I did it!!!

Finally after two years, I told the barber I want my hair botak. I realised taht asking for a crew cut will not make any difference to the final product.

Anyway, it was quite a frightening experience as I watched my thick hair falling to the ground, leaving a lot of skin to be seen. At one point in time, I thought he blew it and gave me a bald spot, but I think it's just because of the perspective. Anyhow, after a while I thought I'd just close my eyes and see the surprise taht awaited me.

Actually my hair isn't that short, but it's never been any shorter. Tmrw will take section photo with my new haircut haha!!!

Today was a really good day. I'm pleased with everything and all that was achieved.

Warning

I'm just warning all of you, every single one of you out to peel your eyes on me... I'm really really tempted to cut all my hair off...for the very reason that I've been subconsciously pulling it these last few days, and so to remedy this problem I shall get rid of all my hair. I'm either cutting it unbelievably short or going for bald. Really...

Probably on wednesday la...

In the meantime, just cheeeooong now...

Time is flying by too fast for my liking

Time is flying by too fast for my liking. I dislike time. Now I'd better sit down long and wonder how to get a grip on all that is needed to be done...

Plea

For the love of us all, please be serious now guys. There's so little time and so much to do. If we're serious we'll expedite everything and we'll have enough time to enjoy our concert instead of rushing. Come on...

Frightening dream

I dreamt for some weird reason that I was following a group of people and we were on the tenth of eleventh floor of a certain building. My three year old sister was tagging along playfully. These people suddenly got onto this plank that extended for about 50 metres to another building, so following them, my sister happily got onto the plank. Suddenly, something happened to her and she just couldn't go any further than where she was. She kept on flipping from one side of the plank to the other, when she could have easily crawled across owing to her small size. I silently stood over there, telling her silently that she could do it, not wanting to help her because I knew she was able to do it. Suddenly, she released the grip from her tiny hands, and for that millisecond it seemed as if she was saying "I've given up brother," and I couldn't even bring myself to watch her plummet down 10 storeys. When you watch these dramas where someone screams 'Noooo' excessively, well, that was the most natural thing I could do at that moment. I mustered enough courage to look down; I could see her small body falling down, still under the influence of other forces like the wind and resistance so I could see her moving down the same way a leaf does, except a looot faster. And then I heard a small thud and red speckles. This is not a cartoon mind you.

That was by far the most horrible dream I have had. I cannot stand what it would be like to see anyone I know die. The moment her fingers slipped, the first thing that came to my mind was Six Minus One. Having a sister, growing up with us and getting ready for so many more years of life suddenly ended in a split second. As much as I wouldn't want to see anyone die while I'm not there, there's no way I want to see anyone die while I am there.

But it ended more positively. I was at home and my mom was there. Not knowing how to explain my sister's demise, I opened my mouth to utter some rubbish when suddenly my father came in holding my sister. And I said "But I thought she was dead? I saw her fall down!". My mom replied "She's a lot stronger than that to allow it to happen".

Oh my gosh. This is the same sister of mine who by God's grace circumvented a hopeless life of retardation, stunted growth, all sorts of stuff. Or, she may not have even lived. I don't know what to think of this dream and I certainly want to forget it; the imagery is by far the most disturbing.

I'm glad I gave myself a self-imposed holiday from band. I need a mental break. Thursday was the peak of my exasperation and it manifested in that vile headache. Sigh. At least the waking and shaking up is still continuing. Will be back, hopefully refreshed by the next session...

Rendez-vous

I cannot believe it. In the 853 just now, above the sound coming from my head phones I hear someone calling me. I turn around to examine the source of the calling and I see this malay boy. Wondering if he was calling me or had any idea who I was, I look at him momentarily, my brain cogs whirring and clanking and suddenly the answer came out from 8 years ago. Illyas Ishak!

And so I join my old Gabrielite classmate and ask him about stuff. With him are four other people, all the type that look like they'd bash you up. While he's going "hey brother long time no see," and all that jazz, I'm wondering if my presence is welcome to them. And then one by one, they start asking me if I remember them. It came slowly, I remember Shahrul, but not Ashton, I never knew he existed (ooops), and oh my, Sebastien had changed a LOT!!! He wasn't the chubby bald guy with small eyes who resembled Buddha in a lot of ways, but looked stout with long hair! And he seemed as docile as ever. He reminds me of Tian Po from Mulan. So it was a really nice reunion, kinda. Pity they were getting off three bus stops away.

I told you I'm darn famous in my primary school that everyone still remembers me, and calls out to me! Hey, these people weren't my friends, they hated me to the core since I was the upholder of discipline, but they still respect me after all these years. What's more surprising is how they still recognise me. I don't know which of my features haven't changed.

