SCREAM

What in the world am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing, why, I don't even understand who I am!!! Why is life unfair and why does nature favour certain people over others?

I feel rotten inside. But maybe I should understand that they are God's creation too and I shouldn't feel jealous or in any way inadequate. We're all special and though they may have many talents I lack, that certain thing I have that they don't makes the whole difference.

But I'm being so superficial that I can even be threatened by their presence.

I hate being a jack of all trades master of none thing. I wish that I could be super good in at least ONE thing so that I could pursue it with all my heart and be respected in that. It's very silly to know how to do many things and not be able really very super good in one thing. If I seriously do possess quite a number of talents, then why was I wired up to be such a singularly driven person?

I'm becoming extremely individualistic, and that's whats taking a toll on me and my relationships. Suddenly the reality of being forced to spend all your days alone is becoming clearer. I wanted to write a lot more on this but too late.

I lost my phone today. I felt very depressed as I always do when it rains, but the only things that perked me up were the choir concert, meeting my old primary school friend after 5 years, and hehehe something I cannot tell you over here....:D

As for primary school friends, I've been meeting a loooot of them lately. This was after me and Evelyn chatted on the topic. Well, like I said, it's something like 'leave them alone and they'll come home". I didn't really keep in touch but they're all reappearing again! It makes it so much more special than possessively keeping in touch, and losing them in the end.

I will talk more about happy things tomorrow. My enrichment week has been absolutely fabulous. I've never learnt more in my life than this week. I wish school was nothing more than enrichment week. I'd learn faster when there are no set limits or a destined course to take. Yup.

Enrichment week and Life is Beautiful

I think that enrichment week is probably one of the best things that have happened in NJC so far and the teachers are deserving of our thanks. I have never felt so free of boundaries, and the absence of any lessons means that I can for once in a long time just abandon all thoughts of mugging and do something worthwhile and learn new things I've always wanted to. The teachers have handled the administration extremely well (which is a feat in itself), and for even organising this programme. Of course, the teachers weren't all that nice and left something called E-lectures and E-assignments for us. Bleah.

I was not warned that the movie I was going to watch for the "European Culture movie screening session" was a World War 2 movie. Everytime I'm reminded of the horrors of the war, something emotional clicks in me. If I thought that what the Asians suffered during the Japanese Occupation was too much, then I still have no idea what the Europeans (in particular the Jewish Europeans) went through. The movie "Life is Beautiful" is an excellent movie that merges humour with more touchy issues like racism and the holocaust.

The movie starts off very vaguely with the narrator saying "This story is a simple one, but extremely hard to tell...". With that the movie begins with the Jewish hero, Guido, and his friend moving into the city to initially work as waiters, before Guido sets up a bookstore. He stays with his uncle who appears to be some antique collector of some sort. Even with its witty introduction, dark themes begin to creep in when they meet their uncle for the first time and watch a mob bash him up and run away.

Guido appears to be slightly numb-skulled initially, but he's quite smart actually, solving riddles that a German doctor who used to visit his restaurant asked him. His wit is what wins over his 'princess', Dora, who was initially engaged to another man who was in fact supposed to help open up his bookstore (reluctantly) and who was a victim of an egg joke by him. They get married and have a son, and so it seems the first half of the movie seems like a fairy tale.

All of a sudden things turn around. When Dora picks up her mother on her son's birthday (his name is Joshua), she comes back and finds the house in a mess. She knew what had happened. She goes straight to the Nazi office, and as a distinguished member of the Italian race, shocks the Nazi officer by asking him to stop the train so she can join her family who's destination is the concentration camp. So it is done. The love she has to do such a selfless thing; she wasn't meant to be there, but just so she could suffer the same fate as her family, she became a victim of the Nazi regime.

Little Joshua is unsure of what is happening, so his father lies to him, making him think it's a game that he signed them up for. In the dusty dormitory, he tells his son that this is a very organised game, in which men and women are separated and put into different groups. The aim of the game is to get 1000 points, and points are awarded to those based on merit. He's told that if he's a good boy and doesn't ask for snacks, doesn't ask for his mummy, hides from the 'mean people with guns', he will get points. If he gets the 1000 points, his prize will be a real tank. This excites him since his favourite toy is a toy tank, and so he keeps to the rules of the game very closely.

Throughout the whole story, Guido is completely unfazed by the fact that he's a POW and he carries iron anvils up and down everyday for Nazi war equipment, and is treated like filth. He even sneaks into the public address room to scream a message that rings through the concentration camp: "Hello, my princess! I love you! I'm still having dreams about you everynight, and I promise I'll see you....even...when these uniformed men are...behind me!ARGGHHH". On another occasion, he meets his doctor friend who promptly tries to help him by asking him to serve as a waiter for the German big shots. He finds an opera that his wife loved and plays it from the room towards the women's quarters. Of course his wife hears it and in her eyes glistens hope...

There are a few close scrapes, especially when his son Joshua is told to go for a shower. Fortunately for him, he doesn't like going for showers, and in disobedience finds his father at the steelworks factory. His mom finds out not long before that, that old people are children are taken to the shower, which in actual fact is a gas chamber. Joshua's obstinance saves him. When disguised as a German kid with other children at the big shots lounge, he accidentally blows his cover by kindly telling the Nazi waiter "Grazie!". He takes off immediately to inform the matron. Guido, in a bid to save his son's life, starts pretending to teach the other children how to say grazie to make it look as if he had taught the little boy how to say it. The matron instructs him to not talk to the children at all, and Joshua's life is saved.

