a mugger topic and I even preach about how memorising is so important, I realised I never did it properly. I was thinking that I'd be able to do the structured questions quite ok, but give me an essay where you have to explain things from scratch with precision (and drone on and on about things that don't even matter ultimately), I'd probably fail. For example there was a question on how a nervous impulse passes down a myelinated nerve, and I was slightly blank. Checked the answers and I don't even think half of the points I thought of were there.

Now the question is, can I actually tell myself that even if I didn't do well in the end, at least I tried my best? Normally such a consolation is possible if you did your best in the first place. Given the time I had this week I think I spent it rather wisely putting it to some good use, but I didn't study smart at all. I think right now, the only way to study smart is to study ahead of time. Get the headstart, clear the misconceptions, start anew.

I think that the prelims will be a disaster for me as always. I think it may be my most devastating yet. It will be so bad that my parents will probably be absolutely shaken, considering that I've been assuring them I've been doing relatively 'well' and that I could always do better next time. They wanted to put me through Maths tuition, but a little confidence and a lot of pride prompted me to say no, because I knew that Maths was just a matter of knowing what to do, and doing it accurately. It's not like I can't do well for Maths. I can, but given the pressure, I just can't seem to do it. Just imagine how silly it is- it happened to me a few times today also- I do a sum, I reach the last few steps and it doesn't seem right, when in actual fact if I just looked closer or tweaked the things, then I'd get the answer. How frustrating is that. Now I'm just going to race through the paper. If I can't even conceive how to do it, flyyyyyyyy....

Chemistry: I need to go through my inorganic desperately. I seem to be clueless as to how to do the last few chapters of the year although they're the most recently taught. Bah.

History dooooom. Biology and history cannot co-exist in the same brain, I realise.

So how do I resolve this...it's gonna be tricky.

I think sufficient sleep and a healthy lifestyle could actually do wonders though!!! So let's try...

Life is like Maths

Life is like a sticky maths question. Just as it is wise to move on and make up for not knowing how to do that question by completing others, perhaps if you just can't do something in life, there's no point persevering and frustrating yourself ultimately. Moving on to something more manageable, and more meaningful, will probably be the wiser move. If that's really the case, maybe I should start brainstorming...

Moving onto less contemplative issues, I kinda pieced everything together, and I finally realised that what Ruby Pan spoke in was actually the Talking Cock in Parliament, which was where Rasull played in, incidentally. That was why, towards the end of the youtube recording of Ruby Pan, I heard some flute sound in the background. Shame on you, Rassull.

Anyway, I'm watching a few of the videos. I really love Ruby Pan! She's so cute! And she switches accent so amazingly well! hehehe

Rasull...cool man...he switched from his silicon carbide flute mouthpiece thingamajig to clarinet and then a super out of tune oboe but it was a good performance.

Out of all the photos of the event, only about 5% of the photos feature him. All the other guests had more taken of them. So unfair...the musician always gets the least recognition...

Just two days?

Wow...it's only been two days once again since I last blogged and yet it feels as if a century has passed.

Last two days I've only clocked about 5-6 hours of studying a day. That's really not going to be enough to save me from my prelims.

Today I checked out the new Bishan library hoping to study there. But I didn't, because all the seats were taken and Cafe Galillee was full too. But I met Huijuan there for the second time in three days, and at another library. The last time I sighted her was outside the Ang Mo Kio library with her mom or someone. This time, it was with her IP kid friends. Haha so cute.

Then, since it sucked and was so noisy, I emigrated to the big McDonald's around the corner all by myself. Did food chem and realised to my disbelief that coincidentally, this was the second time I'm studying for food chem at McDonald's! I guess, we've never done enough food chem practicals in the lab...so I took the initiative to do my own experiments.

Started getting noisy there so just for the heck of it I smsed Sid and asked him if he was joining me, and instead, it so transpired that I went to the comparatively peaceful Golden Village de Burger King dere. It was SOOOOO QUIET. I mean it! So, this shall be my new hangout in the future if I need to study.

Anyway, I really hope to spend a good long day at the library one of these days after the prelims and get myself some good reads. There're quite a lot of comic books there...maybe I can indulge in some of those too...