I asked them where they were, and they said all from Nanyang, telling me their departments and all that. To us JC kids Nanyang in our lingo would probably hit us as being NYJC, but no it's NYP, Nanyang poly. It kinda put fear in me for a while, talkng to poly people, after all the hype about Poly ppl being looked down upon by JC ppl. But I very unhesitatingly told them I was from NJC, and although they had no idea what that was, they seemed so indifferent to my being in a JC. After all these years, catching up was just more important that it didn't matter if I were a druglord even.

This shows that the very act of taking people or circumstances for granted is what generates discrimination, hatred, animosity and finally war.

That's why we need to find something special in each other every new day...

Sick

hehe just for the thrill of it, I shall blog when I'm supposed to be in school, just like last year.

Last night I had a bad headache, and slept relatively earlier without doing much work. Couldn't quite get up this morning, so I slept it off. I'm going to school later to meet Mr Fuad.

But what bamboozles me through all this is how people think I'm stressed when it doesn't quite occur to me. Shockingly, Ms Suhaili said yesterday (very contrary to most, if not all teachers) that apart from working hard for the CTs, we should take a good break. And then for some unknown reason she turns to me and says "Especially you, you seem to be stressed lately". Why she said it still puzzles me.

Last night during band when I was having my headache, first thing three or four different people asked me was, are you feeling stressed? I was just having a headache, not feeling stressed per se. Perhaps just tired and in need of rest.

Maybe the feeling has become so numbed in me that I can't quite detect stress anymore. Perhaps I deny the presence of this beast in me. For one, I've been ultra unproductive lately, but it's because I just can't bring myself to do work. How is there any way that I could feel stressed apart from the fact that homwork piles up (although by me, it's been quite manageable, except for history recently.) History recently sounds like an oxymoron. Anyway, I admit that there are so many things going on in my mind, so many things I have to take care of and people who I have to attend to, decisions that I need to make that are posing themselves as dilemmas, that maybe it's manifesting in me somehow. I think the most obvious sign of it all is my face. It can't lie to anyone.

So I shall have to take these next few days rsting really really hard, and at the same time studying my guts out last minute for my Malay, which I'm really not confident of doing well in. This is because I haven't devoted much time to it, especially with all the other stuff I need to concentrate on. At least I've been consistently doing what my teacher asked me to do. I think I can make something out of it...

Busride

I did have potentially good company in the bus today but I distanced myself to let the two have a good time. My head was throbbing. I think it was cuz I allowed myself to get upset again.

It was quite an emotional time in the bus by myself. I was listening to my MP3 player and I just didn't want listen to Bohemian Rhapsody, not even the LSO version. I skimmed down my Pod, and listened to Claire de Lune after long. I've got three renditions, the original piano, James Galway and Philadelphia Philharmonic Orchestra. Didn't have James Galway's, I think his is the most touching interpretation of all, but listening to the two, I went through a whole myriad of feelings, like I wasn't in the bus only. The piano version was nice...I felt like I was moving and flying through the sky again. But the orchestra version was the most moving...in it, suddenly I felt my strife, the words Alex spoke about Singapore turning into Japan, and seeing students and adults alike returning from their places of work, it added to my agony. Reached the climax before the sound simmered. And then the flowing section in rubato, the same flying thing, but somehow I pictured myself in the London skyline, flying through the clouds at night with the moon in the river Thames, with the Big Ben on my right, the houses on my left. And then I continue with a more pronounced ascent before I plunge down towards the sea, and at the climax I quickly twisted upwards and a spray of water surrounded me from both sides. I found myself back on my window sill and realised that life isn't that bad. It's beautiful if you take time to look at it (which unfortunately is impossible here.)

I really feel like just taking a walk by myself in a nice place, dunno where. Bishan park?

What Ashley told me in Hong Kong last december, in our room before we switched off the lights, about just letting go no matter how difficult, well, I think I'm doing it now!

I suddenly feel like I think I know the reason to certain issue...so random.

You know, I have this sudden urge to create something new. This time, I want to do like this Fantasia thing where I combine visuals and music in synchronisation. I want to realise this vision that I conceived one night three years ago after listening to James Galway's albums the first time. My initial ambition when I was little was to be an animator.

Hmmmm, ok I have nothing more to talk about now...really numb is my brain

Grow up

Cynicism

The cockroach disappeared somewhere...hope it doesn't fly out again.

Cynicism is the way to wisdom, but who's destination is eternal destruction. It helps you realise truly that life has no meaning. Whatever you work towards, no matter how noble the goal, is meaningless. Your ideals are forever being polluted by the corrupt of the world. Forget it...you can strive for a satisfaction that lasts fleetingly, after all the years you put into it.

Even music is meaningless.

But, having this mentality then blinds you from realising that there IS a greater meaning to life.

What is the meaning to life?

PS: I'm really not depressed, just a bit contemplative. In fact, Im really feeling a bit...hehehehehehe shan't say!!!!!

beDamned dream!!!

Oh gosh of all the dreams I would want to come true not this!