Finally, the scene is filled with the uncomfortable rattling of guns, explosions and fire. Upon finding out that the Allies are winning the war, the Nazis attempt to wipe out as many more Jews as possible. Some are shot down, while others are put onto trucks, destined to die. Guido tries to save everyone he loves this time. He takes Joshua to a mailbox, which he fits perfectly into, and tells him to hide there until he comes back, and if he doesn't, he should only come out when there is absolutely no noise. Guido disguises himself as woman and rushes to the women's quarters where his wife is being loaded. As one of the trucks leaves, he finds that the can't find his wife and just tells the truckload of women to jump off as soon as they can. He's finally caught by a soldier, and when he thinks his life is over, a superior whispers something to the soldier and he's suddenly being taken somewhere. Along the way he passes by the mailbox and he stops a distance away from it, winking at the mailbox and literally skipping in front of the soldier's bayonet, as if he were playing a game. He's taken to a secluded corner, and next thing you hear are machine gun bullets being fired.

It is inconceivable how through such a trying time, he can find the courage to make the whole ordeal a game just so that his son does not realise the reality of the whole situation. He goes to the point of death just to attempt to save his wife as well.

Anyway, the next morning, the last German car leaves the camp, and prisoners start pouring out, taking their first steps to freedom with hugs and tears. Once every single soul has left, Joshua comes out of hiding and into the deserted concentration camp. The previous night, he was told by his father that they had 940 points and winning the last game will give them 60 points. Guess what comes? A full sized tank comes rolling into the camp, and the little boy watches enthralled as the big monster moves in and stops just in front of him. The English hero comes out of the little hatch and tells him "Hello there young boy! What's your name? You don't understand a word I'm saying do you? Well, hop in!". The thrilled little boy climbs up the steel monster and into the arms of the Allied forces liberator. Not knowing what fate had befallen his father the previous night, he screams at the soldier in Italian "It's just like my father told me!". To his further surprise, the little boy spots his mother in the crowd of people making their way back to their old lives and screams "MOMMA!". The English guy commands the tank to stop so that the boy can be reunited with his mother.

The movie ends with the narrator, who is actually Joshua, says "So this is the story of a man who sacrificed his life for his loved ones". Oh man...nearly cried at this point in time...

Passive vs Active

I've finally understood yet another idiosyncrasy of me.

I've subconsciously assumed a position of passiveness for anything that occurs in my life. I don't speak up in class all the time. I don't feel the need to voice out any thoughts during meetings. I shun telling a girl I like her. This form of passiveness is not what I may commonly be associated with but yes, I believe firmly this is who I am.

People admire and look up to those who are active: active in speech, dutiful in voicing in their opinions, playing their role in society etc. Yes, society glorifies the man who is an active one, and that's why politicians are given much regard. Whether it's good or bad, your active actions are worth publishing in the newspapers. Nobody cares about anyone who's passive, simple because they don't respond to things that matter.

The very fact that I indulge in taking a step back and watching and absorbing what happens in various around me is a demonstration of my passive nature. However I differ in that I do respond to such things yet not in such an outspoken manner. For example, I process what I see and turn it into other things like songs, drawings, and even words (like in my blog here) but mainly into other thoughts.

Now that all this is happening, I disagree with what you expect of me in being your 'saviour'; the responsible man who has the power to initiate change. I see no reason why I should be involved in other's affairs. You can tell me things and I can have a totally different impression of things from what you tell me, be it in your favour or not. I can only promise you that my opinion is absolutely independent of anyone or anything told to me. I maintain my stance of passiveness. Anyone who takes pride in me as a person of my status would assume I would do what you want. But no, I stand for passiveness. Sorry to disappoint everyone whom I may have

I really admire people who have shown activeness in recent events, people who are close to me. But although I strive to emulate that which I admire, I will not become like them, because I am content being passive. It is the easiest way to achieve fleeting happiness. Passiveness strips you off any responsibility, a quality I've been doubted to have time and time again. This is since young, when the closest person to me used to break my heart by doubting who I really was, as if I my being elected as leader in class and finally vice head prefect was not proof enough. Hmmm...I've finally bought it, and I'm myself convinced that I lack responsibility. This feeble admission affects me till this day in my duties, like a demon constantly tapping my shoulder reminding me who I'm not. Passiveness helps you appreciate the world better too, without having to add to the perilous noise that permeates it. I think the world would be better if people would shut their mouths, watch a bit more, and realise that politics is not as easy as showing love. There cannot be any love shown to war torn middle east when there is no love there itself. That's where people go so wrong: talking too fast before caring to look at the whole picture. I really hope that people will not fall prey to this, especially since we all take GP.

But I believe that within my mind as I see more and more things and understand them better; form connections, see the big picture, fathom the liasons between every miniscule detail, I will have new found power to speak up and confound people. Something is brewing within me, and it's going to gush out one day like steam in a kettle. I hope I can master more eloquency and logic by then so I don't embarass myself by not being able to explain to people without further confusing them, like I'm so good at doing.

