Studying Bio and witnessing it...

According to many immature young students, biology is the study of anything that has to do with SEX...

As we all know, it's the study of life. And there's really more to life than sex.

But biology takes on a new meaning when one is studying ecology, and then you see the most atrocious thing happening outside the window.

First, it's the annoying squeaky rat.

Next thing I know, there's this wail of pleasure outside. A coarser groan underlines the females wails in orgasmic crescendo. It's obvious that there's a couple having sex just outside my house. Can't the couple be slightly quieter! I look through my window and see the faint outlines of the two in action. It's too hard to see much. The moaning and groaning continues for a VERY VERY LONG TIME!

Oh ya by the way, the noise was created by two cats mating. Why do you think I brought up the issue of the rat? That's how they must've met and decided to go for the shotgun...

Those frivolous felines were really getting on my nerves, I really wanted to go all the way there and kick them. But three things stopped me. 1) Too far...I needed to walk down my street turn round head to the HDB just to get there. Or I could try jumping out of my window or climbing the wall but I'm not very confident of crossing barbed wire. And I'm not Spiderman. Flying wasn't a very convenient option either. 2) Bah. It's for the continuity of their species. 3) SPCA.

This is the fourth time in two months I've heard cats in action! This place is going to be full of cats soon! Someone better ligate the female and vasectomise the male! At least that gets rid of the young while letting them have their much needed pleasure. Although I'd rather go with the castration of males, I'd be a humane human and allow this lower species to at least keep its rights as a living organism to undergo this simple natural act (but if only they'd do it with more tact...)

Joakim kena

It's finally over for Joakim.

Maybe I need to clarify something. I really don't have anything personal against him apart from the fact that I disagree he should make it so far given his kind of voice. I am not against him per se, I'm against his fans who so ardently support him and deny more deserving people the chance to the final prize.

So today, I had no sympathy for those teary-eyed teenager girls who wasted their time rooting for someone for the wrong reasons: to satisfy the desires of their hormone-enraged minds. And it gave me pleasure to see the cameras roll across the audience revealing all these hapless creatures, for I knew that a majority of them would be really disappointed. Come on...there are better things in this world to cry about than some undeserving finalist who you want so badly to put through more shame.

However, I was sympathetic towards Joakim, because I realised that he emanated a lot of courage throughout this whole ordeal. After all, he was under a lot of flak, shown overtly on his blog and in forums, as well as insinuated through the show itself. Apart from that, I was reminded today of how the show actually reunited his separated parents once again, just to 'see their son shine'. For that, I agree that today he really did make a dignified exit, instead of buckling under pressure and giving up halfway or whatever. He just went through it all. It's something not even I could do.

Yep, Joakim is indeed a good example and a treasure trove of exemplary qualities. Ken even gave him credit for his attitude and his verve in wanting to do better and pursue the things he loved. He's mild and charming, so it's no wonder the girls would fall for him. Yes, but I still admit that his singing is irritating. Ok back to the point, even with the recent pressures forcing him to show these qualities, I'm disappointed once again with the attitude of viewers who got taken up by them and vowed to vote harder in sympathy or in admiration. It's a singing competition.

I'm sure this would've been one of his most memorable nights today.

On to other things, Teacher's day was quite fun, especially the skit! LOL, I cannot and will not forget how the NJ lion popped out of the back curtain and bounded to the centre stage. It was such a cute sight!!!! We took a lot of pictures with the class and teachers too. I took advantage of the situation and took some really nice photos which I'd treasure forever muahahahaah. Well...sadly I didn't go back to Anderson as planned, but no one else was going and all my teachers have gone nearly...so...forget it. I didn't even get to meet my old friends though I promsed too. But I think that the sleep I had in my afternoon was rather beneficial after a 4 hour sleep once again.

GP sucked. Why do they use passages from intellectuals whose intelligence cannot possibly be fathomed by puny minds such as mine. Should I waste ATP crossing my fingers for GP?

GeePee

Yes. It's GP tomorrow.

To all my fellow comrades-in-arms, all the best!

Anyway, I dislike GP in that it's too rigid. No freedom to write in your own special way. Also, you're expected to adhere to a narrow scope of interpretation of the question. I say this after getting my mere pass, cause I 'misinterpreted' the question. Bah.

Advice. Take every single word, and I mean EVERY SINGLE WORD in the essay question seriously! Down to the articles and prepositions. Or folly be you.

Sigh. I'm bound to think that the college has a disposition to give better acclaim to an elite group of people in this school. And I think it tends to be very discriminatory. Sigh.

As for me, I like the 'darkness'. As long as I'm able to survive, may no one know I exist.

Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep now. I shall desist lament my efficacy in not misinterpreting my essay questions, compre passages, peers, fellow human beings etc. It's apparent that I'm unable to function intellectually along the same lines as my fellow human counterparts. But I shall throw off all these chains that impede me and conquer tomorrow. No point thinking I can't do it when I probably can. There's nothing to lose when you try your best of bests...

Wonderful

Ah nice I just took a ten hour snooze and now I'm feeling much much better.

I'm aiming to mug at least 6 hours today, so that I can sleep promptly by ten o'clock. After all, you can't do an exam on four hours of sleep, can you?

Especially when you need to focus. Like in a GP exam.

Here I go. Not on my strength, but Yours.

Another blow

Let's not talk about it. All I can say is that I'll be serving the nation longer I guess, so it's not a bad thing. Sianz..

Had what I wld've considered the best bus rides but decided to make it nothing special by attempting to have some shut eye at my favourite place of the bus at the back. I'm quite surprised that I still act defensive, especially when some adultish guy came and took a seat beside....but I tried to have a good sleep at the back instead of yapping.

Oh but that's when the problem started. I started feeling nauseous. I don't usually have car-sickness, air-sickness, sea-sickness or stalinella-sickness, which is the most potent of all sicknesses. Although my belly has increased in size, I'm pretty sure it's due to diet and not pregnancy. So I ruled out that possibility quite quickly too. Then I went home and felt rotten. I couldn't tell what was wrong. So I slept.

Twice after I woke up, I had this urge to puke but it didn't work, it kinda like, surfaced and then didn't come out. I then realised I hadn't drunk any water the whole day and my body was screaming out for it. I took two swigs of a cup only to return promptly to the toilet to barf out five times what I drank. I wonder where I got all that water from...anyway, it wasn't exactly thrilling to see the partially digested remnants of your lunch. Flushhh...

