Vermin...

Two vermins in my life...

1) Idiotic homework. How are you to accomplish much if you so easily get stuck at a problem and can't continue until you finish? Ok, there are two remedies to this. One, I mug with classmates so if I'm seriously stuck, I can easily refer to them. I'm uncomfortable with that as I insist on solving a problem myself and no other way. If not I cannot learn. Two, I just skip the darn thing and move on with life. I hate doing that. I feel so guilty, unaccomplished and low-down.

2) Middle East crisis. It makes me angry how they lie through their nose to look like victims. I cannot believe how conniving Hizbollah is, to launch rockets within their cities. Of course, if Israel were to retaliate, they'd most likely hit the city where the rocket lies! Obviously they're trying to make themselves look like victims to get the pity of the world, and have the world against Israel. I don't think this is the first time such a dastardly trick has been played. Anyway, this is just to fulfil doomsday prophecy, when the whole world will turn against Israel (even the US).

On the other hand, it was quite fun attempting a test I was 100% unprepared for today...it was tricky. Dunno la...let the marks come back see how la. I thought it was on wednesday so I thought I'd study for it tonight.

Really ah...JC die ah...should've gone to poly and done animation or something although I'd live a beggar for the rest of my life maybe it'd give me an excuse to live overseas....

V-nite and currently...

V-nite last night was really really fun! I never knew how much fun the seniors had last year making fools of us! Now it was our turn to have vengeance, the same vengeance that has been going down the line for dunno how many years... the vengeance that each year two batch passes down to the next and that one to the next ok enough I'm sounding sadistic.

Got photos but as usual the camera dies.

I especially liked the catwalk where the pairings were absolutely unexpected. Really really unexpected. I think my V-nite, one could predict who the boy would choose cuz the they'd probably be very close or from the same section or something. But there seemed to be less relevance this year round. So it was really interesting.

Geisha and Amazonian were the best I think. The bay watch babe's trousers were falling and everyone knew he was wearing blue. The belly dancer was moving his butt more than belly, and the Paris Hilton's top was falling off. Haha darn funny sia. Geisha and Alex really have stage presence; they both deserved to win. Amazonian was quite good too: he dances quite well!

The food was nice although the mutton was tough as leather. But the photos we took together, the final messages, etc etc basically basking in each other's presence was what mattered. I feel like this may be the last time we'd ever dine together as a section. So sad. I really will miss my section a LOT. They've added to all my beautiful memories. I will miss my fellow J2s who have been with me the longest and have been through all my victories and failures, and also my cute juniors who've never failed to brighten my otherwise potentially monotonous days. So I guess, this is bye to the section, but life goes on. I must move on too.

As for other things...

I hate being the perpetrator and victim of miscommunication. I feel like the most negligent being on this universe to the point I want to curl up into a state of non-existence. In society's eyes or perhaps just my own, I'm doomed to failure. What's the use of trying to be everything when you can't? Well, I can't. Who'd want me then...

It doesn't really matter when the world is reeling into a state of disorder. But it does...if I want to live the 'victorious' life. That's why I am ever more driven to excel in my studies. As for the other factors that will get me on with my education, I guess I'll just need a huge amount of faith, or rot with the huge amount of guilt and condemnation I face now...

Sad state of affairs

Today, I had consultation with Ms Suhaili and I think that was the best move I made this year.

Other than that, school was rather humdrum except for the activity given us for Civics. We were shown photos of 'leaders' and asked to identify them, after which we were supposed to say what made them leaders and what qualities they possessed. Some things were said that made sense, some things inevitably provoked. Of course, they were said in a well meaning form.

If I had said anything, first of all it would be my grousing about how they so want us to become leaders and all. Now for that I have a lot to say.

School wish to develop this class of people. Companies seek out such people when interviewing. The world lives to revere such people. Why are leaders given more credit than due? If one were truly a leader, and possessed humility, then the world would be wrong to blow up their status to such a revered state. I know many leaders who have explicitly stated that they never want any recognition. I believe Buddha is one of them. I find this absolutely ironic. A good leader never does his work for glory, but then why do we give it to them? Perhaps it is good in the sense that it exposes us to their strengths and qualities, which is fine. But coupled with the overhype that society places on leaders, it seems that leaders throughout history become like gods. I'm not comfortable with that.

I always wonder, if everyone were a leader, then who is led? Of course, there are many answers to it. One can be a leader specialising in a certain talent and lead others to achieve the goal pertaining to the talent the leader has. In that sense, everyone has their own niche in being a leader.

What I'm saying is that I'm not a cynic preaching against leadership. I cannot fathom the superficiality at which it is taught. The menial positions offered in school such as subject reps can't even convince that one is a leader. In saying these are leadership positions, does it mean that doing 'sai gang' is leadership? Such posts can never bring out the leader in you. Even if one primed oneself up and said they'd be the best Chemistry rep ever, there isn't much they can do other than collect notes, distribute them or relay messages to and fro teachers. They could have initiative and photocopy extra notes, say, but who does that please tell me.

Secondly, I profess I am super cynical of leadership programmes and workshops. They can indoctrinate, preach, give you all the jargon, but they'll only fill the head and not the heart. The way I see it, only life can make you a leader. Mahatma Ghandi didn't attend any leadership class, but probably from young he developed himself, and had a moral upstanding so pure, characteristic of a leader, that it came out naturally. His heart was heavy for the alienated and suffering native people of India. I've seen so many students go for such courses only to see them end up in trouble and absolutely losing it. It never works because some people probably won't dare to choose to be a leader.