I dreamt that there was a cockroach and in the finale it bounced off my back and I woke up. Now there's a monster with wings just on the wall above my brother and I don't know what to do!! What if it flies into one of us! Poor Kirk.

And for goodness sake I do not want to have any physical contact with that filthy creature!

Oh update it's climbing closer to my bro, now going up, onto the ceiling, closer to me, God I'll never open the windows to my rooms again!

What?? I need some...some scent, a pheromone or something to lure the dingbat outta my room. It's bloody huge la! If it didn't have wings I'd be on him, but if the freak realises I'm out to kill him, it will escape...and I hate flying beasts eurrghhh yuk.

And I can't use spray cuz it's in my mom's room! And if I spray it, it's gonna fly some more!!!

WHAT TO DO??

I think i'll finish my essay and sleep. How's taht?

Mistakes

Ok, I know....

My life is one that you shouldn't follow. I am a compendium of examples that are erroneous and disastrous. The only consolation is that hopefully my screw-ups can be an example for people to not follow. Imagine saying "...if you want do your best, don't do what I did."

But since I have a knack for getting myself into equally embarassing situations, it doesn't really matter. The thing is, I need to spread the message that people just shldn't do what I do.

Oh I've always liked making mistakes. They help someone to learn. Doesn't necesarily mean me.

Feeling utterly miserable after putting my parents through all that trouble, though it was super convenient to change things last minute as compared to what we expected.

Feeling sick of getting so much blame when it should be shared.

But I will never profess that band has brought me nothing good. Everything bad that has happened to me, I cherish. Even the crap that happened in Sec 3, as all you Anderson guys would remember. It has really made me a stronger person.

But in relation to that period in time, I'm learning something that has absolutely altered my impression of everything. The people, it seemed. We were just destined to slip into a concert band.

Why do people believe in something and then slink back? I know that when we have a dream we should push on, or just give up graciously. But never fall down on our knees and give up. We lose a dream, but we can get a new one, a better one. I've always believed that the reason why our dreams fail is because it really wasn't the best dream, and a better one would be coming soon.

Lap's batt going to die soon.bye

hmmmmmmm

College Day was ok, our performance went great.

Had a chat with my mom now and suddenly, everything feels like it's going to go badly. I'm feeling extremely shameful now.

Feeling like everything I do is going to amount to nothing. I believe that being a jack of all trades is dumb, and I'd rather be the master of one. With that I still cannot understand the dumb rationale of being all-rounded.

A parent of my classmate criticised him for not being all-rounded because he didn't take physics. But he wanted to turn it around and throw it back at his father cuz unlike his dad, his cross faculty combination ensured that he was even more all-rounded than his dad, and with his statement I agree.

Sad that even parents of this generation put Science as the be all, know all. I guess it's because it's having Science, or Maths background that helps one do well in Singapore, be it in the RnD or Business. That's why people may mistakenly claim that taking these particular subjects cause one to be allrounded, mixing up the concept of being all-rounded and being, perhaps, successful. Ironically, why is it then that although Singapore is a hotbed supposedly for Scientific research, why hasn't anyone heard of any Singaporean scientist who's discovered something revolutionary? There's too much of undue emphasis being put on Science and not many people can accept the fact that the arts/humanities-based disciplines are able to bring success to a nation. Business in Singapore is good; isn't economics considered a humanity though it's very scientific too?

And we hear of so many American, British, French, Russian and other scientists who are brilliant. It is these nations that take a more liberal approach to education, one that is not so content-heavy. I cannot stand the fact that we treat our education as material for stuffing into our heads. It feels pointless. How does it teach us to look at things through different ways, or counter new problems? Cause if we need to solve a new problem, we'll have to hit the books to find the answers. It's an insult to the human intelligence, that we've lulled ourselves securely into knowing facts found by people who are gone. What did these great people do without books when they had to face a new problem and seek an answer?

It seems like everywhere I look I have a problem with the way it's being run. That's why I just don't feel enthusiastic in participating. If I truly believe in something and an institution, then I will give it my all an nothing less. Then again, maybe I should fight and try to change situations, but I don't see why not actually: excuses. Ahhh...an evil thought just crept into my mind...muahahahaha. Anyway, that's not the point. Point is that I'm really sick of this kind of life. I want to take things slowly, I feel it's better for my eventual development. Sorry my brain can't function fast, I am the slow and contemplative type and speeding things is no good for me.

How many can truly tell me their JC life is fulfilling. Yeah, maybe if you've been wasting 24/7 mugging your guts out and managed to get your As, it would be fulfilling. Not by me. There's so many other things that I haven't witnessed in life that I need to experience, and I'm wasting my time. This state of affairs is stifling. I wish I could develop wings and fly around the world. Random Blitzgrieg.

I'm feeling rotten after what happened today. Hate seeing that face...I'll never do anything that'll make me see that face again. @#@#$.