Ah but it felt soooo good to have that junk cleared out of my system. And it feels so good to write about such gross things on this blog, it's so liberating.

Ack...all my other family members minus my dad and maid got this sickness. I thought I'd be spared too, but I wasn't. Anyway, thank goodness they all healed within a day, so I should be fine before GP. Why do I always get sick strategically before something important.

Hmmmm, I heard about this so-called in-circulation rumour which apparently had been upped one level. I dunno if it's true, but if it is, then DAMN FUNNY CAN!! Hmm, for one, to that girl, all I can say is IN YOUR FACE MUAHHAHAHAH. To the guy, all the best! But sadly, I wished this could've happened like, seven months ago thus sparring me the agony of it all.

I gotta get something shiny for my prelims. I fear for GP. I just got back my latest essay and I got a shocking 25/50, which is the lowest I've gotten. But I understand what went wrong. It was a four-word essay question: "Great art is timeless", do you agree?. And I supposedly misinterpreted the question. And I still disagree with what my teacher commented. If a question is less specific, obviously it demands a less specific approach or angle to answering it. We obviously had different perspectives when doing that question. So I'll never do an essay question if it has less than 6 words and isn't clear. I hope though that I will be able to write something that is close to my heart. Dang this borderline pass had to come back to me two days before the GP exam nutsnutsnuts.

ok gd nite

The miracle of sleep!

Yes!

I was hit by inspiration last night and was feverishly asking my friends a hundred questions. The idea wasn't amazing, and in fact seemed a bit irrational but it was just exciting because somehow, being in my heart for a few years already it felt like destiny! Nonsense...

Then I slept for 11 hours and was hit by a smattering of dreams. One in particular seemed to have some kinda message in it regarding my inspiration last night. I can remember the important part but not exactly the ending...because there were so many dreams and the moment I woke up my memory of the dreams started to diminish by the second. It took me too long to figure it out.

So could this be what is in store for me? I don't know. I only know one thing. I'm going to be in high spirits for a long long time now!

Just like Jingying said, sleeping is the best thing anyone could do. I'm not talking about the pigging out on sleep type. In terms of medicinal therapy, sleeping can do wonders. If you're feeling down and your resistance is low, don't light another cigarette and let yourself go like a Queen song says, just sleep. You probably need it.

Everytime I have adequate rest, the next day, I'm in a good mood. Having a dream in between is a bonus. It's just sad that my dreams just come in a rush as of late, as if I'm having multiple dreams. It gets harder to string them together.

Oh ya, I had two more hours of rest so I think I've made up for half my week's sleep requirements. I shall now get down to serious revision

The return of TTP!

I was walking down that stretch of pavement heading back home when I saw that man with his mop of greying hair. It was Mr Tan Teck Poh! JOY!

He was our Maths teacher in Sec 3 an 4, and we affectionately referred to him as TTP (actually we rudely refered to him by his initials cuz we hated him at first). Yes, we hated him so badly that after his lessons I'd display my wonderful proficiency in art by drawing really mean comics of him on the class whiteboard (I never could imagine I used to be so malicious).

He was jogging. He stopped immediately with me just to talk, and boy was his face really grinning wide. It had been a long time since we met, though I did see him once while he was jogging across the road.

He asked me how I was doing, where I was studying now (hey, his JC was the school across our road ok. But I think that he was studying there so long ago that NJC hadn't moved there yet perhaps?). He 'inferred' I was doing well and I gave him the sheepish erm well er haha kinda thing. So nice it was to meet him. But it was sad that he had already retired because his health was deteriorating. Already during my time, he had some complication with his heart. So now he's concentrating on picking up his health. So we parted and I told him to take care and he wished me all the best for the A-levels.

So I reminisced over 4/4's love-hate relationship with him. How we used to hate his every lesson where he'd call us well trained monkeys who couldn't do maths. How he'd check we'd done our work every single day, and how he'd punish those who hadn't by asking them to stay back to do more work (fortunately I never had that chance to be inflicted...he gave me one chance when I failed to do my work...and I never wasted it haha!). As time progressed, our whole impression of him changed. Even when a student thought he sucked, he'd be aware of the student's improvements and comfort him, telling him that more hardwork would do the trick. Victor Tan said that he was like a 'father'.

Without him, my maths would have been sucky. The reason why my maths is sucky now is cuz he's no longer teaching me now haha. Well truthfully it's because I'm not putting in enough effort la.

I'm not the only student according my gratitude to him. His ex-students went so far as to thank him in the 'bouquet' section of the newspaper...aiya the one where people shout out their thank yous. Imagine the number of students who have benefitted from his help these so many many many years.

I really hope that he lives a long and healthy life, and maybe this teacher's day, I shall hunt down his house and do something special...

Lamentations

What? Only three days? I feel like it's been a whole week since I've done an entry!

Anyway this site seems to be a breeding ground of depressive aura.

I dunno; it seems like everything has been spiralling out of control ever since I got sick before Etude. After that, all the following topics that I missed in that week, I've been doing those topics lousily. Got back my maths results today, but although I did well enough to get an 'A', my 'percentile' is nothing worth noting. Most of my classmates got around 80%-90% while I got 76%. I know that these numbers may make you feel sick and even fed up that I'm complaining although I did 'supposedly well'. But no, it doesn't make a difference to me. What is really saddening is that I went into the exam room thinking I knew how to do hypothesis testing when in actual fact I didn't know which parameters to use. And it's not the first time my misconceptions are being unveiled; there was another hypothesis testing assignment given to us and I screwed that one up too. I busted my inorganic chem test by getting myself tangled in all the amazing inorganic things that could happen. All these misconceptions that I have and am coming to realise makes me feel scared: who knows how much more clutter I have in that brain that I need to clean out and tidy up? I'm not even sure if my studying is going to help me any better because I really suck at studying effectively. So I'm kinda helplessly resigning to fate day by day. I can't stand the humiliation I have to go through when classmates who normally do worse than me in certain subjects get their chance to gloat over their doing better than me. I never do that when they get lower.