For that reason, I believe that a CCA is mega important in school. Nurture and develop character in school? How do you do that while lecturing cell structure? Perhaps punctuality, consistency and non-procrastination are useful qualities that can be learnt, but other than that, the most fundamental things can be learnt in the crap that happens in a CCA. Why does the college want to advocate leadership so much when from the last few days I've heard so many instances of CCAs being controlled by the school administration and teachers-in-charge? The CCA leaders are stolen of the chance to develop their leadership qualities if they can't act as leaders and have to come under the absolute authority of someone higher. Leadership is a farce in the college. Things must change.

Other than that, the situation in the middle east was pre-ordained to occur. They've been fighting for generations, since biblical times. If you think that thousands have died recently, probably a hundred millions have died in total since the begining of time. In our near-sighted morality, is it right to say to put our foot down and say that the fighting must stop because lives are being lost? I think people who make such statements are sad cases. I cannot help but feel that their claims are selfish. They don't want the fighting to happen because they don't want to see people die, that's all. They don't really care about the lives lost; to them the death toll is really a statistic. Perhaps, they even find it a thrill to make noise and create trouble by moralizing the whole situation till it is disfigured and people don't realise what they say, just because they want to appear moral and stop the bloodshed. They criticise the leaders responsible for it. You know what convinces me to believe that such people who so blatantly fault leaders under the premise of loss of lives or whatever are being selfish? The fact that after making all that noise, they don't care at all about what has happened. Instead of politicising the whole thing, bl**dy get your *ss in that country and save the dying people! We seem to be solely capable of blabbering more than we do...

There are a few things people cannot understand about world leaders. Whatever they do is, right, and whatever they do is wrong. George Bush may have stayed back with some kids upon receiving news about 911. What makes you think he had to stay because of something meaningfully important, or how do you know he didn't have anguish pierce him upon receiving the news? Then again, if he hadn't invaded Iraq, we'd never know what Saddam the madman might have done these last three years. Perhaps he really didn't have WMDs, or maybe he had no intention of being evil (sure, after the Kuwaiti invasion all he could say was that he wanted to keep his troops busy..). Although there is still much violence in that region, it's only because fundamentalists are trying their best to take over the country and reinstate an absolute rule once again, otherwise why else would they fight when US is trying so hard to establish democracy? Also, it's due to some zealous fanatics convinced that the capitalist devils are trying to exploit their resources, and are bent on destroying the Islamic world or whatever. Is that fair? And must we blame the US for not having the people's support when it's so hard to get it. It's wrong to say that people aren't happy: so many went crazy with joy when Saddam's statue fell. They're only unhappy because of the continuous insurgency.

People aren't able to see two ways. Leaders are normal human beings who can make mistakes, and cannot come up with the solution to everything. UN till now hasn't fully achieved its purpose of keeping peace in the nations. Freedom of speech has allowed people to get plucky enough to defy their governance intellectually, yet the government is the one that usually encourages this freedom of speech. It gives people more say in a more enligtened world. Take away this enlightenment and imagine what happens if we were still in the monarchic times, when the king was the one and all, or if you were ruled by a dictator. How would we be now? Not only will our voice be taken away, we'd be suffering. We never actually do give thanks for our leaders, do we? We're only capable of putting them down.

People waste their time talking instead of doing. I don't want to associate with such hypocrites and that's why I normally remain silent during such discussions.

More Melancholy

Just to add to the melancholy that will plague my generation...

Taken the Miyazawa out of Miyazawaman from my MSN nick.

It ain't an obsession. It's just a memento of my past. In those days, I was a young flautist, excited by the prospects of delving into the inspiration that was berthed into me by the person I've respected the most in my life, Marcus Tay. He was truly a musician, carrying within him a flair beyond any I've seen so far, with so much potential to make it really big. I looked up to him a lot. It started off in a love hate relationship, with me fearing him to the bone. I really can't believe what happened to me that day...I think 12th Jan 2002. Suddenly I was put into the flute section, and stood in between the oboe and flute. Hoping I cld continue the oboe for morning assembly, I took up the flute. But that wasn't all, he made me sit next to him. Anyone who sat next to him for the first time feels scared and in no way was I spared that fear. After a few weeks, it became a joy being his second. I loved making music with him. I looked up to him a lot. So it thrilled me so much when on the fateful day, I believe the 8th of June 2002, when we had our first concert AMBience I, and emotions were flying high, that he made the SL and passed down his Miyazawa flute. He believed in me. Although I felt that I was screwing up my first term as SL, in the second year, I decided to rise up again for I couldn't disappoint his trust. I believe I did the best I could.

When I stepped down from AMB in July 2004, I was once again separated from my Miyazawa, and in a similar fashion, I passed it down to my new SL, Seow Hui, who hasn't in any way disappointed me. I'd say she was better than me in being loyal to my trust than I was to Marcus'. But separating from this special flute that even bore the scent of his breath for a few months was quite hard. I remember that when I went to KL in December and it began to break, so did my heart.

Now, I'm separating from it again. But, it doesn't feel as special as the previous flute at all. I just got my Miyazawa from Meera and that was it. Yet, the name itself just haunts me with the beauty of the past.

I'm not obsessed with Miyazawas. I know that the flute doesn't matter, but the player, quoting Mr Lim. I could use a Yamaha for all I care. I didn't even know the model of the Miyazawa I used this year or whether it was hard-walled or what crap. It doesn't matter. The flute just has a special place in my heart.

It is scary to think, that I may never be the Miyazawaman ever again, considering that there's a possibility I never do music again. But how possible that is, I don't know. I have this feeling that I won't be able to escape it again...