The Glass pane at the exit of the bus

It shows you things that amaze you. Once, I waved at someone special through that glass pane, tripped and fell out of the bus and she hopefully didn't even see it to laugh at me. Today, it took on more sentimental value.

I was coming back in a 105 bus, which passes by St Gabriel's Primary, my old primary school. Two jolly little St. Gabs boys got onto the bus. They weren't crude, a stereotype I thought befitting of us when I was still in primary school. They were talking with their voices raised; it seemed like some small little issue was tickling them to the bone. They laughed and played, and though they're noise might have been noticeable, it certainly did not annoy me, for I was in fact smiling at the thought of these young boys living out their carefree lives. For that short moment that I realised I was once one of them, my eyes suddenly changed focus and I now saw my reflection in the glass pane which was right in front of me. Abruptly, it dawned on me that this was the truth, the reality: the one I had been escaping all my life. My eyes were deepset, my face long. My nose had turned sharper and my eyebrows had become more angular. Hair and spots populated my face.

I had grown, and all I could now do was look at these two boys living out my past. Soon, I would be an adult; my looks would have changed again, and I'd be looking at boys my age now, living their lives the way I am now. The dark monster called age and maturity is working on me, and my Peter Pan dream will never come true. I can only turn to those younger than me for solace.

I think that's why I like kids. They complement my sentimental state. This whole portion makes me sound as if I'm an old man waiting for my life to end. Ha!

Anyway, the half day was quite fun actually, though I promised my teachers to finish undone hmwk by tmrw, and still haven't. I'm sorry to disappoint all you fans of mine who think I'm a mugger but yes, I seriously don't have any impetus to complete them. And my sloth will pay off unless I change.

I shan't tell you about my half day...hehehe.

Tomorrow is College day, and I'm looking forward to performing again after a long time. The band will put up a great performance once again as it does every year. It will provide the right note to the finale and give the best reason for the crowd to cheer and applaud. Hmm, a lot of my friends are quite intrigued at the 'This old man' theme of our song. Everytime they meet me, they start singing it. Sigh.

"Hey Craig!"
"yeah?"
"This old man, he played one, he played knick knack on my drum ....."

-_-"




Still getting the feeling that people are incapable of taking me seriously because they think I'm incapable of being serious. Very frustrating.

I dislike the fact that people notice other people's attitudes and swiftly judge it as arrogance. It annoys me. People don't recognise the fact that people have a reason to behave in such ways other than to blow their heads bigger. On the other hand, I think it's wrong to give credit to any particular person. The annoying thing is how people are so prone to stereotypicism and judgementalism. On one hand, they will look at one person and think his attitude is that of arrogance. On the other hand, they'll look at another person and respect him excessively. The arrogant one, may not be a criminal after all, and the respected person may actually be quite a rotten person. It seems like people have absolutely lost their ability to be objective. This will just result in unnecesary discrimination and create rifts between people. From experience in my previous band, such an attitude is dangerous in a band, and concocted with behind the scenes chat, this will just stir problems, because one person's ideas will spread like a virus. What's worse, when I'm in conversations, people will just accept what a man says without questioning him for his justifications. A person may say this guy is arrogant and then he won't be able to give specific examples in which he showed arrogant behaviour at all, just giving the excuse that "this is what I feel". Not everyone has got semi-psychic gut feelings, so don't trust them. And upon hearing one's reasons for such a label, it's up to your interpretation whether that person really is what people think he is. This is all necesary in order to make sound evaluations of people.

I think it's a sin to judge a person without taking all these into considerations. I think it's blatant disrespect to the person and absolute disdain for humanity. Maybe that's why we're commanded never to judge others, apart from the fact that we will one day be judged. Perhaps God realised that we are lousy at judging people because we're not omniscient and we don't know everything about a person to reach the best decision. We're not perfectly wise to understand and appreciate a person's behaviour. As far as possible, I do not waste my time evaluating a person using my own faculty of analysis because even if I were very good, I am not perfect. I choose to ignore behaviour that people deem arrogant or annoying or anything negative, and I try not to give credit to particular people unless in private and if they're really really deserving of credit. Because I know that if I judge them, my thinking towards them will be negatively skewed and my relationship with them will deteriorate. I hope that I really practice what I preach, though no matter how ideally my ideas are, I know practically they're impossible to keep to.

Yeah, so don't think so hard, and just enjoy life. Life is hard...

Mad week

College day is coming and I hope it ends soon. Again I came back from College day rehearsals and reached home at 9. I swear, truthfully and secretly in my heart it annoys me I have a neighbour two streets down and yet I'm not as lucky as her to get a lift home. Grrr...

I felt like I could blog but now I feel like I can't. A lot of random thoughts that I've been waiting to develop have popped into my mind but I just can't seem to be bothered to document them. Fatigue I guess. All I can say is, two weeks to the holidays and I'm screwd....there's so much homework to do, and I haven't done them.