This sounds so disgustingly competitive and I know it's against my suppose 'nature' to be so. Sigh. But when people pressure me into competition, I normally take up arms and go head long into it. In JC, I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. Everyone is really a league above me. Why have I become a creature of such low self-esteem. And why does it seem that whenever I'm doing exam, I have evolved to have this capacity to panic when I can't seem to proceed or get stuck? Never in my life until I came into JC have I ever experienced exam stress before. Never. I've always been calm.

Wow. It seems that in these last two years I've really become a wreck. Singaporean scholars have low EQ according to an EDB scholarship officer somebody? I've become such a victim.

And my classmates are going way too far now. They can ridicule me all they want, thinking its a joke. But a man has his pride. I won't allow them to reduce me to a pile of dung anymore. The problem is that even when I'm angry with them, as is with the band, people are either too numbskulled, thick-skulled, stupid, insensitive, or just self-obsessed in their state of jollity that they don't notice I'm getting angry. And I fizzle down quite fast, so they have a shorter time to actually realise it. In my wicked and depraved mind I sometimes feel like 1) I should lengthen my sulking time and really isolate myself to show them I'm pissed. 2) Show rage. I've been accumulating too much over the years and I might be liable to do 2). Somehow, I've always had this premonition that releasing that anger will make me feel more good than not. Then again, when I imagine that I successfully inflict my friend, I can imagine the sense of horror that will follow; the abhorring feeling of humiliating a friend to such a reduced state. Talk about dynamic equilibriums and balances in my mind. Moral weighing scales make you go mad.

Yes, I've got serious issues with anger too. I don't know when it's healthy or not to use it. I think I should use it more often especially since people take it for granted that I don't mind being made a fool of...

As for the impending prelims, well, I've actually evolved! I can survive on a mean of four hours of sleep! So I guess I can extend my study times. What I do studying, I don't know. I do know that studying when my mind isn't functioning at its optimum (minimum eight hours sleep, 45 min study blocks, min 15 breaks, as long as there's daylight) is counter-productive. My most recent results is proof that studying late doesn't bring too much good.

Sigh. I think I'm gonna enjoy GP. It can be quite therapeutic when your mind is feeling stressed but is alert...

Rock

Every time band ends, I revert back to my punk self.

This pic was taken in 2004. We were practicing for our teacher's day concert in some studio in Serangoon somewhere. The band members include me on the bass, Rhesa in green on acoustic rhthym, Danial in red on lead electric, Hongkai, the last Spiderman slinger as our vocalist. Joshua, standing, on electric rhthym, and Jing Yuan the drummer. Man. I look the most docile of them all.

It kinda reminds me of the temperament of Queen's John Deacon. The bassist of the group, he's rather reserved and introverted. He's made very few songs that he claims credit for, although they are all very good and probably Queen's finest. Of all the four members, I think he's the holiest too. He and Brian May fall into the same league of abstaining from drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever. I hope. He's also a Physics graduate and has seven children if I'm not wrong!!!

Anyway, the name of our band was Scary Turtle Time Crisis (note: pronounced as Scar-ree Tarrr-tle Time Cree-sees). The pronounciation is a bit distorted because the name was inspired by Rhesa, the Indonesian with quirky pronounciation. Hahha, in a racist class it's very hard to not suffer from discrimination if your English isn't tip-top. The band was the brainchild of Danial who thought of making our last year in Anderson something memorable by putting up a class performance on Teacher's day.

So at around this time two years ago, even with the onslaught of the 'O' levels, we were concentrating on having some good fun making some noise together. We played Mr Big's 'If that's what it Takes'. The band was quite a conky configuration, but we thought we'd include everyone who could play just for fun. And we got about half the rest of the class to form the class choir too. So it was really fun.

Jamming was fun too.

Man, I really miss playing the bass guitar. I think it's been a good 4 months since I last played.

“The people who say we are the best singers are feeling, but not voting,”
Mathilda asserts. “There are a lot of couch critics who go, ‘Hey, why like
that?!' But it's like, ‘Dude, unless you put the sixty cents down and vote… This
is not the first time we have been in that position. Everybody needs to wake up
and think if this is what they want.”
-Mathilda D'Silva, www.singaporeidol.com

True, this impales my heart with a deep sense of guilt. I promptly excuse that guilt by reminding myself that those who suffer in the end will be those stupid females and fans who incessantly sms up to hundred times every episode just to keep undeserving singers in the competition. Especially when they receive their phone bills and have to reel back to the behind McDonald's counter to make up for their heavy debts.

How can there be such a low representation of voters for the best singers? Surely it can't be the combined effects of popularity and impulsive/irrational voters with no taste for music that is killing off this rare breed of singers in Singapore?

Talkin' about Singapore. It'll never be Singer-pore at this rate.

Wake up call? We can't help but think of the promotional telly trailer that has
been running circles around our heads for the past week with, “This IS a singing
competition” —a self-ironic poke that wonders aloud if the competition was
really a popularity contest instead. (The trailer is also widely seen as an
obvious reference to a particular contestant remaining in the Top 6. Bless his
heart.)

We all know who he is. Indeed, bless his heart.

TiMe Is RuNnInG out but i dun seem to be quite much affected

Hello. Prelims schedule out. How dead am I? Quite dead am I!

I quite much regret falling into these pits of depression and not being thankful for what I do have in life. In the end, what I do achieve now will not count in the future (and I mean the real future, not the career-and-material aspect of the future. I think that there are many things about my character that are exemplary that people have said they've looked up to. Naturally, one would be more perturbed by their demons, but at this delicate age, remembering your strengths can be a tad helpful!

I felt like moping in the bus again and tell myself how bad life is and all that when I realised that the 4th point of the Pike Market is to choose your attitude.

I've been blessed beyond measure. I forgot that.

Therefore, I shall now pick up the pieces and have faith. It's time to have more of that powerful quality.

Scary

Sigh...is this part of growing up, or is it just an awakening of my awareness of the future?

I've been promoted to yet another level of adolescence where I become even more aware of myself. Unfortunately this time it's more of a curse because when I understand my weaknesses and idiosyncrasies, it lowers my self-esteem dramatically. I'm currently in a very devastated mood. Why do I act the way I do, extremely paranoid, driven by jealousy, completely unmotivated, seemingly incapable of doing what I want to. Worse still, is this really me, or is it just an instance of misbalance of my scales (so that stupid book says of Librans; I do not subscribe to horoscopes anyway. I have a lot to say about that book. Though accurate it leads to conformation)

It seems that those who were 'born' great just have things come to them. Who says that life is fair: that those who work hard will get rewarded?