Melancholy

The end is over. MY END has begun! Now that I've stepped down, the new life awaits me. Full steam to 'A' levels!

But before that, I gotta pay homage to the band that has contained me these last two years. After officially stepping down and letting the new leaders rise to the echelons, I reminisce the old times. When it was our turn to do the same. Life went on from then.

I went snap happy today for AGM. But then again, it was really the 'sharing session' that Mr Ho called it that was the most precious. Such a thing comes only once and never comes again.

Sorry for boring you all with the speech la...pttttttttt.

Ok I'm tired I can't do this properly...I forgot everything I wanted to say...

Suddenly become aware of many problems in this school that have even permeated into the band like a curse. And if we are to change our perception of muggers, then I think that it's time we take CCAs more importantly. Really. And give us more freedom as the organisers and administrators. Ah whatever..really braindead.

Very sleep deprived...but very melancholic nonetheless...

I liked Samuel's speeches....haha

Memories

So after listening to Tsubasa O Kudasai like a gazillion times last night, this morning and once while coming back from school just to bring back the good memories and jive, suddenly the waterfall image from Amazonia's third movement flashed past and I heard that sound and saw that scene. Er, so I spun that dial round and selected Amazonia. Listening to it brought back the memories of last year's SYF, and how we were so set on getting the Gold with Honours. I think on that day, I actually began shaking for the very fact that I was in the first row, and there was a mega possibility I or we could screw up. And we nearly did in the end. Yet, we got the coveted GWH and got many schools jealous of us. It doesn't matter bah...like Cindy said, I think what mattered in the end was the spirit and unity that was displayed in our playing that day, or even Etude XXX that made the impression.

And here I am now, at the threshold of officially stepping down and stepping out of this life that has accompanied me and brought me so much joy this last year and a half. In just two day's time, I'll be delivering a final speech and that will be it. I like ceremonies very much because although people believe it's supposed to be stoic and solemn, I feel that this very environment is what induces you to be even more emotional at the end. I think that the best parts of the AGM will be the handing down. I will remember how it was my turn last year, and I will proudly pass down this legacy to the successors. After that, there'll be a hearty gift exchange and lotsa photos, possibly some crying if people weren't put into a bored stupor yet.

Indeed, the person who's impacted me the most is none other than the great man himself, the father of music in Singapore, Mr Ho. It's so heartening, his humility that he allows himself to be called Mister instead of Associate Professor or what, unlike some who insist on being recognised as whatever status they achieve. His dedication is exemplary. Although he's an expert at his field that is music, what is more intriguing is his knowledge that far surpasses anyone I've met so far. I believe that's the embodiment of a true musician, one who doesn't do music totally, but does everything. Music is like a philosophy and an exploration. Mr Ho is a teacher in all ways, not just reflected in his many teaching positions that he's taken up in the past, but in the way he treats his students and earns their respect. If there's one thing I'll miss the most it'll be meeting him, the legendary Mr Ho whom I've heard about since Sec 3.

And my juniors. I've so much to say of them. But really...if I did so now, then I'd have nothing to say for Wednesday. So, I will keep it on hold.

I love NJCSB!!!

Oh and I love www.dictionary.com

er...haha

er...haha. I'll never forget this phrase. Only two people I know have used it exactly this way.

Anyway, I'm currently doing something very sinful. Haha. Check out the time. And I'm listening to modern country music. Check out Rascall Flatts "Life is a Highway" from the Pixar's Cars soundtrack.

(I said Pixar because I think Disney shouldn't get any credit for Pixar made movies. It's just the distributor!)

I'm quite humbled by how someone I know leads her life. Very driven. Weird ideas, but when you realise how well she does, you know that it doesn't matter. I like people who have a creative motive behind their achievements. Not some lame thing like my mommy asked me to do it or I wanna be rich.

But I must remind myself that success in life is very deceptive. It's not just achieving something 'great'. Please define what great is first. I am under the impression that great is even greater than what we know now.

My life is going to change from this point onwards. I'm getting back on the right track. I'm striving to set my eyes on the right path.

And no, it's not the path to the 'A' levels.

My dreams are all crashing. After thinking through it all, not even one happens to be fulfilling. Not even teaching, and having a stake in the future generation.

I wish that my destiny will be revealed to me....

Haha. I love Tsubasa O Kudasai (Please Give me Wings). It was my favourite tune since 2002. That was the year AMB had its maiden concert, AMBience. I'm glad I'm one of the founding members to its concert series!!!! If I were to ever become a band conductor one day, I'll make it my band's theme song or something.

Speaking of which, in 2004 when my band actually played it, Mr Lim had a very noble motive. The notion of spreading your wings to fly away, chasing your dreams, taking off with them with the anthem of hope, was what Mr Lim wanted to fuse with the school's bland and indifferent culture. It felt so noble. I'm telling you, AMB is a band different from any other!

Ask me for the song if you don't have it.

Dreamt I died again. Basket it was a weird dream. A Hong Kong shopping centre. Knuckles was scurrying around before he receives a call from Sonic saying there's trouble ahead: terrorists. Then a massive spaceship comes in (probably the Blue Typhoon from the Metarex series) and Knuckles nonchalantly glides in and saves his darn rat tail. Leaves me in the shopping centre, and then I see scenes of these Honky ladies with hankies over their mouth, grey shirts much like the 'Army' shirts that our NS men don, and khakis. Oh, they're carrying guns. Bang bang bang. There's not much panic though; my dream was rather silent at this point. Following instinct and some sound that meant salvation, I dived into this corridor. Then I heard this sound that meant doom, someone's footsteps and I knew the terrorists were coming down that way. I thought that by hiding behind this conspicuous depression in the wall, they wouldn't find me. So I waited as the footsteps got louder...the idiot saw me. I dashed towards her putting my hand in front to try to sacrifice my hand to save my life...nope. I died. Few minutes later I was alive again, and then it appeared the terrorists had gone and tho there was a wake of disaster, ppl were shopping normally. That's where I saw Lingyi, Hara and a few other band members and history classmates happily finished their shopping outside some Popular bookstore. Later on I dreamt someone in my family was suddenly in trouble, and I called the ambulance just to ask them how I could rectify his condition. I can't rmb what happened to him but I think the person was my brother or some other friend.