I seriously think my eyes are getting worse. And my ears; some funny feeling came over my left ear twice today...same feeling you get when your ear open up in the airplane. I don't think it's a good thing though. I need to take better care of my body and so should all of you.

Coming back

Yay I'm excited. My mom and sisters are coming back from India. These last few days have been unbelievably quiet at home. That is why I've been so lethargic these last few days. I realised that the energy these girls have are what make me move. Now after a week of male bonding, it's time to have the girls come back.

I'm excited to see how my littlest sister has changed. I remember the last time I hadn't seen her in a long time was when I went to Hong Kong, and when she came back, she seemed totally different, in appearance and in speech. Seemed to have mastered much more vocabulary. I'm scared when she comes back she'll start speaking to me in Hindi or something.

Got a music overload these last few days that will keep me from getting bored. Got some high octane music from Gundam Seed too....and it's unbelievably nice. See...I'm capable of appreciating all types of music. Haha. I'm thinking of doing more listening to Claude Debussy. He's truly a genius, a trail-blazer of his time. His combination of harmony and his melodies were very alien to that period. What's more, he incorporated Mathematics into his music, in which he changes his motifs in the numbers which correspond to some sort of fibonnacchi sequence. Geniustic guy.

Tomorrow there's band, and I oughta sleep man. I'm going to see my mom after two weeks again! Life's been strange without her!

Bland boy

Mr Zach Lim aka Zachy boy did again. He called me up today and said "Hi is this Craig? You know ah, you failed your CTs..." what a think to call me up for! Firstly, I wasn't exactly shocked by that statement because I'm prepared for the worst. But what I couldn't understand was why I was so special that he had to inform me even before all the exams were over. Also, it's inconceivable how they could've marked all my 4 exams in 4 days. Lastly, what did he mean by 'failed your CTs'? It was laced in the same ambiguity that most of the Biology questions had. That's the bio department for you.

He pauses for awhile in response to my 'huh?' before he says no la just joking. Instead he horrifies me further by saying that MINDEF called for me. WHY DOES THE MINISTRY WANT TO TALK TO ME? So a hundred thoughts fly through my mind. In the end, I just take the number and call it (after watching Speed Racer on Kids Central) and I expect this grizzly voice to tell me to go running or tell me that my NS has been preponed or something horrible. Guess what the guy ain't there, but his secretary or clerk or whatever wanted my address so I think the issue is just over my new address (which is quite old considering I've been here for nearly half a year). So ya. I'm getting a letter soon regarding my enlistment. Imagine, just a while ago I remember telling my Leftenan General of the Indian Army Grandpa that I still had eight years more to go before I'd be in the army, and guess what. I probably have only less than eight months. And then comes the 'good life'.

I've come to realise how bland I am as a person. How there's usually nothing for me to talk about with other people except the same old topics. How it seems that I have nothing interesting to tell other people about, like "Whoa I went wakeboarding" or I've ridden the wild wind (whatever that means), unlike so many other adventurous peers who have so much to talk about. I haven't been to as many countries as anyone else, neither have I been to as many theme parks or beaches. I'm sure I have stories to recount but I'm sure nobody's interested because I'm so bland. I mean, if I tried to think hard enough, the only things I could talk about are what me and my friends did, and what me and my friends did aren't exciting anyway. Can't really talk about the time I invited Edwin over to my house and he we played soccer and it ended with him getting hit in the face with someone else's elbow. People will think i'm a gory person. Or I can't talk about my classmate in pri 6 who used to inflict pain upon himself cuz he cldn't get full marks for Chinese ting xie (the spelling thing lahhh). Oh, why do I always remember the sadistic things in my life!

Maybe the interesting things I can tell you are the things that I did as a child that I still remember but many children my age haven't done before. It seems like I had such a great childhood that not many others enjoyed, yet now my life is so boooooring. Someone thinking that I've sat on a camel traversing the deserts of India would've thought I've been around the world, when in actualy fact the furthest I've gone to is the land of the kangaroos. My parents...whoa since my father was a sailor they've seen nearly the whole world during the early stages of their marriage (ie before I existed), and I hope I can enjoy the same thing. MAybe I'll become a sailor or a pilot haha. Or marry an air stewardess!!!! HAHA.

Maybe my insecurity that people who are generally more outgoing are more interesting and more sought after isn't justified, but there's no denying that hearing a Malaysian Boy Scout's ordeal in a night-lit cemetry blindfolded will attract people's attention. I can't refute the fact that I have a tendency to participate in this popularity game because I don't have as many close friends and because I ironically I want to get close to certain people (people, not person). Basically, that's bad. But somehow, I seem to have lost my edge in holding decent and edifying conversations; basically my ability to socialise. Then again, the definition of my ideal decent and edifying conversation may differ from that of the rest of the world, but I really think that what my father said about hanging around MSN too much will kill your social skills is true. Heck, I can't even sustain a decent and engaging conversation on MSN now, unless it has to do with a certain topic or whatesoever. Like in secondary school, it was AMB.