When in a state of low self-esteem one is prone to perpetual doom. One must avoid that slippery slope. It takes great courage and resilience to get up from my point and push on. I suppose I've done it in the past; it's just that as of the last few years things have been coming relatively easily for me at an early stage, therefore my confidence at its pinnacle brought me to where I am. It's always all in the mind. Those who have strong minds can do well in the downward spiralling game of life. I don't have that strong mind. I need people to support me. I don't have them in NJC.

This is where friends are crucial. They believe in you and you begin to believe in yourself. I do not like evaluating myself because to some degree, you are what others perceive you to be. However my idiosyncrasies dictate for me to be paranoid, as in I cannot quite trust your perception of me. It's not wrong, because your evaluation can't be flawless. Yup. I can't trust people until I know them well enough.

At times I'm the peacemaker and at other times seeing chaos gives me a high. Ok la, I'm not that sadistic. Such actions are done out of malice la...

(I commented on a lot of other things just now, but then I stopped short and thought to myself it can't be true. I seem to vaccillate between personalities all the time, so sometimes I'm this, sometimes I'm that).

Man, full force of teenagehood hitting me when I'm reaching the end of it in two years...so late.

It's Official: Singapore Idol is a farce

Today I watched the NJ Piano ensemble club concert today, and it was marvellous! A lot of songs by French composers featured. I've always respected French composers; they revolutionised the world of piano literature, especially since many of them preferred the impressionistic style. So their songs are characterised by interesting and surprising chord progressions, tonalities and their wide range of expression that is sure to move.

And the players are top-notch, but I think it's because most of them are from the new MEP in our school.

It was in LT1 with about 50 over students, not even able to cover half of the LT, but the concert was really delightful in its presentation and the performers. Mr Seow the new MEP teacher is really really good. I love the way he performs. And its surprising that Mrs Aileen Koh, the merry looking chubby GP teacher is not only a graduate in English Lit but did a double with music too, so she performed a duet with Mr Seow on jeux d'enfants and it was really nice. But the song that really stole the show was jeux d'eau.

Now for serious stuff...

I dislike you very much.

You are responsible for the rowdy atmosphere every week.

You are responsible for the unecessary noise pinned with the video clips and footages on the show. You make it difficult for us to enjoy them.

You make the whole show look absolutely unprofessional with the way you behave, the noise you make, and the complete lack of sense of occasion. Yes, if we took you away the show would be much more rivetting. Not only do you compound to the problem of lousy sound set-up on the set, you make us viewers at home roll our eyes in disgust.

You dishonour the opinion of the judges. You drown out their criticism just because it's not nice but true. You have absolutely no sense of music yourself and that's why making noise appeals to you more. To you, the show is not about listening to music but making noise. And destroying music in the process. For while the idols sing, you don't listen. You're more interested in shouting, whistling and waving your hands like idiots. You're not interested in their singing. You're just going there to support some idol you like (visually) on stage, and not listen and judge for yourself whether the idol is worthy of being there. This is proven by the fact that already most of the best singers, but not the best looking or most crowd appealing singers have been kicked out.

You are proof that the music industry in Singapore will be stagnant at the lowest level; the unimpressive Chinese singers who CANNOT SING, croon songs that sound the same as a million other songs that have been in existence since the classical period, and basically have no stage presence, but doll themselves up (look like sissy females) just so they can appeal to female singers.

Now I issue this stern warning to all you loathsome females out there. You spoil this competition by keeping your eye candy on the show. They cannot sing get it? I don't wish to say who exactly. The idols themselves know they don't deserve to be on the show; you can see it on their faces when they realise they're still safe. THIS IS A SINGING COMPETITION, not some stupid popularity contest like Ken said.

I really dislike you, oh audience of Singapore Idol. I really dislike you...

Maybe this happened cuz ppl like me didn't vote.

Civil War

I decided to give the song by Guns 'n Roses a chance today and I realised that it wasn't bad at all. In fact, November Rain (the only other song I have from them) is also not bad, although I usually just skip to the back part where they have that e. guitar ostinato. The rest of the song is shabby. Yet, I profess my dislike for lead singer Axl Rose's singing because his diction is bad, and his voice sounds disgusting on falsetto. Kind of like a constipated swine. Sounds better mellower.

The band apparently was really rocky. I saw Wikipedia on it and saw at least 10 over members throughout the last 20 years. Therefore, since their music isn't fantastically amazing, and their band is plagued by tension, Queen still rocks! For they remained their 4 man band from the late 60s all the way till Mercury's death! And their music is superb superb superb!

You know what's the worse thing? How GnRs screws up all of Queen's songs! I watched Axl Rose's take on We will Rock you and it sarrrkkskss! Now, I find that one of my more favourite Queen songs, Sail Away Sweet Sister, was also redone by them. I wanna hear it and see how lousy it is. I've no faith that anyone else can redo a Queen and make it sound good.

Anyway, back to school. I'm feeling quite good now cuz I did some work and the fruits of my labour is more confidence in myself especially in statistics now. I don't know why, I just can't do that cursed topic.

I realise at this point in time I'm in this sticky situation, a quagmire if you may. For I'm so caught up in this battle to beat these mind games that I can't seem to move on. I had a good friend like that in Sec 4, now it seems like I'm infected now and I understand her problem even more now. Anyway, if she does come across this here's hoping and knowing that you're doing your best and coping with life well (you persistent pessimist you).

I'm capable of doing well. The only problem now is myself. A clash of bipolar personalities is raging within me now, and 'Mr Hyde' appears to be winning. As of late, I've been doing some reflection and I've found out many horrible things, especially of myself.

Firstly, I've unexpectedly become the very thing that I've been hoping not to be; a bland, and absolutely inutile member of society. Yes. It's disgusting. I have been so uninvolved in college, and while everyone has been going out to join this competition or olympiad, or seminar or what have you, I've been sitting in the backrow watching everyone do just that. While everyone has been feverishly finding ways to polish their prestige, I've been extremely laidback in doing so. I criticise the system for its massive emphasis on exams and results, when there have been opportunities that came my way that I should've probably taken up. I can blame it on my will to be in my own world and be in charge of my own development (one strange complex I possess is this unwillingness to shine, and most of these things make you do just that). So point is, I've obviously been lying to myself and now I'm deeply regretting it. I feel foolish in fact.