Also, the choice, I thought, had been settled, but now circumstances seem to have caused the painful choice resurface. When talking to my mum she was visibly upset. But I don't know what else to do...sacrifices are involved...my mind urges me to do one but my heart and conscience another.

I seriously think my mum is feeling very sad that I'll soon be leaving the nest and all that. She won't take my departure to NS too well, I think. She sometimes sends me these weird smses to us men of the house sometimes...all mushy and all. Maybe she's going through a phase, but ya I really feel sorry for her...

I wish that maybe I could have bothered about my loved ones a bit more than me...I'm so evil.

Quiz

Which Sonic The Hedgehog character are you?

You are.... SHADOW.You're bad and you know it. Nothing scares you. Nothing stops you. Nothing stands in your way. You have the power of Chaos at your disposal, and you really know how to use it. You'll get what you want at any cost!
Take this quiz!








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Ah well, I said that if in danger, I'd use those shimmering chaos emeralds

Trying week

After having a nice holiday due to GE, I was all charged up and I told myself I was ready for the week and nothing could stop me.

I have never come home so late so often as this week. On Monday and Tuesday I reached at 7, on Wednesday I reached at 8 30. It has been a physical exhausting week, with Thursday offering me some rest because malay teacher was sick, so I slacked off in the band room. Today was nice cuz I spent the day at home, slept a total of 15 hours altogether, and went to Serangoon Gardens by myself for a bit of reflective time and for a walk.

Wednesday was in particular a shaking for the band which I am glad off, although Mr Whitby's remarks are terrible. Sure they're hurting. But it's not our fault the stage crew misunderstood intructions and a harp and piano had to be brought in. We'll show them better on Wednesday!

Lotsa dark thoughts been creeping in. But thank God for rest, otherwise, I'd be dead.

But I still regret the fact I can never remember my dreams anymore. Is it due to lack of sleep? Bad timing of my dreams? Like it may have started at the begining of my sleep instead of at the back when I usually wake up and remember everything. Is it some kinda, 'punishment'? Anyway, the only dream i remembered recently involved someone, so that's why I remembeed it. When I woke up today, I didn't even know I had dreamt. Until I saw a scene of a cat being picked up, then suddenly I remember dreaming about picking up some animal in my dream. Couldn't rmb what it was; settled for it being a rabbit in the end, although I thought it might've been a dog too. It's like having amnesia!

A lot of emotional problems coming up. I have a lot to worry about, deadlines to keep, argh things are piling up. But I'm in high spirits. My pimples are coming down too...haha

Plea

I will be frank and explicit and there's nothing holding me back now.

It's kind of a relief that people have finally begun feeling the pinch. It is this thing that for so long has been discouraging me and been my source of perpetual depression. Bingo. I think we've realised that fundamentally, people haven't really been keeping to the thing that band is about- music, us PPs being the biggest sinners. To be politically correct I won't want to tell you why we apparently have been inefficient at pushing the music scene; the only explanation I'd offer is that I expected to see a lot more initiative rather than waiting for us to say anything, especially from the seniors and Musicom. Seeing our seniors practicing with such dedication, there's no reason why we shouldn't want to emulate them and pass down this tradition of hard work to our juniors. Neither do I believe that we have any less a capacity to do what our seniors have done...

Therefore, don't let us be deterred now. We are the strongest when we are weak. Let's pick up the pieces and start anew. We can't ignore this and say that nothing has happened; we can only just use it as a reminder for us to begin to move on. It is not late. Even if it is, stop thinking that it is, it's the wrong attitude to adopt. I TRULY believe in us and what we stand for. 31 years of strong tradition will not break just like that. Time and history may not hold the band together, but the people can. The band comprises players who are so vastly different, but I cannot accept and I cannot stand seeing personal differences and issues coming in the way of people. As much as I would like to bark at you for seemingly having discussions behind our backs without saying anything to us personally, I won't harp on it, because I desire to see people view each other as fellow band members and nothing lower. And apt it is to thank once again one person I've admire who actually had some courage to speak to us about topics that have commonly been the issue of your lunch and dinner times, Vanessa. In fact I don't mind outrightly saying that some people I would have expected to have more courage have disappointed me in not wanting to talk. Sorry, but it's the truth, no hard feelings...I have seen a lot of this backstabbing going on involving other members but it must and will end.

Personally, these circumstaces only serve to spur me on to relook everything and do a self-assessment. I know how to change things now and like I said, I'm still very very confident of myself, and of us. Please trust us, Alex and me. We will provide a clear impetus for us to work with, we will listen to your comments, suggestions and corrections, and we look forward to the communication I've longed to have.

I am an irony. I expect results that require constant meeting and envisioning, but at the same time, I hate bureaucracy. Can you accept me for me? But I can change...