In JC, you meet people who have already been changed and diversified from their 16 years of living, from their school cultures, friends, family, CCA, interests, etc. So the need to be flexible and inquisitive about other people's domains is a must-have social skill, since everyone has different interests. Ok, why do I state the obvious. The only problem with me now, is that I can't seem to connect to other people on this platform called the 'common interest'. I've always wanted to be different from the rest so much so that it kinda upsets me when I do what other people are doing. Like, I felt sad that I was one of the last ones to watch Spider-man in sec 2 that I didn't even feel like watching it. I got upset that more than half the cohort did the same GP essay that I wrote for the CTs, when all along people look at me in disbelief when I take the question that not many people would feel comfortable with (think ignorance is bliss). In that way, it causes me to diverge from any commonality that is shared between other human beings and so I don't have this platform called a common interest. Also, things that I am interested in, I'm quite shallow at. Let's say that I can be considered a jack of all trades and a master of none. Or also, someone who pretends to have many interests but doesn't delve into them too deeply. In that way, when I talk with other people about certain things, I don't seem to be able to connect with them. Like art. I like drawing. But let's keep it at that. From talking with other people, I realise that I'm only good at looking at pictures and reproducing them. Maybe creating a few characters here and there. Bahhh. I don't know nothing about history, artists, styles, or maybe what I do know is limited. What I need to do is a bit more research cuz it don't hurt to know more. Now before I digress, this state of mine gives rise to the problem that when somehow we decide to talk about a topic you like that I claim to like too, you'll be talking more than me, and I'll be scratching my head. Then again, I could always switch to my inquisitive self and ask things, but then it shows my lack of intellect or it reveals my true ignorance in that field, which is basically humiliating. Sigh...am I boring or what?

But in the end, maybe what keeps me happy and content is not going out and doing things, but walking around and watching things. It's nice to look at something and let your mind wander. This kinda attitude is not good for this life. Maybe I should go live as a hermit or go on an extended sabbatical and come back when I'm 60. But yes. If you give me a certain stimulus, I can tell you things I see and what they mean to me. Unfortunately, you may also not be interested.

So there. I lament being different from other people. In my yearning to become unconventional, it has changed my likings, my musical tastes, my humour, my everything. I think society does have a special place for misfits like me...though one of lesser recognition. Arghhh society sucks. And then the new problem taht finally arises with my unorthodox way of thinking: is it right or wrong? Is it moral or unjust? I guess if I argue well enough, what I do is nothing wrong, but I doubt myself most of the time.

Cool, in the end it all boils down to self-esteem and confidence, qualities I severely lack, though you may not think so. SIGH. If only I had more of these qualities I can really be more effective as a person. Say, if I do believe that I actually have the potential to be an effective person, isn't that having confidence albeit in a different way? Oh man, it's so ironic. I'm begining t think that philisophy is about detecting irony, like the age old socrates thing where he questions your meaning of life and you find out that what you strive to do that you think is meaningful is actually a going round in a circle? lameo

I hope though that people do appreciate my unique way of thinking and will attracted to it. I think it's the only thing that makes up for my lacklustrous life.

CTs

As predicted...dead.

I wonder if I'll see my first fail.

Apparently, to keep 'S' papers, you need to have obtain BBC and 4 'A' level passes for the CTs. I wish they'd told us this earlier. No, not so that I would've studied harder, just so that I knew fully the consequences of my folly...now I bet somewhere in Mrs Chiew's file, my name has been highlighted in red, on a probation list. Ooooh the pressure of knowing that...

Ah well. Some people still have the gaul to say crap they will just barely scrape through an A. Haha. Getting a B is alright once in a while too, ya know.

Hmmm...will not screw up CTs part 2 in July. Promise.

AMBience IV

YES! It's all over. And it ended with a bang as always. The band has grown once again as it always does. It makes me smile and realise that AMB hasn't really ended since I left :).

Anyway, the theme of this year's concert was "Circle of life" and many songs pertaining to life were part of the repertoire including the song from Elton John, Remembrance day (Jacob de Haan, a morbid funeral song thingy), Swing with Me! for all the jazz buffs, and many more. Indeed, this year didn't have too many of the standard band repertoire, but the pop selections were equally, if not more appealing.

As for the alumni performance, save for the soprano sax that decided to go a bit out of order, the whole performance was very very good considering the amount of time and the number of practices invested into the alumni section. In a way, although this is the third year that the alumni have been incorporated into the concert, it has also grown in strength (compared to the utterly boring and uninspiring one in 2004 :S)

The weirdest thing happened during the last encore piece, Dragostea Din Tei (mia heeeeeeeeeeeeeee!). Mr Yea was muttering something about "I'm really going to do it"...I had an inkling of what he was preparing himself for...after the first 8 bars, he runs of the podium and goes running around the hall with the rest of the main band, leaving the shellshocked alumni band playing on the stage! Oh man! When was the last time you've seen your conductor run off and run around the concert hall like a mad man??? It was quite tickling...and from the audience face, they thought we were weird. But if an AMBiene doesn't end with people runnign around like fools, it isn't AMBiene anymore.

Altogther a wonderful performance. The principal was all praises of us. Made Mr Yea and Mr Lim sound so wonderful (and it was these people she wanted to fire)...hmmmm

But I certainly think that there were many political elements embedded in the concert which I refuse to publish....

I hope I can play for AMBience V!!!!

If you took this away from me...

Was going to write a blog entry on the importance of the senses, but I realised that I didn't have enough brain power left to think after today's alumni practice.