On the other hand, when people go all out to make themselves look shiny with 200 over hours of CIP, attending this and that seminar, representing the school in this and that, I wonder if they really will get out of it a stolid sense of achievement. I know some people who do all these things and then do badly in their studies after that. Then what's the use. On the other hand, there are people who can cope fabulously. That's great. They push the bar up and make people like me look like losers, which isn't a lie. But, I think to myself time and time again, after being so swamped with all these things, does one actually gain anything from it? As in seriously, we all know that a lot of activity is not good because it takes away your time to think about it, reflect and be edified. Of course some people do that, but then perhaps they don't have the cynic's touch like I do. Look at what's going on in the world around you, and ask yourself, even after completing that scintillating education pathway and getting that job and looking good, where's my future? After getting it all, you might just have your country bombed. I'm sorry I feel so bleak and in fact it's a direct sin to do so. But seriously, have you pondered and taken a look at life around you?

Hmmm, regarding overseas CIP. My friend commented that there are so many things in Singapore that need to be resolved; what's the need of going overseas to help others? I believe that the advanced status of this country puts us in a position of obligation to help the more needy, but what he said isn't false. Then, I'm just wondering to myself, when we go on CIP trips, what is our real purpose? It would most probably be to serve the community over there especially so in terms of their own community development, and so helping to build schools (or the principal's house) isn't wrong. But idealistically, we should have more noble intentions and touch the people there even more. From all the reports that the college teams have made it appears that the natives there are the ones doing more of the 'touching of lives'. Especially when they cheer like mad at our teams' arrivals, and give them such lavish banquets. I swear, if we gave the natives the materials and resources they could have spent all that energy doing their own work. However, teaching the kids there is a really cool thing. It feels a bit absurd though because teachers should have a more personal touch. I'd trust a teacher who was relegated to be our teacher, and not some visiting person from abroad. Ok, nevermind that. Fact of the matter is that there are so many people in Singapore who need that caring as well.

The situation in Middle East is as usual exasperating. Ceasefire in action. Iran and Syria take this as a humiliating defeat for Israel and a victory for themselves, and then they extol Hisbollah for her efforts. Bloody efforts of course. I cannot believe how conniving they can get. Naturally their's is the victory after playing dirty and garnishing the world's pity once again by instigating all the violence.

Sigh all this makes me feel a sense of regret and loss. I'm already affected by what's occuring in school and at home, but to compound to that I cannot divorce what's happening in the world from my personal life. That's why I've been toying with the idea of journalism for a while, because I do like writing (although mine is nothing commendable), and in this field I'm able to participate directly in what is close to me. I don't have to fight the forces that are pulling me back in my present life, no, I can make it part of mine and then dwell in it and thrive. Sounds disgusting, like a population of bacteria.

Ok I guess my lamentations can end here. I think doing this every night is rather therapeutic I sleep quite well after that. Good night

I lied

Ok so I'm back here again but who cares.

Let's put things into perspective.

It's midnight. I managed to practice sufficiently (as supposed by me) for the stats test tomorrow. Knowing that stats just fries me, I should've put in more effort. I spent the last hour toiling over Haroun again but it's just sooooo fulfilling. I haven't touched the chem tutorials that Mr Low asked us to do, but he never checks. I'm always hanging on this thin thread of over-confidence especially in my sciences, thinking that I don't need to worry, when time and time again I've learnt in JC that that notion is a fantasy that may have worked in sec school, but not anymore.

I need to put in more steam! There's less than a month! I wish the timetable could come out soon so as to give me a jolt.

Can someone please drive some sense into me. I've been feeling really bad lately that's why I take refuge here.

But Haroun makes me good. The power of the perfect fifth.

Gone missing

Yeah. It's amazing that after blogging consecutively nearly everyday, giving the people the impression that I've not been studying, I suddenly disappeared for two days.

Not that I've been mugging my guts out. In fact, I feel even less accomplished.

I need to draw up a mugging battle plan so as to start mugging wisely. Jingying is very inspiring! haha.

On the other hand, I feel the need to do something enriching too. Haroun is back by the way, and the next instalment should be complete, quiiiite soon. If I don't give up halfway. It's taking on quite good shape but I'm having a mental block just now.

Had pizza hut again today in early celebration of parent's anniversary. Their anniversary is a really cool date: the same as my maternal grandparents, same as my pastor's, same as India's independence day.

So I won't be seeing you guys on 15th! I'll be celebrating National day in India!

Nah jk only.

Sigh. I wanted to do so much blogging but I don't know what to say.

These last few days have made me realise that shutting up is the first step to mugging. Yup. Gonna have a close mind for the next three months!

So see ya guys! Won't be blogging as often I guess!

Wipe out that cynical look on your face!

SYF 2005

I'll shoot off a quick one before the song gets over!

I was listening to a couple of school's SYF pieces. When I had finished listening to NJCSB's SYF piece, I thought to myself that we truly deserved the GWH award. All the practice that we went through...even if we hadn't gotten it I would have still felt a great sense of reward till now. I still remember practicing the stupid section T of Amazonia like mad. It was our favourite section maaaaaaan. We all get so high when playing it...lol. I think that day, the flute section sounded the best also, near to perfect.

I'm sure we can do as well next year! All we need is a lot and a lot of practice and never get complacent!

Ok, back to muggin!

NDP 2006

NDP was nice! Sure it was like all the previous ones, but for that short moment I was filled with unprecedented outburst of patriotism!

Btw, I was typing a post and then the com went karplunk so I'm not going to bother rewriting it all over again. I was just wondering why Singaporeans are so cold to their country with so many not even watching the NDP when I was surprised cuz they always make it out to be like the whole of Singapore is rooted at their TV watching it precisely at 6pm and I've been watching it religiously for the last 14 years gaaaasssssssp so why should a non-native like me be more interested than one who's not, and older Singaporeans who've lived longer would be more appreciative of how Singapore has ballooned in prestige these last so many years yet they pretend that it's just nothing much....