NJ band, let this be our most glorious moment now. Time to return the blood and sweat invested to us by our seniors...there is a reason to be confident. We just need a mindset adjustment. Remember when I told you about the school thinking badly of our morning assembly? The moment it was brought to light, you all responded IMMEDIATELY and the result was people telling me from then until now that we sound better. There's no question of our band not being skilled: we are skilled we're just not living up to our potential. Let us not forget also why we're in band...for music. Let that passion just cloud everything else that can hinder us from furter progress.

Let's do this again....We must do it!

I expect to soon see the words "We did it!"

Let's do it!

Choices

I'm just so sick of myself. I have no idea why I behave the way I do. I feel like I'm the dirtiest, most undesirable person in the world. Why do I take things so personally? Why do I let my volatile emotions get the better of me? Why am I such an irony? Why do I have this tendency to want to be different from others, and then regret different from the rest and not being able to fit in? Why must I stick to my own irrational philosophies so obstinately, and why am I so stubborn in general when my mind is fixed on something? Why do I have a need to stand up to people but don't have the courage to do so? Why do I slink back when I want to fight for my rights or choices? Why am I so paranoid? I think this all links back to my volatile emotions mixed with cowardice and indecisiveness. And I feel that people like me are a liability to society because of our inability to fit in, for being so isolationistic at times, and for being so selfish in general.

I can't accept me for who I am sometimes. WE ALL go through this I'm sure. Why am I sweaty? Why am I stinky? Why am I hairy? Why do I have pimples all over me? Why am I fat? All these things add up to nothing but embarrassment. It makes you stand out for the wrong reasons. Here be the irony in me once again; although my mission in life recently was to keep a low profile, I can't seem to have this want to fit in. Like, why can't I be normal? Sure people will say that I've got so many things to be thankful for. It just seems that currently, no one else cares what they may be, like my hair has got beautiful curls or I dunno, my deepset eyes are nice and my nose is stately. Why do people judge so negatively?

And he nearly spoilt my mood again with his utmost insensitivity. It's fine to criticise our playing but to make a joke out of it and interrogate us in that 'how the hell will we know the answer' manner, it's absolutely insulting. He's not being serious or sincere. Otherwise, I'd accept what he said a bit more better. Even if he came to us and asked us 'what in the world happened', I wouldn't mind. But to come and make a joke out of it desecrates the band. Good thing he spoke with Alex; maybe he knew that talking to me will just earn him dumbfound answers or provoking replies. People may talk back to him playfully, but when I talk back to him it's challengingly. And it's instances like these and others that have made me aware of my tendency to anger, especially since I'm never always like this.

Lastly, I'm sick of this choice thing. When two important events clash and there's so much debate surrounding it, which to choose? Now my mom said that I can choose, she's letting me go. Of course I know what I really want, but it's the thing that I don't want that is more 'repelling', yet is the 'better' option, better in the sense that there is 'more good' that will come out of it that I would not be aware of now. What to do in such cases? Duty, passion, or lost passion and life? These things are ripping me apart.

So many times I feel like running away. I may escape but not for long. In the end, I feel that the victorious choice is choosing neither. People may call that bad character, or the inability to make sound and thoroughly-considered choice. The fact of the matter is that in the end, no matter which choice you choose, you win some and you lose some. Why not put yourself in a position where you either win all (take both options) or lose all (choose neither). Choosing neither will also show that you're not biased to one side or you don't have your loyalty skewed to one side.

I just want these predicaments to disappear. Hate choices. But I bet there's a way out of everything, it may just be a matter of time. What will I do...

Sigh, I feel like there's no one who'll want to hear me out, or rather no one I'd want to talk to. Because the thing floating in my mind are so many, and so weird that people will think I'm crazy. I have many friends in NJ, but definitely no good friend whom I can talk openly with. People over here and that 'welfare-ish'; the people I know well only talk about superficial things they can laugh at, or they're people so driven by dreams and aspirations (mugging may be an example) that they're not really the best choices.

See!! The only reason why I'm thinking all these things in a muddled up manner is because I sat on the bus by myself again. Why doesn't anyone else live around my area!! Or rather, why can't the people who live ard my area take a bus and accompany me home rather than get a ride home?? Everytime, EVERYTIME I'm alone in the bus dark and dangerous thoughts creep into my mind.

Somebody save me.

In the meantime, you should try to live your life through a mirror as if you could see your every move. Talk about self-consciousness..

Of Sonic and Superheroes (and Supervillains)

I kinda regret watching Sonic now, because after all those fireworks of Chaos control, manipulation of Space and Time, mindboggling astro-physics, action, rather interesting dialogues at very rare times, speeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a few cool moves here and there, I suddenly feel very, megalomanical. I have this need to emit some destructive energy, or to zip from here to there with abandon, or tie space and time together so as to reach distances never travelled before in negligible measure of time. The problem is that it nearly feels evil, this want to cause damage...like in the morning when there were so many people surrounding me when conducting, I felt this need to do some kinda chaos blast and knock them all down, or away. Maybe I oughta talk about this evil lust in me for power and how I'm coming to hate it...