What can you make out of these dreams? Why does someone I love get hurt all the time?

But I know one thing. You can die in a dream and get another chance. Not in real life. And not for eternity...

Weird weird weird.

Updated links

Yes. I've finally heard the pleas of those who want recognition on my blog, and I've also brought justice to those who anyhow put my link on their blog without telling me. My policy is, you link me, I link you. haha.

And yes Yulin, I've changed the spelling of your name. And I hope it's correct...

Must think of what to say to....

And it seems that everyone jumps when they see anything with the letter T over here....stop it. Times have changed. Yupps...

:D

Battle with Flying Cockroach

The last time, it came to haunt me at night. This time, it was my turn to haunt it.

I saw it crawl onto one of the bags. I started thumping it, not knowing whether it possessed the superpower of flight yet. It got catapulted onto the blanket of my brother's bed, so I started to thump the blanket too. Alas, to my surprise it bats its wings into a pile of bags, cleverly hidden. I didn't want to give up yet; I vowed to drive it out of my room. So I start thumping the bags too. The fiend flies out of it and crashes into my left arm. YUKYUKYUKYUK. But it didn't feel as heavy or massive as I thought it would and it wasn't so disgusting. It was like a moth except slightly larger with more fluttery wings. It fell to the floor and retreated to....oh crap somewhere under my bed. Darn. Nevermind, I doubt it will stay there forever.

Yesterday in the bandroom, I drived driving out another cockroach but Benjamin very kindly smashed a cricket bat into it, severing its abdomen. Then Karwai told me to clean it up so I got a tissue and scooped it up. Budden, I realised that although I had seen white stuff oozing out from its side, it's legs moved sometimes, and its antennae were very weakly moving about. After observing it for a few minutes I realised I should be going. But when I came out of the bandroom, into the cold air and dark lit corridor, it's antennae started moving about more violently. In amazement, I wanted to show Wilson, but then to my shock I felt something vibrating within the tissue. Was the vermin kicking about or trying to use its superpower? I hurtled to the dustbin and got rid of it. So, these are the accounts of my close brushes with cockroaches as of late.

Did the QSC survey thing today. The questions are weird. I'm positive there were two questions that were repeated...one about whether you love the school, and the other whether you were happy in the school. Are they trying to see how consistent you are with your opinion? Cause I think for the second question, I answered disagree for the first time, thinking back on how miserable NJC has been making me recently. But after doing a few questions and realising that NJC ain't that bad, I then answered agree. What a dimwit. But the survey was weird. ..hmm...weird. yup.

I'm quite ecstatic, but really, must strive towards operation PFFT. You'll never guess what it means.

Oh, and strive towards becoming a full time mugger and getting 4As all that jazz all that jazz.

Singapore Choral Fest X.

Just settled down after this really (hectic) day. (hectic) considering History and my double GP period were cancelled.

Anyway, the main course of today was the Choral fest. A mini band was chosen to play Tsubasa O Kudasai for this performance. Firstly, although I've been playing this song for the last three years, I never actually dreamt that I'd play it with a real 244 strong choir! And this choir comprised choristes from many many JC and Sec schools. So it was just glorious, the sound.

The practice first started yesterday when we were excused from CS day to go to VCH to play. The guest conductor for the choirs was an American, and soooo funny...he reinforces the fact that "The wife is always right", always seeking her advice during the performance, and more amazingly, always listening! Wow...now that's really something. I should become like him. Anyway, the practices were really gabra; having about 280 people on stage doesn't make things any easier or neater. But we did it. And I enjoyed being under his baton.

What's more, I really loved the fact that I was with two of my dearest juniors. I think it was a good time of bonding between us, so good that I was even compelled to treat them to dinner today hehehe... But I really enjoyed the time spent with them.

Secondly, since today was the announcement of the brand new Musicom and Exco, they took over the responsibility of handling the event. I'm very proud of how they handled it all, and I'm also proud of Benjamin who took the warm ups and tuning today for the first time so confidently. I think I can retire in peace (RIP), knowing that Shermin and Benjamin will far surpass their predecessors. The QMs also managed everything seamlessly. Very very well done.

As for the real performance, a few funny things happened. Well, I'd like to start of by saying that in all my 5 years of playing the flute I have never enjoyed any performance more than this. For one, there were only three flutes, meaning there were only two first flutes compared to the 5 or 6 we normally have. I've always felt having such a large section was detrimental to one's creative and expressive faculty because having more people will cause the player to have lesser involvement in their part just because many others are playing. So being by myself and Lisa today really made me happy: I was actually moving around and dancing. I've never felt this free in my last two years in NJCSB!