But I thoroughly enjoyed it...got to see my juniors and even those who have never met me before...got quite shocked when I realised that a girl I thought was in Sec 2 was actually a Sec 4 Indo scholar...then it dawned upon me that she's got Indonesian features. In fact there's quite a number of Indonesian scholar girls in band. It seems like Indos are very musically inclined.

And yes, Indo chinese girls are exceptionally good looking....

oh man what a totally uncalled for and brainless statement to make, especally when there are more pressing issues to talk about like death by not studying for CTs...

Ahhh...but one must learn how to take away such horrible thoughts from your mind. So I think about such things :)

Ok before I look more like a pervert, I sign off

Important lessons

I have learnt a few things in life:

1. Image is of the utmost importance. When your image is at stake, don't stoop down low and apologise to the whole world because it shows you're weak and lack authority; followers may take it in good stride or they may be ashamed of you. It can also be interpreted as a lousy attempt to quickly gain approval and support that is teetering towards being lost. Just apologise personally to those you've wronged and keep other people out of your business.
2. Do not be quick to defending yourself. Control your temper. Calmly make your rebuttal, and if the person refuses to listen to your point of view and argue irrationally, keep quiet. Remove the presence of that person if need be. It shows how firmly you believe in what you do and what you stand for. Giving in to his intimidation is just another sign of weakness as he's succeeding in making you lose your cool.
3. When people insult your organisation, don't let their comments rock your faith in the institution. Believe that these comments, although made irrationally at times, can be the impetus that leads to the destination the higher level, the next level of strength.
4. Show displeasure when people do things that displease you. If people don't get the hint, make some noise. If people still don't get the hint, don't scold them and unnecessarilly waste your health on them. Disobedience is ignorance: if they don't listen, don't care about them just as they don't care about you. You find the band out of tune in the morning, you know why.
5. If people are leading you to do something you don't want to do, don't join them just because it's the nice thing to do with friends. They're making you miserable is unfair to your sacrifice. For good group dynamics, everyone should be included, if not, eliminate.
6. Nothing you work for in life that belongs to this world is meaningful. Not a job, not acquiring knowledge or qualifications, not playing professional sports, not saving the world, not even music.
7. A strong person is never strong alone. A truly strong person draws strength from friends who are there to support him at all times when they're able to. There is no such thing as a strong individual as every person will gain inspiration and encouragement from someone or something else.
8. Don't just accept criticism. Look at it critically. People just shoot their ass of nowadays instead of thinking hard about what they say. If the person is someone you believe, who is in the position to say what he says, and is of admirable character, then his comments are most likely believable and must be taken very seriously. If not, ignore what people say.
9. When you're sure you're correct, stand your ground. Sometimes it is true that you know what's best.
10. You cannot describe something you don't know. Therefore, don't judge a person whom you have little contact with and know little. It is bullying, and downright immoral.
11. Don't just be hellbent on criticising the bad things of something. You will find many a time that something bad can be turned into something good, and that rule applies to character many times.
12. Knowing your weakness is knowing your strength. But don't publish them for the world to know. They will capitalise on your weaknesses.
13. Know that although you may seem inferior, there is always something a 'superior' person doesn't have that makes him inferior to you. Competing is senseless because you can always turn the competition around and level the ground.
14. Life should not be about competition but collaboration, where selfish desire is minimised and all work to one common goal after which the fruits of labour are shared equally. Humanity ought to work on this principle. Then we won't be having hell in school studying to beat the neighbour's results.
15. I am cursed with having long term memory. I can remember things that happened 12 years ago clearly as if I was reliving it. I can remember dreams quite vividly too, like the colours, the buildings, the structures and trees. It may seem like something wonderful, but it's actually a curse. If you remember the good things in life, then it will hinder you from moving on to the unknown and dangerous. If you remember the mistakes you've made in life, you must be mature enough to take them properly and not be afraid to rectify your previous action that led to the mistake, although you may risk making the mistake again. If you remember the bad things in life, you'll never get the good things of the future, knowing that you can't....

Physical remedy

In a stunning turn of events, Craig decides to put his Maths practice papers away and dons his berms and sneakers. Equipped with his Muvo Slim player, he's all set to take the roads and run!!!

Yup. I've decided that since my exams are screwed, I'd better pay slight attention to my napfa and lose a bit of weight during the holidays, or at least do something about increasing my Basal Metabolic rate and improve my overall metabolic rate so I can take on the 2.4 more with more confidence and vigour (although I'm fully aware of the hazards of a high metabolic rate like faster ageing etc.). As a sidenote, there's this thing I fear when running...the stitches. When I get stitches, a sudden pang of fear takes over me...it's like something bad is going to happen.

Anyway, along my journey I saw many amazing things...I crossed a few people bent on doing the same thing as me (ie running and getting some exercise). I saw quite a lot of my old neighbourhood which I still live quite close to, quite a few lookers, and of course came across a few hungry dogs. My dear Mp3 player's right earphone decided to die. That's the fourth earphone I've spoilt in my life...all it does is sit in my ear and suddenly poof it doesn't work no more. Ah well...that means there's no way I can listen to good music in a long time. I shall invest in a good pair of phones this time...