Anyway, I still think that Singaporeans are immature when it comes to politics. Just take a look at a youngpap.org forums and you'll know. Firstly they don't realise the importance of good coherent language to present their argument. Secondly, their views are all so biased and extreme it's disgusting. It's as if they're making noise there, where they have such extreme ideas and can't express it. Like clanging cymbals.

Singaporeans take and take and take but hardly give back. To them life's about work and expecting the government to give them some incentive to go on. Patriotism is based on the 'strings attached'. Blame 'garmen' for everything.

I don't claim to be the best at politics or anything, it's just that the political environment here is really disgusting. Many people complain that PAP's forebearing presence disallows any opposition. The plain truth is that tere just isn't anyone to qualify!

Ah...better not say anymore. I'm not die-hard pro-PAP or whatever.

k I sleep. gd nite

National Day Celebrations@ NJC

I must confess, surprisingly I never stepped into school skeptical that today would be a sian day and my confidence was rewarded. Today was a really enjoyable day!

And the band did well so cheers! Though the Mrs Cheng's arrival in the car didn't have quite the impact I expected...I thought there'd be more drama.

The battle of the bands, was, eugh. Firstly, I do not quite like the kinda songs they play (pardon my ignorance but is that what they call punk rock? The Yellow card kinda stuff). It hurts my ears and I think it's distasteful. The first group was tolerable, the second was a bit too much on the drama side. They kept on thrusting their bodies everywhere with no purpose or direction and on top of it, they couldn't sing. Theirs was soooo gimmicky, with one lead singer running up to the judges to do high five them, and then the other one wandered around. Jokers la. They did so much rubbish that they got so tired they couldn't sing. The third group...erm. I tried to close my eyes and listen, and I must say that the singer was the best of them all. The band's coordination wasn't really good, but tonnes better than the previous too (they were all so caught up making noise they weren't listening to themselves). So it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that they won first prize...they had the perfect package nearly :D.

Then my class went to Pizza Hut at Bukit Timah plaza. Musicom was planning to go there two weeks ago, but in the end we decided to eat at KFC because of the really long queue. Now, we were at the same place I was two weeks ago, except this time, we were at the front of the queue, for we arrived even before it opened. We were a group of 15, and their measly manpower probably prompted them to serve smaller groups instead, so even after ordering, we never even got our drinks until one and a half hours after that. The 4 pizzas came in half an hour shifts until they decided to step it up towards the third pizza. In all, it was disappointing that it took so long. But, the problem was that the pizzas were so super duper good that it wasn't worth complaining in the end.

I was so inspired by Gandhi, that I told my classmates while waiting for the food to come, that in retaliation we could stage a hunger strike until we got our food. :D

We played stupid games like Chinese whispers, where you whisper your message down the line and see how contorted the message comes out at the end. Also, we played the one liner game, where each person sees what the previous person wrote before him and writes another line. I don't wish to post it up here cuz it kinda got sick and I'm ashamed of what I wrote. lol. But in the end, we all had immense fun, going out as a class for probably what's the second or third time. And amazingly, all the boys came, for the first time!!! WAHAHA

Oh ya, the girls were so stupid, we tricked them into thinking that Firdaus, our J3 classmate who owns a motorbike, was driving down the road. Not once, but 6 times! Wahahah!

Ok. I better sleep soon. Today is day of relaxation, and then I'm going to butcher tomorrow morning and afternoon with studies so that I can enjoy my NDP tmrw!

Yup, it's gonna be the day of unprecedented outburst of patriotism! It's really amazing what some noise, music, colours and fireworks can do. Haha!

Ok, so if I hadn't made it clear, I really really enjoyed National day. The councillor girl who did our class survey last week (who incidentally was the host of the concert, too), really meant it when she said the concert would be fun. Yay good job councillors!

Everyone appears to be mugging late into the night. I don't wish to do the same because I hated that one week before the CTs when I studied until 2am everyday (clocking ten hours a day) although I seemed to be having fun. Towards the last two days I was dying already. Do I have to do it again? Hope not. I guess now smart studying is key...

Orchestra Wii!!!

Erm..well apparently once again I'm the only J2 who's updating religiously everyday, which isn't going because it means I'm wasting time.

Anyway, been indulging in what I wanted (some oboe music) since Edo put some stuff on his blog.

But what really took the cake is what I found!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUZoFiaHTQU&mode=related&search=

The new Nintendo Wii is the newest console that is set to revolutionise the world of gaming with it's new controller which is like a remote control! It's unique controller is being exploited for games such as Sonic Wildfire (which is really thrilling but a bit darker than the rest, not to mention, Arabic?)...but this Orchestra Wii is darn cute! All the conductor wannabes can try haha...

I also watched a video with some guy who was playing it lousily...so you can see how the game is really played, good or bad.

Ok, must complete that overdue GP essay! It's so tough! I think I'll flunk my GP prelims considering how hard the past year papers are...

Bolsters and Wasting time

Oh I forgot to mention the thing about bolsters last night after making such a nice alliteration as my title.

Nah, it's just a minor thing. It appears many people like their bolsters. The most shocking person being my Chem teacher, Mr Low. He was telling us about freaky things like he always does when he feels the class getting fidgety.

Apparently he thought he had been 'visited' because he wedged his bolster between himself and the wall, and both times that he got up, he found it on the floor instead. Why one should be shocked at this I don't know. He could have been moving a lot. But the amusing thing was how he sings his 'dundundundundundun' (theme of X-files) whenever he tells us ghost stories.

I think what used to happen to my brother and I when we were younger is even weirder. We used to sleep on two separate beds that were joined, so it becomes like a Queen sized bed. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning to find out that we had changed places at night, although I categorically don't recall moving at all, unless we were both sleeptalking, reached a mutual agreement to change place, and then sleepwalked across to each other's beds. Other times, I'd find my brother's feet on his pillow and his head at the bottom part of the bed. So weird. Dundundundundundun.

Bah sheesh I waste so much time sleeping and slacking. I actually watched E.T. just now and feel slightly regretful. It's quite a lame movie, not that great. Quite heartwarming, but the story line gets to be quite jerky...