What else added to this euphoria? The fact that I forgot to bring my score!!!! HAHAHA. I think someone removed it from my file, and although I knew it, my stupidity prevented me from realising that I had to put it back inside. So basically, I went with the file but without the score. But since I've been playing this piece for so long I guess I didn't need to look at the score to play...I just kept my eyes on the audience, the conductor and the pretty choir girls. Anyway, the lesson we can really learn from this is that the dependency we have on our scores can really affect our playing: the greater the dependency, the worse our playing. By virtue of the fact that by gluing your eyes on the score you're gluing your head and concentration on it too; you never interact with hte conductor, fellow section mates and fellow band mates. Most importnatly, you really don't have any idea what you're playing at all...the music becomes meaningless...it goes by really fast. Today, I felt like I had played for a whole concert though the piece was only 5 minutes.

Lastly, I'm very happy that I was privileged enough to shake hands with the conductor! :D:D:D...

This performance has really made me cherish all the company I had, and somehow I felt more homely with this small bunch of us playing. I was reminded especially of how nice one person was and how I used to look up to him very much. I realised he hasn't changed at all...

I also thank the choir classmates of mine who were soooo madly waving at me from the back. Don't worry, I saw you :D.

I'm feeling really happy. This is the greatest way to end my performing life in NJCSB. Next week, I'm going to officially step down and pronounce Shermin and Bennyboy next PPs, after which, I will become a full-time mugger. I'm confident of the future of NJCSB!

Donkey

Great, moments after posting that stupid post I'm feeling guilty. There are better and more edifying things in life to think about.

Who am I to decide what life should be like.

I wish for a Utopian world but it's impossible and never gonna happen. Nope nada.

Shut up. I don't want to talk anymore. Blogging is a sin

Absolutely frustrated

Maths is a dangerous topic. I'm having a psychological problem after letting it slip off from my hands.

If you're stuck and are obstinate to not move on, how do you evaluate such behaviour? I can't bear to leave it blank because I'm sure that it's either careless or something, if my answer just doesn't match up. Even if I've no idea how to go about doing it, I hate just giving up; maths is logical! There's gotta be a way to solve it! If you're creative, a bit sharp and you understand your stuff well, you can get it! So, how wise is it to justify skipping a question by saying that you're not wasting time and you learn how to manage time properly?

DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN
DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN

Was feeling so jolly this morning I wanted to post something cheeky. Now I'm just feeling rotten. I think school is trying to chew me up and spit me out. Fine, maybe I should just convert into a full-time hardcore mugger just so that I can keep my nose above the water.

I don't get it; nowadays grades don't matter if you want to enjoy a prestigious education, but why then is it so hard just to obtain them? Although CIP and CCA and all are not taken into account anymore, why do people still strive to gather hours? It just doesn't makes sense. It seems like survival is so difficult now.

Just a long time I came to the conclusion that the culprit of all the pressure we face today is just the fact that there are many other human beings around us. We live in a time where there are more people living than have died in the entire history! And the booming population is due to the progress that we've perpetuated...but how long is it going to sustain itself. Human beings are driving themselves to a point where their innate nature to keep on progressing will just increase until it'll kill them. Because as life gets better, more is demanded. How much can the human being take? Assuming that the theory of evolution is true, how possible is it for us to suddenly be able to sleep on two hours of sleep and be up and jumping, or have unlimited intelligence, blablabla, because that's what a normal lifestyle is considered now. My Primary two sister's idiot friends call at close to 11 at night and one dope actually called at 6 in the morning. I think kids deserve more than eight hours of sleep. When I was in pri 2, with immense discipline I'd be tucked in bed by 830pm getting ready to wake up at 6am the next day. The human body is amazing, but it's also amazingly weak and high maintenance. Bah. I'm sick of life...

I imagine myself being thrown to the part of society analogous to the dustbin in a restaurant. Maybe I should train to become a restroom specialist. Restroom specialist! Ha. They get a spanking new name, and I suppose to be what was known as a toilet cleaner you're going to have to have better qualifications too. To become a toilet cleaner, you're going to have an 'A' level certificate. Wah the world is plummeting into peril. Anyway, it's not too long before we start hurling missiles at each other. What's the point of learning what we do in school. Might as well join those hippies in America wearing placards saying "The end of the world is coming!".

Ya so maybe if I can just about pass my 'A' level exams I have my life laid out before me. I can learn how to make the Takashimaya toilets become the main attraction of the shopping centre. Man I'm going mad.

Anyway, got this gross e-mail of the hottest Japanese food in town. Then they show images of people eating baked foetuses and this is the part where you cringe your face in disgust and swear you nearly puked. If it's really true, then all I can say is, men aren't stupid, they're just deranged and depraved to say the least. What's wrong with just sticking to chicken or pork? How will baby flesh taste any better? Similarly how is the brains of a monkey possibly any more appetizing than the meat you eat everyday? I can't understand such people who make dining a sin. But, in my honest opinion I think the e-mail is a hoax cause how much flesh can a babe have. It'll be mostly softer, tasteless tissue.

In that case, I can't understand these idiots who get a kick from making people look bad by telling lies about them!

People are just mad!
Why am I a people?
Ironically, I think being called a dog is compliment.

Wah I could've said a lot of more horrible things that would've gotten me into trouble with a few governments and probably even Al-Qaeda. But I shan't say it and keep it in those moaning head of mine.

Superman Marathon 2!

Lol so today I just finished watching Superman 2, and yes, that's the Superman that I watched long time ago. It's amazing that although I watched it like more than ten years ago, I could still remember certain scenes, like Superman saving that idiot boy from falling down the Niagara falls, and the three baddies with Superman's powers, I even remembered they were from Planet Krypton. Why, I even remembered that Superman lost his powers and had to walk all the way to the North Pole (or whichever part of the north, I suspect it's Greenland or something, he can't possibly walk to Santa Claus' house!). But there were a lot of minor details that I couldn't have possibly remembered or even understood when I was so young...