The run was fun (hey that rhymes) but the problem I realised is that neither a scenic run nor a boring run will affect how long I can run before I tire out! If it is a boring run (aka confined to the track), the mundanity of each round finally has a psychological toll on me taht I tire out or give up faster since there seems to be no meaning to the run. If it's scenic, running is just too fast and spoils the view. Either way, I'm not destined to run. Maybe I'll get a next door neighbour to run with me another time...

I hope I can be disciplined enough to keep up with my good work and cut down a few pounds so I can get ready for the killer Napfa. If not, I can enjoy first three months in chalet!!! haha.

Oh I realised I'm one of the few who haven't complained about the GP exam. I'm equally screwed by virtue of the fact I did an essay that half the college wrote (should economic development be the top priority for any government?). My friend told me that this is an Econs S kind of question, and more disappointingly, half of my friends had the same points as me. The only thing that can save a writer in such a situation is really his style, command of English and coherence, all of which I blew. The compre was outlandishly cheeeeeeeem. So forget it...if you don't understand it, forget about doing well.

I affirm that I'm going to screw up my CTs. I'm getting ready for Ds all the way.

Am I nuts?

Am I intent on suicide? I'm here blogging and dling John Williams and doing a bit of looking up on Final Fantasy, when there's a major exam in one week's time! What's more, there's a major practical exam tomorrow! Skill C and D for Bio! Knowing what a ridiculous subject it is and my tendency to screw up practicals, I'm really calling on trouble.

On the other hand, I'm kinda feeling a bit better with so much sleep. Ha.

Die ahhhh

Yes this is one of those entries that come slightly a week before an exam, involving my crying out for more time and proclamation of my doom. Except that I've kinda accepted my doom so there's no point adding negativity.

Yes this has been another achievement...nine hours of continuous blowing!! First had NJ prac then alumni prac. Tired sia. Wanted to study but got no energy...so I'll probably wake up early tmrw.

Chanced upon a few blogs from my junior class! Wow I never had any idea my junior class was so happening! They even had their own blogsite for 06S23! Sucks la...why couldn't the OGLs organise any bonding activities between our classes? Now first three months over, there'll be no chance. Sucks. Anyway, I shall make better friends with those who are in band...namely Benjamin, Fiona and Bixiu, whom I think are extremely interesting people too.

Hmmm...did I mentioned that the person who gave me the smile that tore me to pieces happens to be in my junior class too? Hehehehe...

Something funny happened today after band (something meaning you konw what i mean ^_^)...erm. Probably the result is slight embarassment and a bit of her thinking me weird but heck I squeezed two words out me to her and even managed to get cheeky. Hehehe. Hahaha. Problem is that once it sunk into me how stupid I wld've looked, I couldn't concentrate during alumni band. Ah well...

I must be aware that some people still do read my blog, albeit a few!

Scores

The score. The most frustrating piece of object that exists. Finding it is difficult, losing it is easy. The darned thing needs to be treated with utmost care because tearing an original is as good as tearing a hundred dollars. The darn thing may not be the same as what you've always hear because there are other arrangers who vary the difficulty of the song, or completely alter the arrangement, and then there's the annoying part where you search up catalogues and you can't find what you want. Arrggghhhh...

I'm glad I've finally gone for an RJ concert after promising to go for two years. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and yes I really did swing my feet to the jazz beat. I liked the way they all seemed to enjoy themselves. I think that the amount of time they were given was quite short, and putting up a performance like that is truly commendable. Well done!

Tomorrow got alumni prac, so after NJ prac I fly straight down to ASS for SIX HOUR PRACTICE. Can die ahhhhhhh...

Of Power and Prerogative

It seems like many current situations call for someone brave to stand up and make a stand. Allocation to NJCSB is ridiculously small, even when it has been promised to us that performing arts groups will get more places because there's the SYF next year. I'm quite appalled by what I've learnt...maybe it's time I took this with a bit more seriousness and get a bit interested. Anderson is also facing trouble and the existence of the very people who berthed the AMB of today are at stake. And now I wonder how we can do anything to help.

We are always in the right to use our prerogative: where we have been treated with less respect than we should have been, then we have to make demands. Indeed, excessive demands or irrational demands can be the manifestation of selfishness, and so inadvertently we stir trouble. But somehow, through time and through the build up of cynicism I've learnt that the world isn't that nice to you to actually even bother to give you a reason as to why something can't be done. You don't even have to expect trouble because the tops won't even bother to listen. Is there any value to our words anymore? Maybe this is highly reflective of the political status quo, where no one dares or bothers to speak up because it seems like no one is willing to listen.

Somehow the way I see it, in order to get the tops to listen to us we need to be able to project a sense of power. We must be able to convince the tops that these petitioners aren't mere people, they are forcing us to listen to them because if we don't, they are capable of throwing us off. This is where power in masses comes in, and if we are able to make people believe in what we stand for, then we can do anything. Currently, we need to make a name for NJCSB and make it better known as the pride of the school instead of some sloppy sleep-ridden creatures that screw up every morning. Similarly, we need to show the school that AMB does not need a change in conductor to get a Gold: what did we prove them three years ago? We need to show that the pride we have in the band is massive enough to move mountains. It is essential to show our commitment and dedication to what we do by constantly practicing and improving ourselves. We drive fear into the hearts of those who see us display such noble qualities because they know that it is these intangible energies that bind an organisation and create team dynamics. The best part about the band is that we can easily make ourselves heard; I mean, we're the band! It is time we muster up all the determination we can have in order to show what we are.