For one, there have been instances I've been so angry with a person or people that I've thought, if only I could inflict a bit of pain perhaps that person would think carefully next time he or she or they approach(es) me. When there's a need to prove myself in competition and it seems like I don't have what it takes, it seems that the only way to get by is to instil fear through displays of immense but controlled violence, meaning no one gets too badly hurt, much property could get damaged to make an example, and I get respect. Of course, that's a stupid, childish, bully-like way to achieve things, but such is the extent of the evils of male ego, a quality that has been proven to be abundant in me.

This anger may be justified, so I feel sometimes. Is it? All anger is wrong. But sometimes I feel that I need to blow up. It seems that people will only start moving when someone starts losing his temper. Why? So I find that anger can be a negative feedback mechanism. If people are doing something to make a person angry, obviously it's bad or provoking. The person will blow up in order to quickly correct what is going wrong, so that the 'wrongdoers' will work to doing things right. What upsets me now is the fact that people won't accept shouting anymore. They think that people who shout are barbarous, undignified and unworthy to be even considered. Trinetta said that shouting at people at this point in time will not work. Sure it's true. But I know myself that I'm so patient that my blowing up means that something is veeeeery wrong. So now, I have two camps actually, one who supports what I could very cutely call 'loud disciplining', and another that doesn't. For the former, you'll notice that they're either from a military band, or in particular Anderson.

Maybe this shouting thing that sprouted from Anderson has become culture. Mr Lim shouted like nobody's business. After a while we realised that his shouting is for a reason, and when he shouts (at least for me) it doesn't mean we get scared and cry, it means he's communicating with us. He's saying "stop being complacent, get up, move and do things right!". That means, you get up, move and do things right. Anger as a form of communication? His anger is definitely out of love, I'd say and sweep you all off your feet. He gets angry because he knows it's for our good. I think that display of anger is constructive when you know how to respond to its authority.

People, Mr Whitby's scolding sessions are coming this Wednesday, so buckle up! Don't be scared that he's arrowing you! Just be on your toes and deliver him what he wants. If he asks a question, get it answered. If he passes a command, get it done. He doesn't like what you're doing, say you'll change it immediately or as soon as possible. His display of anger, so it may seem, is constructive.

Now the thing that bugs me is that when I'm reaching the boiling point, there isn't much 'love' coming as an intention.Do you think that when parents scold 'out of love', they really have love when they spank you, or they know that this unleashing of controlled anger is a mere lesson to show you who's boss or what's wrong, thereby justifying anger? This is a moral issue whose debate goes on relentlessly in my mind. Hmmm...but I think that when I get angry people misunderstand me and my reasons for why I'm angry and they immediately start putting me down. Maybe they want to smother out the 'fire' within? Or maybe it's just because people behave irrationally when under stress or angry.

When I was thinking of this anger hatred thing, plus my kiddish but seemingly sinful wish for superpower, it suddenly dawned on me; I'd make the perfect supervillain. All villains are endowed with superpowers the same way superheroes are, but what separates them is their decision to use their powers for evil purposes. And the sole reason you find, that villains be villains, is because they're hurt; they've been wronged by people and want to make things even. Suddenly, I think I understood what goes through a villain's head. And isn't this what the Jedi are warned against, any feelings, especially that of hatred or anger as it will lead them to the dark side? It makes perfect sense.

You see, anger and power make an irresistable concoction to hard to ignore. Sonic once turned into an unorthodox super form in the new season, one dubbed "Dark Super Sonic". For one, he didn't need the power of the chaos emeralds, although there were about a hundred fakes one floor beneath him. Mind you there are only about seven originals known so far. How did he use the power of the fake emeralds so easily, when noramlly the real emeralds have to be of closer proximity to him to become the noble Super Sonic? He became dark sonic upon seeing his friends locked up, injured and looking frightened, a scene which apparently upset him so much that for once in 80 episodes he felt angry. A small tinge of anger was all tha was needed. Metarex Narcissus presented a Gold and Silver prototype for him to fight as a normal hedgehog so he could gather data in order to defeat him next time, but the presentation of this challenge birthed an evil smirk on Sonic, which then was followed by him ripping the robots as if they were aluminium cans, with such graphic detail that I'm sure the animators took a lot more time rendering that than anything else. I'm sure in his normal state, it would have taken a lot longer to defeat them. And then guess what, Robotnik comes into the scene and ticks Sonic off for losing his temper...whoa, Robotnik is more moral than Sonic.

Ok ok, enough sonic blabber. In the end, it seems that power and hatred converge into this destructive but attractive force. It is easy to fall prey to its lure, and it damages. I hope that this megalomania doesn't stay too long, and I reject it, absolutely.

The 5th of May

Exactly one year ago we reaped the reward of our hard work and determination.