For instance, the fact that the people who knew Clark Kent weren't so idiotic. Lois Lane did start suspecting that he was indeed Superman cuz she realised that Clark Kent always went missing when Superman was around. She even tried to commit suicide just to make Clark Kent show his powers! Oh, and I realised that Clark Kent is quite smart: the reason he acts like such a loser is not because he simply loses his self-esteem when in normal clothes; he's trying to look like a loser so no one suspects he's Superman! Ahhh...how ingenious...his disguise doesn't lie in his clothings, but his character! Ya but that idiot tripped over a pink white tiger thing on the floor straight into the fire place and Lois saw all that (he didn't get hurt), and when Lois realised that he accidentally unwittingly took of his specs and told her everything.

Btw, if you don't understand a few things about Super Returns, watch Superman 2. Like for instance, how the little boy had super powers. Everything is crystal clear.

Oh, and another thing about him being invincible and having nearly the best superpowers of all? Well, a person has more to lose if he has more...he gives up his powers for luurrve. Idiot. But what's worse is that he did it cause he was soooo in lurve with a twit that even when he knew his greatest foes had arrived, he gave them up. Ah well. Those crystals containing all the scientific knowledge of 28 other galaxies are more powerful than that. Even then, after giving up his powers, he was in big trouble. Why, I bet he never knew that driving for hours on end could give him a backache (heck he didn't even know what a backache felt like). What's more, first thing he does is get into a fight. And bleeds. And gets shocked that he bleeds. Poor chap. But just imagine that being all powerful and then just becoming normal. Such a leap renders him nearly powerless, for if you haven't noticed, he's probably the only hero who doesn't know how to fight! He just flicks the bad guy and he's flying away. Who needs techniques, or slick moves? He doesn't need to bat an eyelid when a bullet hurtles towards him, but Spiderman needs to jump up and down aided by his augmented nerve conduction velocity, while Batman doesn't need to worry cuz most likely one of his money packed wallets under his suit will protect him (stronger than Kevlar).

Oh hoh...Superman is really very smart. The movie is proof that intelligence conquers megalomania. You gotta watch it to know lah. And Lex Luthor? He doesn't really like going around with his hair bald...he prefers using a wig. In fact, he always uses a wig except when in jail, compared to the newest Superman where he only wears it when conning a family.

Superman's got a superpower unknown to many people...his kisses make you forget everything. Imagine what would happen if say a whole trainload of people found about his true identity. Imagine the amount of kissing he'd have to do just to wipe out their memory.

Ah well....Superman ain't that bad after all. What we can't tolerate is how so pro-American he was...saying he'd uphold justice and blabla the American way. He's even seen carrying the American flag at the end of Superman 2.

But something I noticed at the end of the show...a message saying "Watch out for Superman 3!" As you guessed, it never came out, for Christopher Reeves had his accident. I believe Margot R. who plays Lois Lane goes insane too. Yup, Superman actors are cursed. Wonder what'll happen to Brandon Routh. Speaking of which, I think Christopher Reeves suited the role the best. He's got spanking good looks just like Brandon Routh, but he also looks more rugged, more befitting of what Superman should look like. Routh looks a bit sissy...

I can't wait for Superman Returns DVD to come out!

Superman Marathon!

We rented Superman and Superman II from VideoEzy today, and we've just about watched Superman. I remember very vaguely watching it long time ago, but I think that's Superman II, cuz I remember very clearly the storyline was about Superman fighting those of his kind. Well, the begining of the Superman shows nearly everything about how these three baddies came about, and how Krypton exploded, and how Superman grew up and all that.

Yup, after watching Superman Returns, I cannot deny that Superman doesn't have any uniqueness. Initially I thought that invincibility was a lame idea. What's a superhero without a weakness? And having heightened senses and unbeatable strength, speed etc...isn't that basically what every other superhero has? It seems like such a boring package, but somehow the movies especially Superman Returns made it clear that it is this uniqueness of Superman that can add more jazz to the action...and also give an opportunity for more action. Especially since in two of three movies that I've watched, there's been a setting where Superman has to do more than what any could even expect he could do. Both were Earthquakes, and required Superman to be everwhere at the same time so that the death toll didn't even touch one, and at the same time save Lois Lane. Plus the added complication of Kryptonite. Superman isn't that boring after all.

There are some disturbing features and concepts of the movie of course.

Primed up for another experiment. My first one didn't really follow through well...I guess I never really followed my protocol in the end, the brainstorming bit, but when it was completed, it kinda had some sense to it. My new project is really really difficult. I just thought up a story, a bit of a romance story. But since I'm such a loser in that department, it may not turn out like I want it to. Then the procedure itself, I'm sorely lacking in any knowledge, so I'll try to restrict the size of it. I hope it turns out decent. It'll take a long time, that I know.

And the national day 'Battle of the Bands'...very tempted. But can't let it get in the way of my studies. How ah? It will be fun...and I don't mind fooling around on stage. Just that...aiya. Can't even get a band let's not even think of it! I'll never forget the Sec 4 teachers day 4/4 band Scaarry Tartle Teeme Creesees, now defunct. That was really fun. Considering Hong Kai was singing. MUAHAHAHAHA

But seriously

After Etude I've been feeling moody. It's not that the juniors are already begining to usher in our departure with their melancholic lines, it's just that now I feel like life is going to change a lot.