If there were a few things I could wish for, it would be for greater support from the teachers-in-charge. Sure, they could help us in our practices, and they could tell us that when J1s come they should not be told that the canoe team is the best but the band blablabla. But unknowingly their role is the greatest in motivating us and psyching us up into doing more than what we can imagine. I wish they could sit with the leaders and instead of telling us how wrong we're doing things, they could correct us, and then encourage us and challenge us. AMB truly lost a good teacher-in-charge when Ms Lim was transferred. Similarly, of all the band TICs I wll never forget Mr (crap I forgot his name! The maths lecturer who played the oboe!!!). I hope that the TICs in NJC will tell us and reassure us that we can do more than what we are doing now. I think we are blessed with some of the best TICs who have been with us and understand how we move. But it shouldn't work in such a way that they give instructions only and watch us do things. I still believe we are young and need guidance. If the teachers have passion, it will flow down to the committees.

Then, I wish that the committees will be more passionate about what we're doing; whenever we meet it will be one of vigour and zest, knowing we're working towards something big. Somehow, the general feeling I get is that some people just don't feel comfortable about sitting down and talking about serious things. Hmmm...I get the feeling I'm the biggest perpetrator of this crime because I'm unable to be the focused person I was in secondary school, owing to the different environment here. There's this very difficult thin line in which a person must be fun-loving, as well as serious, and I am the one who'd most likely keep on alternating to each extreme all the time.

Wah I'm tired I can't think straight and I think half the things I've said will land me up in trouble again. But I'm dead-serious about one thing: I want NJCSB to reach even greater heights before. We keep telling ourselves our seniors are so good and we'll never be like them, which is bullcrap. The seniors before our seniors I daresay might've been even better than our seniors. We can't let a stupid mentality like that get us down, in fact we should wipe that slate clean and make sure we start fixing a direction. Lastly, we NEED greater lines of communication, accountability and motivation in the rungs of leadership.

I'm feeling very very optimistic about things and I feel like my journey is reaching its peak. I want to make the best out of it. Be cynical if you want about what I say, but remember if you do so you're probably putting yourself at risk and hardening your mind to believing in me and believing in yourselves. If we're able to put more spunk into our family, we may be able to give our future leaders more prerogative to make more noise...and get our way more times. In that way, many more years of success for NJCSB are secured. As for Anderson, though we tread on thin ice, as usual, I believe in our characteristic magically becoming 200% better on the day of the concert. Let's try to relax. I'm sure that the concert will show Mrs Poh how musicians can enjoy themselves in a performance, and how the alumni can be connected to the band no matter what. And maybe this will but Mr Anthony Chew to shame too...

What? AMB in danger?

I think the new principal of Anderson is going to far. I'm not too aware of what the details are, but it seems like her evil doman has no bounds. I do remember saying last year how impressed I was with apparently how much support she gave AMB last year with her very nice speech to the audience. After that she proceeds to implement her totalitarian methods by disallowing any living creature that calls itself part of Anderson to come on Saturdays (5 day work week: is not for you to spend with family but to mug at home i suppose), cancelling the Sec 1 campfire which to any Sec 1 student is the begining of a wonderful life in Anderson, and then demands the stepping down of Sec4 band members right after the concert. But that's not the end.

Judging from the concert, she may want to replace Mr Lim and Mr Yea with some Anthony Chew. Now these people are the guys who took me through my formative band years and who moulded AMBians into what they are today, instilling in them values that till this day I hold true to. But it is not ppl that Mrs Poh the principal appears to be concerned with, but more so the results, and the medals. Mr Chew apparently is a gold medal machine but he makes the band play just two songs a year and that's called musical education.

If Mrs Poh truly wants the school to become better, she needs to rethink her goals and her attitude. She's more interested in producing things to show off, in terms of achievements. Nothing can be more an indicator of achievement than the quality of the student in the school. Mr Yea and Mr Lim have single handedly created a group of people who are totally different from the rest of the school population. Even if in the end they're replaced, my respect for them shall not diminish because they've made more an impact in my life than any other funny conductor from another school could.

In all the years I have never seen a crisis bad as this. The military position pales in comparison. The very being of the band is at stake with our conductors in peril....now only time will yield an answer and I'm hoping the best comes out of it.

Hahaha

Arrived early at the band room and so I played basketball with some of the guys although I was quite apprehensive about sweating. But who cares. Played with reckless abandon and nearly killed eng hong (or was it the other way round). Anyway, it was good to revisit the place I had hurt myself about one month ago. Hoping I would find some remnant of me there, I was disappointed that there was no blood or anything...but anyway it was still a nice visit and it reminded me how stupid I was for being...reckless.