I wanna listen to more oboe musicccc...love the instrument. It's probably the hardest woodwind instrument, not so versatile, but has a haunting tone. Someone kindly gimme something :D

Bernstein and Bolsters

Haha, at this hour of the night I'm watching on Youtube the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Bernstein, who is described as the world's best conductor according to Edo. On the superficial side it is amazing how long his baton is. Choir and orchestra conductors disagree over the use of the baton. The former argue that the hands are able to extract more emotion from the choristes, whereas the latter insist that it is the sign of authority of the conductor whom everyone is obliged to come under.

(interjection: I have a feeling I'm having another little visitor in the dark. Crud.)

Judging from the size of that baton, he's obviously a very revered and renowned maestro.

(interjection: The plastic bag keeps on rustling when the light is off and the sound stops when I switch it on...what could it be).

Anyway...I am intrigued at how the orchestra functions once again. It's so different from band. I think a player is more free to express himself partially due to the fact that there aren't as many players as himself, unless you count the string sections. But even the string players require one another to produce the final string section sound, so they don't feel as if they're redundant, rather they feel even more involved. Having like, ten flutes in an orchestra is destructive. I would think so too if that were the case in a band...

Yep, that was Beethoven's 9th Symphony, better known as Ode to Joy to the layman. Thanks Edo!

Wow you can find a lot interesting songs on Youtube! Check this out!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=e6sYa5Gt7aE
Something to do with Scheherezade's third movement. Obviously retranscribed cuz it doesn't sound so romantic. And I doubt it was in any of the keys...but makes good for visual and aural appeal!

Hair cut

It happened today.

I calculate that if I were to abide by this new money-saving strategy, I would save $60 a year on haircuts! I normally visit the barber evry 3-4 weeks, but this time, it's taken me two months! Yippee!!!

Yesterday, my parents suddenly left with my youngest sister to Bangalore to visit my grandpa. It's unbelievably quiet once again. I'm sure that my parents would be having many memories of how it used to be like when it was just them and me about 17 years ago. So sweet. My grandpa's doing much better, in fact he's begun talking coherently once again. My dad told me that when they met him he said "We must get that boy married...". Apparently, he meant me. I told my parents to pass to him the message that I've still got a few years more before that can happen. Haha.

Somehow, I'm feeling more glad for him than worried.

I'm more worried for me now because it appears that I'm sharing a table with a lizard. I should have sent that cup down for a wash immediately instead of keeping it here with me! Still it'll not freak me out so much as seeing the cockroach scraping the gold chocolate foil...

Sigh. It's really true what Shermin said about me and my connection with my section. I really miss having us guys around playing. Even though I've never really enjoyed playing with the populous section, the company we shared was tons more desirable! I loved NIE practices this time not because of the bus rides and a mystery person who isn't a mystery at all, but because we met up nearly everyday to have breakfast together! I'll really miss everyone.

I hope that I don't have to end my flute playing here. My mom said papu (my maternal grandfather who was the big guy in the Indian army) wouldn't tolerate me joining the band, but I have this feeling he'd be more than glad to have me there. I mean, although he and his son were both officers in the army, it's not imperative that I follow suit. Perhaps I have a better place in it. One thing's for sure: no matter where I'm placed, even if it's in the clerical field, I will do my best.

And I should be doing my best in studying now. The quietness has made me too slack. I should be doing the 10 hour mugging stints I used to do prior to the CTs. My results are disgraceful, although of five subjects I'm above average for three. What's worse, I can't even make a word out of my results. BBEDD? Lol.

I really feel like I'm doomed man. During 'O' levels I never had this amount of jitteriness.

Wow. One should read through their old entries once in a while and be amazed at what they'd thought about and explored! I didn't go to sleep for quite a while last night because I was doing that.

And I realised that after so many things have happened on this blog, there's really no use saying what you really feel, even if it's about personal matters. Cuz when I write out something about myself that may not necesarily be self-glorifying, I can't help but feel that someone who reads it is smirking and thinking that I'm a stuck up (fill in the blank). People so freely use their place to insenstively strike at certain people and when they receive flak, they say they're entitled to their own thoughts. I rarely defame anyone, I mean I'm talking about myself (yes, it may sound very narcisistic) but I still, I can't help but feel someone thinks negatively about what I say.

So blogging really seems to be losing its charm for me. Then why am I doing it everyday? er....dunno le...

I wonder what journalism is like...

Inspiration

The period I was most inspired and made the two songs I'm most proud of was in 2004, Sec 4. In that year, I experienced 'love' and 'hurt' twice. More importantly, I was never under any strain so somehow I was never restricted in any way; ideas came to me more spontaneously and convictingly. I made mistakes in my songs that turned out to become (what I consider, not necesarily you) unbelievable products of genius. When I look back and try to reproduce what I did, I can't understand how it came to me. I don't even think I tried experimenting much, it just came randomly. Dunno la. But I really liked 2003/-04, my most favourite time of my life.

In these last two years, I've made about two new songs, a lot of incomplete ones which started quite ok but I just gave up, while there are still so many other songs I intended to continue working on but abandoned. I'm not pleased with the ones I've made. They may actually be longer (I managed to break my three minute barrier) but they don't seem to be as heartfelt as the previous few I've made. They don't seem as special.

In order to attempt composing, one must have a clear mind. I realise that having stupid mushy feelings catalyse the process...of course it never worked this year because I never went far enough to amplify these feelings (and by the last song I was nearly over a frustrating one and a half years of fruitlessness).

Now if I'm not wrong, I remember super vaguely Mr Yea my sec school composer talking about a the wise Mr Ho telling him something about composers. I'm not sure if he was talking about Mr Ho, or someone else, ut most likely so because he was undergoing his Band Director's course at that time, and he used to like talking about Mr Ho. Anyway, regardless of whoever it was, he said that composers are rarely driven by inspiration. I infer he meant that composing is merely a mathematical process where you conjure up a theme and then turn it into different motifs or whatever (pardon me I barely even know the technical terms). Other than viewing it as a means of mass producing songs, I feel it makes music cheaper by simply taking out an element of magic which is what I find special in the songs that I painstakingly did through trial and error. There are 'techniques' in creating such works...it's like the final work was already pre-ordained instead of being derived from a more emotional source...aiyah dunno what I'm saying alrdy...

But it's been fun. As you can see I just tried doing something new and gave up again. I'm waiting for the time I can make something nice again...probably after the 'A's.