I feel like a really large part of me is going to be ripped off me. Alas, it feels like it's been ripped off already. Band has been such a big part of my life, and now it's something I'm gonna have to relinquish again. All the emotions, the experiences and the time we spent together will disappear into a vague collection of memories. The happiness, the sadness, the exuberance, the pain, the excitement, the low times, and all the other times we had will be the past. It's slowly slipping away now, and it's being taken away from me and I respond by just accepting fate. My friends, my section mates, my fellow music com people, Alex in particular who are so close to me, will not have the same value they had: they won't be 'fellow band members anymore' because I will have just a mere, short distance affiliation with the band as a member who has stepped down to study. So many things I have to let go off. The most important thing which I've surprisingly accepted easily is the fact that I'm soon going to have her slip away after one and a half years. Though no progress has been made in 'that' sense, I think I've come to appreciate her more as a friend. She'll become a distant memory soon, too, but a sweet one, I'm sure.

True it's a process, and it's already begun. But I don't fear, I don't worry, I won't hold back. I just accept it as my destiny. Let time take its course now, and all this will come to pass....

Wah kao darn good thing you all didn't give me a chance to cry on that day or else I would be collecting buckets! I feel like such a SNAG now, I admit. I feel so vulnerable. No it's not this obsession I have with band, but there are certainly many valuable things and people I know. Who wouldn't feel this way...

Dead beat

Wah kao...school's taking it's toll on me already...I dread the end of Etude cuz now it means I'm gonna be faced with endless mugging. But it's not gonna be as bad as Sec school...I was more or less prepared long before the 'O' levels so I was spending 3 months repeating the same things again I went insane. That's why I screwed up my O levels in the end.

Anyway, I wish I knew how to put up pictures! Let me try using the age-old Ctrl-C Ctrl-V method, better known as copy and paste...

It doesn't work! CRAP.

My other com could do it. Ah nevermind. I even tried uploading it using that small icon up there but it didn't work. I give up. Guess I'll have to be all sentimentalish in my dreams. Gd nite...

Etude XXXI: My finale

Yup I'm most prolly one of the first few blogging about Etude since most of you are at Shermin's place watching the World Cup! Anyway, I thought I should do this before all my emotions seep out and I feel dead as duck tomorrow.

Although it's most common for one to start from the begining of a recount, I find it more apt to begin from the back. So I reached home after my dad got me from school and I tell him I'll sort out my stuff. I looked through all the flowers I got today: more than I'd ever received in my life in total. I think I got 6. I looked at them with more intention, realising some of them were accidentally crushed, but I proceeded to the kitchen and took out a mug/makeshift vase to store the flowers in before adding a bit of water. As if I were an old man in a contemplative mode, I stood there and decided I liked the small pink one the best. I dunno who gave it to me though, sorry. Then, I went back to the living room and looked at the rest of my presents. Many notes written from the heart lay there, and like an old man I read them slowly.

Why I behave like an old man is because this is really been a culmination of 6 months of work, one week of miracles, and three hours of joining hearts, with each other as band members, and with the audience. It can just be a mere memory, albeit meaningful and worthy. Now, I feel at peace to just relinquish myself of my duties and retire.

It's really been amazing, what has happened for us. Not even what happened in AMB can match up to the montrous feat we managed to accomplish. Indeed, to put on a concert at such a prestigious venue is a collosal task. The exco proved their worth, and so did all the players. I would rather say actually, in my honest opinion, that our concert was prepared amazingly in one week. That's because all the watershed events, turning of attitudes and spirits happened then. Alex didn't lie when he said that I should know being in the band business for so long that the last three days of the concert were the ones where we greatly improve. We did. Our concert wasn't perfect, nigh it was far from perfect, but it was done very very very well.

I hope to see the video of the concert soon, because maybe watching it again and envisioning what I saw on my seat will help me remember all the emotions I felt on stage again, that I may remember who all I felt like giving credit to, and who I wish I could applaud. Many people only give credit to a few people in such instances. There were so many people crossing my mind that I've surely forgotten them all. Cuz a song is never a song until individuals come together to play. And the most basic building blocks of the song must be thanked.

I can say, this has been the best 'rehearsal' I've heard so far. I knew that the law of diminishing returns wouldn't kick in this time round, but we could've pushed harder, that's all.

Thanks for appreciating my solo. It wasn't my best...I think the one during the rehearsal prior to the concert was the best so far...so I was kinda upset it turned out that way. But I bet no one knew (Except maybe for some really keen band members) that I faked my way through the last part of my series of solos for Scheherezade. Haha...I could feel my note was about to crack with the acciacatura, so I quickly (as quick as a reflex) tongued all the notes ala the oboe solo...damn funny...I bet no one saw my face after I did it. I was making funny faces.

I want to thank those who came to the concert. I shall do the rest later today (don't forget, it's 1 am!)

YAY

YAY See you all tomorrow!!!

Let me sound more mysterious...

Yesterday morning (now is midnight), I woke up hacking away, and the same fear that gripped me constantly two years ago came back. Tightness of chest caused me to feel like I was going to die somehow. It came back yesterday. I hate enduring that feeling; it revisits me when I play to hard, or when I'm running. It wipes out my feeling of security. I hate it.

I've been dreaming a bit lately again, this time last night. It also involved my little sister getting hurt, getting scarred by the hummingbird-like beaks of some strange fowl. I've no idea why my dreams always have something to do with her getting hurt, and me trying my best to save her. Then, I dreamt that we were playing this computer game, and I ddn't know if it was keyboard controlled or something else...somehow it just didn't make sense why we "had to pick up Melvin when he ws just a few spaces down, Cindy", and then it dawned on me that moving of our game pieces was mind controlled.

Sleept now...it was horrid. I'm trying my best to not put on my blanket to let my cold subside. If I do, it becomes like an oven. So far so good, think I'm feeling better.