The sign outside the door said it all...

"We can do it.."
"We will do it.."
"We did it!"

My favourite is the last part of it all :D

It was special to me because I loved the process and the outcome of it all. It was my second but last SYF. It was equally as glorious as my first SYF where we got Gold after 22 years. Being in the oldest JC band and becoming part of its history of victory is the best thing.

We have a status to uphold. We cannot rest on our laurels and think that we've done it and we'll always be good. Achieving much has its price: maintenance.

NJCSB: Gold with Honours!

My face is erupting again...I can't even open my mouth enough to bite...this hurts.

Been watching more of the Sonic X Season 3 episodes. The most impressive were the last few episodes. Although I found out everything that the whole season was about from these few episodes, I can still say that they were the most worthy of watching. Why? Cuz of the reappearance of Supersonic and Supershadow!! Basically, the Metarex are giant robots trying to steal life energy from planets in the form of Planet eggs (essentially as powerful as Chaos Emeralds) to spread plant life over the galaxy. Actually, the Metarex are plants...this may not go well with naturalists and green freaks because the main issue is about whether plant and animal life can co-exist. This is especially pronounced in Tail's special fondness for another 'good metarex' called Cosmo...wah seh, it's still quite shiok tho the dialogue is super crappy. I am always filled with a surge of childish awe when I see the chaos emeralds circle in that fashio, and the two hedgehogs pose in that cool way, levitate off the ground and turn burning gold.

The whole story doesn't just easily end with the two super hedgehogs ripping the crazy powerful metarex-planet complex, the conflict gets worse when ultimately destroying it means that Tails will have to destroy his 'love', Cosmo. Sacrifice.

Sleepy time

Sonic

Wah kao, two posts today again. As you can see, I'm spending my holidays 'well' indeed.

Anyway, Sonic is indeed getting darker. Just watch the trailer to the latest release "Shadow the Hedgehog" and you'll know. Bursts and spurts of chaos energy here and there, zipping here and there whacking aliens. The fact that the all powerful Shadow carries submachines shows that there's tonnes of senseless violence. Taking a look at the new season of Sonic X, it seems that the cute approach of the first season doesn't work at all. See the gigantic metarex bent on destroying Sonic's planet. Large robots with hands as big as boulders pounding Knuckles to the ground. Strangely, he's still strong enough to lift those fists up haha. I even heard that Supersonic wasn't powerful enough to defeat them....ah well. Little critters dont always win do they...

Student Council

I heard this story from my Indonesian scholar friend from VJC, and I'm not afraid to name the school because I think that what they did is disgraceful and they ought to be put to public shame.

Anyway, he took part in the VJ talenttime contest, and before their big semi-final day, he was warned by someone to "watch out, the councillors are going to screw you...". On the day itself, when it was his turn, and they had prepared their amps and plugs and other technical devices, they started playing their song and it started really nicely, so well that the crowd actually began making noise (er...the woohoo a nice song is coming up kinda noise not the balik kampung kinda noise). Anyway, fact of the matter was that after the intro, suddenly all amps blanked out except the bass amp. Upon checking, the prognosis was that someone had pulled out the main plugs backstage or whatever. They played their second song, and even though they had initially fixed the problem, the second time round the amps blanked out again. Without question, they didn't manage to get into the finals.

A councillor came later on and said "Oh, the plug came out by itself, sorry." After a bit more intimidation, he said that "Oh, the PA accidentally tripped over the wire...". Now if you examine the situation carefully, why would the plug come out twice for one certain band and not the others, when the amps are normally shared by the bands, so the plugs weren't faulty. Also, why such a lackadaisical response from the councillor, when assistance could have been rendered, or an explanation could have been given to the audience that something had gone wrong. It appears that the blunders occurred to his particular band, just because it was formed by purely Indonesian players. He also said that in the dance category, one of the teams that didn't make it were Indians.

I can't guaratee that all the information is true, or if the whole thing is true at all. But if it is true, then it's an abhorrence how people who think themselves worthy of becoming the government of the student body can possess such shame. What's more, racism abounding, they apparently don't recognise the intricacy of the human fabric in Singapore and they dare to go against one of the most important pillars of Singapore's society: racial harmony. They can't even let a group of Indonesian scholars feel at home in VJ anymore. How fair is that.

For that, I am thankful that NJC has got such a non-corrupt student council, and they deserve due credit for their cleanness in their affairs. I have not heard a story similar in nature in NJ, and I hope none exists. We so often take them for granted and even mock them; now I think it's time for me to show them some gratitude. With slimeballs like these heading the college in other institutions, NJ can be safe that the student council will uphold integrity for its many more generations to come.

Similarly, I guess the reason why my parents seem to respect the PAP so much for what they've done is because, even their smallest allegations of corruption or nothing compared to what the Indian government commits. I guess that knowing how rotten the world is outside let's us understand how blessed we are internally.