I don't boast my songs are the greatest. In all humility my utter lack of theoretical knowledge make them look like toilet paper in print, and the MIDI isn't anything to be proud of. I'm also very sure they have the potential to bore you to death too...but it's nice to be in my own world where I be my own critique, safe from the criticism of outside people who would hurt my feelings and make me feel good for nothing boohoohoo

funny things

My grandpa woke up today and told the nurse that he was going 'home' in 7-10 days. And by saying home, he didn't mean he was going back to his place of residence. Therefore, he asked the nurse very politely if he could see his children before leaving.

That's why my parents are leaving for Bangalore at 3 am tonight. That leaves me in charge of the house. There'll be my brother and the older sister and the maid (so I don't have to worry about making dinner or whatever haha).

Intended to do studying never got to it. Initially I wanted to experiment mugging in the library until late at night, but I decided it would be better to go home. Well, in the end I slept and now I'm blogging, so talk about productivity. Anyway, I'm now intending to do my GP essay later just for fun cuz I've been doing so many compres lately that an essay would be nice. Anyway, essays have always been my weak point, so it's time I start working on it...

Now that prelims are approaching at a dangerous rate, I doubt I can deliver. This has got to be the scariest part of my life. Yet here I am being nonchalant about it. Ok, I must study really hard now. I got lots and lots of work to do over the weekend yet I don't know what it is...must take out a paper and put the head "To Do List"

That'll help me a lot!

AND! Listening to Scheherezade and amazonia at twice the speed is quite amusing!!!

Ciao

The world

Yes I heard of his miracle and his recovery that I fervently believed in.

I think about him now, and he's probably feeling the tug of emotions, the type you get when you know that you're reaching the end of your life too.

Blair being interviewed today. Many people unhappy with the fact that the powers have not been able to restore any peace in the middle east. Why is it their fault? Can't people understand that your beneficiaries must be co-operative? I mean, you can take a bunch of kids and ask them to stop fighting, mediate, provide all the resources or incentives like treating them to lunch or ice cream but if they don't have any intentions of stopping their fight, it's useless isn't it? Why are people being overly critical of world leaders? If the current situation is not pleasing to these reporters now, then I suppose they're insinuating that the Middle East just shouldn't have been touched at all. By now there'd be missiles flying all over the place then. Which is the lesser of the two evils? I cannot stand this sort of ignorance the world has. Society has slouched back into this state where they 'trust' the leaders to be gods who are able to solve all their problems. Of course, one elects a leader whom they think is the most capable, but it's fallacious to consider him omnipotent! I cannot stand this laaaaaa...

This is utterly disgusting don't want to talk about this.

Death is closer to me by a footstep..

It doesn't help that you have GP homework on Euthanasia when you receive news that your grandpa is dying...

Death has been the hurt that until now I had never had the experience of knowing. Now that my grandpa's in trouble, it's never felt this real. To me, the first thing that hit me was how unceremonious death is: no AGM, no V nite to celebrate your departure or honour you. Yet, it evokes the most extreme sentiments from those that are closest to that person. It can feel pathetic on one hand, yet pitiful on the other.

We were all watching Singapore Idol and were in a merry mood when aunty Zeldine calls up and the volume becomes remarkably softer. Trying to strain my ears listening to that lousy Joakim sing, I suddenly hear what my father was saying on the phone...

"Hello, dad?". He repeated this a few times as if the man on the other side of the line was not responding. He was in a coma. Next thing I know, my father is overwhelmed by emotion and tells his father remarkable things. The only other time I've seen him weep at a phone was when his best friend Noel died when I was in Pri 3 I think. This time, the person at stake was someone even closer than a close friend; it was a father. I knew later on what exactly was happening at that point in time. Grandpa was yet in a coma, and though he could not hear with his physical ears my father decided instead that he would talk to his spirit. The words that came out of his mouth made my heart wrench. He talked his father as a son should and said that he was so proud of him. It seemed ironic that a son say that to a father but yet it made perfect sense to the heart.

Talking to my parents later I believe that after so many hours, to just my father's voice his eyes both open and he grabs the phone and attempts to gurgle the words "I'm well". His throat seemed to be constricted for an unknown reason, and doctor's suspected that his fever was due to meningitis. Many crucial decisions had to be made and a close doctor friend advised them not to do a test for it as it wouldn't make a difference. For now, my grandpa seemed to have finally found revival in the voice of the son he looked up to the most.

Each one of us took the phone and said, perhaps, our last words over the phone. We had to do it slowly and methodically, telling him who we were and telling him who we were passing the phone to. We spoke loudly and slowly. Emotions were running high at home as well. Yet even as we spoke to him he kept on giving us a sign that he was listening, and at the end of it all in all his feebleness said "Bless you and your family". We knew that our words stirred up incomparable peace within him, and we had firm hope that things could turn out alright.

I'm not very close to my grandpa as distance separates us a lot. Still, his blood flows in me. As a young child, I hardly have too many memories of him, but he was the eldest of all my grandparents firstly, and was probably the fittest until lately. His life story in itself is quite amazing. What now I was more in tune to was how my father felt, as well as my other aunt in New Zealand. I'd be dismayed if I could not be there to see my father off, if I never had the chance to see the man who saw my arrival into the world depart from it.

Death. We all are numbed into accepting it as the one and only thing that makes all human being reach a standard of conformation, yet it does not conform to the concept of life. I'll have to go through this ordeal three more times, before it's my two dear parents' turn. And then one day, it'll be mine. I hope at that time, I would have accepted my mortality, but I don't ever want those who love me to be hurt.

But we needn't fear death at all!

My father is admirable after seeing this all.

Shame

What to say, I'm ashamed though I hold it back and joke about it.

Tough luck, you can't show your true feelings as a guy 'less you're a SNAG.

So there. I wasn't humiliated, someone else was.

That's the worst thing I could do in my life.

bleahbleahbleah rant and then if you actually read this you think to yourself "Huh?" or "..."

Anywayz, I've been feeling rather hyper lately although these strange new feelings started in June after the band camp. The piano can do amazing things when combined with a flute between two people. SEE MUSIC CAN DO AMAZING THNGS!!! MUAHAHAHAAHA spastics

Better not say more!

My Achilles tendon hurts a lot and I don't know why. I fear I might've either hit it against something, or done something wrong while running up the stairs.

Ok sian diao...i go slpz