Sigh...I really regret finding the magic of the library so late in life, around sec 4 JC 1 that time...if only I had hung out there more often. Reading is fun when it takes you away from the mundanity of school texts.

I realised something new today...I can complete Chem MCQ on time. I can screw it up well too...

Bah. These exams are going to be really nerve-wrecking once again, but I mustn't lose my head...it's the only way to survive.

My pimples are so intelligent, they seem to be taking on some symmetry. Like there's one on both ends of my eye brows...how can they form such intelligent designs?

Taking to Sonic Adventure DX again, just those few short stages that I downloaded from the demo. I found out a few nifty tricks Sonic can do that I never knew before. Sigh, if only I could get the game for PC; I'd never get sick of it. Although the game is full of glitches and bugs and I can do lots of weird things and die very easily (actually it's kinda ok considering that I can collect 100 rings quite easily or collect life power-ups), the depth of interactivity you can have with the environment especially in the running stages is addictive. Sigh...my wish was to be fast like Sonic when I was young. Stupid, unrealistic dream.

Ok, this is one of the most random entries I have done in my life...it's fine because GP is over and I can afford to drop any coherence that is sorely lacking in me...

Black or White

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud-Nk7e261w&mode=related&search=

This is black or white by Michael Jackson, before his nose fell off, in the days when he looked slightly more human. Of course the day he looked human was too long ago to remember.

I love the music video because...I remember sitting down in my living room in India in Pune I think, watching the video. It's a really weird video, nothing makes sense but it's really fun to watch. I especially remember clearly the kid (McCully Culkin I think) blasting his E. Guitar and making his father fly out of the room. I also remember the last part where the faces just keep on changing.

Nice song! Enjoy watching!

Hmmm

Oh I used to think I knew what I wanted to do in life but now it's getting more and more plain that I never did. I'm at this stage where suddenly I find myself having more than one interest, and the number of elements inside this set of options for future career are increasing. On the other hand, I realise that I haven't had real exposure in such areas and now I'm scared that if I were to actually try them out, later on I'd reel back and realise I was never cut out for it.

I wonder if people who really know what they want in life actually do know. How did they decide on that particular direction? Did they accidentally fail to take into account other options that might be more satisfying? Does the possibility that they may finally realise that it's not the job for them ever cross their mind?

And satisfaction. Is it true that the job that I want will truly satisfy me? The salary, working hours and the incentives or plusses may be one part of the story. The other part, like your conviction or your reason for doing it, is it really what you think it is? I know many people who've told me they want to become doctors because they recognise the nobility of saving lives. Ironically, the same people are also afraid of blood, and afraid of bearing the responsibility of not being able to save that life etc. For the others who are more staunch believers of the nobility of saving lives, I ask them if they want to raise a family and all that and whether they're aware how much of their life would be caught up just doing work, and they give me all sorts of answers of course, but I'm more concerned for those who overestimate the greatness of their potential job. How then do you reconcile your job with your beliefs, aspirations and conviction?

After all, I' hearing many things from many people that are disillusioning me about what I'm interested in. I guess all these things will be thrown at you to keep you off-track. But they could be true, no, in fact they are true. I suppose one can only make something worthwhile for themselves.

For me, I want a job that will compel me to work hard for it. It mustn't stifle my individuality and penetrate my personality. For that, I will not tolerate excessive overworking. I believe something is wrong if you have to work more than you have to just to 'keep up'. That's not called progressing.

On the other hand, I've been thinking of really crazy thing but I've learnt from experience that I never take risks, so I can entertain these thoughts but never bring them to fruition. The end of good and potentially beneficial ideas? Somehow, I think not. They may not be good and beneficial in the end. Like my idea of that school that integrates different forms of art together.

I think I like the quiet life. No need to have anything fancy to show off, and therefore, no need to strive to attain them. Like the story of the rich business man and the fisherman, I'm already happy the way I am. The only qualities I wish to display are those of a good and dedicated worker, which I doubt I have currently.

I need to change myself completely once I'm in NS and when I'm in university. I need to learn how to become a better person...not what I am currently.