Ate a small piece of chocolate to get those endorphins rolling!!!

I don't feel like I'm in the right state of mind...being alone in the room doesn't feel, nice, anymore...

Magic nearly happened

Let me be very honest.

The band is not concentrating at all.

But it sounds beautiful.

I think that Hov Arek had a really nice effect today.

It boils down to unity. A band that is not united can never continue united. Why was everyone following his own beat?

It's more delicate than you think it is. You just need one idiot to think that they have to come in a bar early, and if the rest of the section isn't vigilant, the whole song will be destroyed. One person is all it takes.

As for my sickness, I'm scared I can't play for Etude. After I scolded the flute section again, I started burning. So I went home.

It was really fun! (I hope my parents don't read this). The side gate had closed JUST 7 minutes after I left, so I had to walk the long way. Fighting fatigue from the medecine, and my lowered Nerve Velocity, I tried to trudge on. Thank God a taxi came soon although I never expected it to come.

I normally take 4 days to heal. I'm gonna fight for three this time. Fighting means drinking lotsa water, peeing a lot, and the best part, sleeping alot!!! Yeah, but it's important. I can't let the band, my section and my effort down.

This will be the ultimate struggle. I must prevail!

Thank you to those who showed me concern. "Don't worry, I'll be ok ;)"....some philosophy from Sonic the Hedgehog! :D

bad timing

I shouldn't have allowed myself to get upset today...but if I hadn't I think nothing would have happened. How people can lose track of time and lose focus. Aiyah...don't mean to boast or anything it makes me a bit angry that I seem to try to make my best of the sectionals and people waste time. Don't do it la...I accept your apologies anyway, those who did. It's ok...

I hope I get better soon. By tomorrow morning, I'll wake up and feel like jumping out of bed, for a reason other than there being a cockroach in my bed or something.

If not, haha. I'll magically feel better before 3 30pm tmrw lol.

You should realise how making a person upset affects their health negatively. Psychology plays a big part in immunity, from a biological point of view. Ah, it makes me feel awful to know how I've made people become sick the same way...

Something like the final countdown

Two years ago, Marcus blew up for what I know is the second time in his life and said that if someone weren't interested they could get out. No one did.

Now, I feel that some people really do wish to walk out the door, or deserve to.

I have controlled myself quite well thus far. I have about one more week to control and should be able to.

This is exhilirating really. But there's so much at stake. It's like playing a computer game you can die in easily, but not when you're the character and dying means really dying. The fun of the game becomes fear.

Hope is dwindling but will push!

I think that we need to get engrossed in the music. Close your files everyone.

Identity

The real question at the end of the day is, who and what are we? What do we stand for?

Anderson Military Band is destined for greatness I think. I think it's wrong to think that my batch of leaders did anything much wrong at all. Sure, we nearly lost a 'military band' title etc., our way of handling our band and all. Times change, should be flexible.

At the end of the day, there was really some kind of stolid dedication to what we did. Wah...I'll never forget how Edwin and I promised to stand through it all, and how we pushed pushed pushed till the end. For the second time I realised how pressure can make us strong at the end. I really respect Mr Lim: he was a monster but an inspiration. But I feel that it's sad that as his kid I haven't really grown per se. He'd look at me now and laugh, no, hang his head in shame.

But never did we lose our identity with AMB. It transcended even the people that we worked with. It's really strange, cuz at one point in time, everyone was so against each other, but at the end, when we realised we were AMB and stood for something greater, all differences melted away. Me being the most paranoid of all, realised that the people in it are great.

Personally, I understand the vagaries of people. I guess that in order to lead we need to have the people factor. The way I've supposedly been offended by my mom lately just proves that I'm not even as rock-headed as I thought I was. Even with the shelling and desensitization to insult (or it can be seen as the acceptance of offending correction), I still have the capacity to be hurt and felt trampled on. That's why I appreciate being in a band, it really teaches us so much about life, and about living as a community. As much as I sometimes have inhibitions against being in a society and this sometimes affects the way I interact with people, I learn lessons and people become a treasure after a while. Unity has bothered me for a long time, and the way people think and feel differently, sometimes such that it's irreconcilable, cannot be understood. Similarly I've been awed by how some people can come together and spontaneously just click. You realise that the juniors, one from dsa, many on appeal, realise their position in the band and are more dedicated than anyone else. The J1s are amazing. Just like how the J2s were amazing.

I cannot and don't wish to answer my or your questions. I don't have enough information and pursuing anything might be seen as provocative or intrusive. As it is, I don't wish to be involved in things I'm not given any involvement in.

All I can say is that we need to understand the rich history. We take it for granted only. It's just a few words that we utter a few times whenever we try to swell the situation. If you really looked at what we are, then only will you find the passion to go on.

What was my buzzword last time? What did Daryl say last year after the mighty visitation of -_-? Passion!

Don't die now. We can't die. We can all die after Etude, really. It's like how I held onto my health until after College Day and then just broke down and remained in a pathetic state for more than a week, the worst in my life. We can't see this as something to just get over with it and finish...I'm quite glad with Project "We Can Do It" and I'm excited over it because it's foot come to shovel; we're gonna get ourselves dirty. Thanks exco. Even though it may sound like a herculean and perhaps impossible task, it's a thrill to get ourselves busy in a concerted manner. This is an example of working for a common cause, and that's what binds us.

I've learnt alot during this journey. Even if this doesn't work out at all, I won't regret the whole thing. I've learnt a lot about a world I didn't know through this journey, learnt a lot about life, gone through some sh*t and come out pooped. Humiliating events may be for humility.

But we can do it! We are NJCSB!