Band was in a sense not what I expected because I called down the section early for sectionals, hoping to do something solid with them. Then in the end we just practiced for the Final Fantasies X-travaganza to get the notes right. So it seemed kinda unfocused but it was good to have things at a good pace instead of so rushed all the time. I think I'm quite bad to the section when it comes to sectionals...ah well. Thinking of merging a few other sections next time to solve rudimentary problems like off-beats. Apart from that, we played two songs only, and Final Fantasies (no offence to Rassull) seemed to be quite humdrum. Somehow, there always seems to be some kind of still intensity in the music; it lacks any characteristic theme or anything in the battle segments. Basically it's just movements of chords from what I heard but maybe I should just take a look at the conductor score next time. But no denying the Brass de Chocobo was cute. Haha somehow I was always interested by the tune that Ashley always used to play to and fro the band room every morning, and I never realised that it was Brass de Chocobo until I played this piece. HAha...

And contrary to the current mood of many people, I'm suddenly feeling very optimistic about the band. Firstly, I think that from where I stand, the band sounds a lot better every morning. People whose opinion I trust say we sound better. The pieces we are playing currently are taking on much better shape. I now feel that if I introduce a few challenging scores, we'll be able to complete them and play them well. I am not being over-ambitious in what I'm saying but I sincerely feel that we're capable of doing a lot better. What's the buzzword again? Passion! And I hope that I can remain true to my vision of NJC. Somehow, ever since the day I came up with it I believe in us even more. This is like an invitation for me to work on certain things which are lacking. I'm really looking forward to the next few months before I step down.

After that, I went for lunch with Alex, Hara, Christina, Clarice and Ashley. It was erm...well interesting, considering we took part in such brainless conversation which always gravitates around the thorny issue of members of the opposite sex. After being featured in Khris' blog, I wonder how many people actually believe that I'm all that patient and tolerant. Maybe for certain things. I truly wonder though, if people are aware that I may be having on of the shortest tempers in the band, especially on bad days. Even the other day Yan Ping said that I hardly ever feel angry with any one of them which is true. But that they don't realise I have the capacity to become fuming angry is scary. Maybe all this is God's way of telling me that I've finally gotten a hold of my temper because truthfully, the occurrences of me feeling like blowing up have lessened. Good thing.

After the whole conversation, I kinda came to certain conclusions which I shall not openly state in this blog but may make known to whom it may concern. Hmmm, all I can say is that I'm finally begining to appreciate certain people more and more and it's kind of a nice warm and fuzzy feeling. Ok..that's all I have for today.

D7

My mom talked with me and I couldn't understand some things. Although I said that I would be happy with the minimum requirement of a D7, my teachers still want me to retake it because it's a 'fail'. And so I thought that although I wouldn't need to see Malay again, instead another dilemma has surfaced. I shall trust my teacher and retake it because it might be detrimental to the future.

Now the discreprancy lies primarily in my character. Is it wrong to not do something that you dislike, or hate? There are some things I dislike but I continue with it because I appreciate the true significance and relevance it has in my life, like PW for example. But Malay is just something I can't. Now I hope I don't get charged for sedition or anything. This issue has been prickly because it interferes too much around my notion of identity. I was kinda surprised my mom said "Isn't it your second language?" I mean, as a subject yes, officially perhaps. But I never use it and don't speak it at home. To me, it has no relevance to my future, neither to my present. In Singapore, there is no true liberty in choosing a language; you can't choose it for your own reasons or whim except for that of the government. As mentioned in the past it's only some ploy to further contribute to the economy as do all the other subjects we take. So it pains me to think that I have to continue with this. A Science can easily be appreciated: it is the study of things that occur around us, and nothing can be more relevant. An Arts to me is something deeper down in the heart. Communication through a language is one thing but as we all know arts appreciation is all based on taste.

I am being disillusioned to this thing of rebelling or resisting what society expects of you if you don't believe it is right. My mom surprised me once again when I asked her if it's wrong to go against what society pre-destines of you, and she said "in the end it all builds character". I can't quite swallow it but I believe she's right. There's something that bothers me about it though. Isn't doing something you dn't like as good as doing something that's pointless? How many times people say don't do a job from which you will not derive pleasure. Do you think that society's imposition of these rules on us are for our good? I would tend to think not...

In the end, it's my stupidity for not doing my own homework and getting me into a situation I don't want to be in. I'm afraid I'm going to have to listen to what Yuan Ping told me and study for the exam to my utmost ability even though it's something I don't like. Maybe this whole 'something I don't like' is pure selfishness on my part. But still there's no logic as to why a person must do something he's not convicted of doing. Having said that, I really need to find what I believe in doing. I hope I can become a more effective person by being more aware of what's happening around me instead of being so locked up in my own world and making judgement on the rest.

I wish there was no need to grow up. My childhood hero was Peter Pan because he never grew old. I wish that instead of becoming an adult and having to work, I could remain forever innocent, inquisitive, not having a perspective that is grounded on anything because I'm just so inexperienced. I wish that everything I saw meant something to me, and everything that I see again has newer meaning.

This whole thing about competition irks me. The ideal goal of education is to produce an individual who can contribute to society. But in order to do that, must he first compete with other's that make up society? That seems contradictory, and damaging. I just don't get it!!! WHY must we be so cut-throat? I can't get a grip on this competition thing and understand how to do it in a more moral and civil way! Please enlighten me someone...

Today has been a sad day. My sister is vomitting and she nearly drank no water at all today. If only my anguish could be written into a book or a song, or painted into a painting or filmed into a movie.

Life is changing...how can anyone remain happy as if nothing's happening?