One of THOSE days

Started with sectionals in the morning. I've realised once again that I neglect a lot of articulatory detail when doing self-practice. No matter, there's still enough time to rectify that.

Went on as usual with lessons. Had a nice discussion with Siew Han and Pauline, my old bandmates. Had Maths which ended promptly and then I was as free as a lark. At 12 30 mind you!!

But I intended to do some practicing instead. Unfortunately, the QMs lessons hadn't ended yet. So I thought I'd do some horribly long due homework. Gave up my measly attempts to complete them and proceeded to the band room. Something descended upon me and for some strange unknown reason, I packed up my flute after squeaking a few notes and left. I was just too down to play.

I think the only reason I wasn't feeling well was nothing other than the fact that I've completely lost momentum of my studies. One thing that doesn't help is that I'm placed in a class of brainiacs. And secondly, they all seem to be very clear as to what they want to do in life, so they start preparing for it now.

Heavens no, I'm having those feelings again!

For a long time my main passion has been music. The depressing part is that I'm not taking it anywhere as far as my flute playing is concerned. I have however been making many compositions that are quite pleasing to me. Unfortunately, the mistake I made 4 years ago is having its aftermath now. Stopping my music and theory lessons have just made me even more regretful.

I'd really like to start taking lessons soon. Especially in theory so it helps in my composition. But my past difficulties with music still haunts me. Will my passion wane again? Will I not be able to sustain my interest in it and keep to my discipline in this rigorous education?

Talking about discipline, that's the main thing that disappoints me. I seriously think that humans have done the most amazing things in the world. They've understood nature and even warred with it, they've scaled the unimaginable and the great in quantity, they've discovered the wonderful, and they've even conquered each other. But the one most difficult thing that many humans are unable to do is have perfect control over their own will and minds.

And that's why I can't seem to drill discipline into me. I've been neglecting homework, I've been neglecting clarifying my doubts, and I've not been diligently practicing my flute. Or exercising.

All that. All that.

And one more thing is that I'm hopelessly smitten again. My stupid heart plays tricks with me. Maybe I should just change my whole perception on this. Let's treat this as fun and not another burden on me.

It just so happened that a cutey I know told my friend that I'm a very nice person. I don't think that's the first time. But anyway, it's not very often I get such compliments. So I'm quite ecstatic, considering the horrible person I am; absolutely underserving of such remarks.

Let's just say that's a perk to the whole gloomy picture.

Speaking of gloomy, it's just ended raining. It's been long since it's rained. I used to think that rain was the coolest thing in the world. But now it just spells glumness. Yuk.

Shall end now.

I am desperately in need of some decent classical music!

The Achievement

Today, I did something totally unexpected. I packed up my PE attire, went to school ten minutes earlier and did 5 rounds. That's what today's entry is mostly about. This

ACHIEVEMENT

Anyway, I reached early, changed, and started jogging in the dark. It was really quite fun being all alone without having the pressure of seeing people zoom past you. But I hated the region where the track coincides with the entrance of school. Whenever I run past, I see people I don't wanna see. People whom I want to avoid so they don't see me in this undignified state. lol.

Anyway, di four rounds initially, then Han Jie came, and after praising me on this new initiative I took (and for not drinking coffee), she got ready for her turn. But then I thought since I had short changed myself by doing just 4 rounds, I'd do one more with her. At least one, cause my ankles hurt. The funny part ws that I thought I had trouble catching up with her. When we started talking about my flat feet while jogging, she asked in confusion how come I still was running so fast. What the...I thought she was the one runnnig fast. I was keeping up with her! Apparently she was the one who was keeping up. Haiya

Had a whole solid one and a half hours of history lecture today. Wah headache man! The subject forcefeeds loads of information into your head. THe worst part is that there's no time to fully process and assimilate the information into your head. What happens when you need to recall such information when you want to do essays? Holy Mackarel. History is gonna be a great challenge. I was begining to doubt that I'd make it through the year.

But I'll make sure I will. I will

Breakthrough

I've dropped the Incredibles layout cause I thought it was too impractical and aesthetically offensive.

So I tried one of the pre-existing blogger templates (instead of browsing through billions of other people's creations) and finally managed to figure out how to set up links!

At a posh restaurant
Man:(in a cheeky tone)You're look so delicious to me today.
Woman:(giggles meekly)wow. why?
Man:Cause I'm hungry enough to eat a horse.

Woman gets up from seat promptly and leaves in disgust
Man:Cheque please

Magnifique!

Ze end of ze orientation has come. And now, zut! Back to zose freaking studies.

Well. O2 was a beat dreary but what the heck. It ended quite ok today. With the dancing and all. What was so amazing was how I didn't smash into Ai Ling when she was my partner, doing Summer Nights. When I tried with Jun Ying, boy did I feel sorry for his body. Boom. Need I say more.

Moral of the story: It pays to dance with a Chinese Dancer!!! No, more importantly, it pays to not dance with Craig

Had a frucus with my damn pants and although my parents were quite angry they were understanding and let me swallow the bitterness my mistake gave me (instead of doing stupid things that might degrade me to the level of a primary school student).

THere's this CHIJ TP girl in my school who's new. She asked me for directions on the first day of school (I mean second intake first day). Somehow, I can't shake the feeling off that I've seen her somewhere. Something so familiar about that face. But when I take another look at it, it doesn't feel familiar anymore. Better stop thinking about that face. It might just permanently get burnt in my mind then whoa all the best to me.

Finished yet another composition. This time I was adventurous and did a brass fanfare. The MIDI that Noteworthy offers is inadequate to satisfy my standards for listening to a piece. It lacks the 'shiok' factor that only the acoustic models can administer. Sid says it's noisy. I'm just begining to wonder...I'm making so many songs, and I see very soon I'll be moving away from piano and might start doing brass and string ensembles now that I'm understanding it better.

Would anyone wanna play it for me? I mean a band or a pianist.

Probably not.

Pooooi.

WEll...nevermind

Edwin's gone

He's gone.

Memories have much value now, it seems. From the first day he forced me to lend him (more like 'give' him) 80cents for lunch, to the day we finally trusted each other to confide in our secrets, these things are mere memories. Disappointinly, it hurts to know so well that these memories are just gonna lie dormant in a matter of time.

But now that he's gone and his life changes, I wish him all the best in assimilating into a new environment. You've done it before when you came here from Msia, so I guess it ain't no problem.

What I truly admire about him is nothing more than the courage he's shown in braving the trials that AMB has thrown in his way. It's so encouraging.

It's more rewarding to know that he's been my best friend and will ever be.

This is begining to sound like an eulogy.

It's been long since I last blogged. Nothing wonderful has happened. I'm confirmed in NJC now and I shall begin wearing the uniform from tmrw. It's been my wish to do it since last year. I lurve the uniform!

Band is getting increasingly encouraging. Amazonia feels SCAaAaaAaRRrrrRyy. It's a good sign. It means the song is taking such good structure that the music is becoming tangible.

If I want to become a student conductor, I must meditate on how this phenomenon occurs.

Siging out now.

PLEASE TAG!!!

Encounter with the soul

AMB band camp has been on the last two days.

I went briefly yesterday in the afternoon. And boy did I come at the right time. Mr Yea was showing band his fantabulous collection of Music DVDs. When I sat myself down and learnt he was showing Jap bands, I thought to myself "Oh some more boring jap band stuff". The reason I thought this was because they are so perfect that they sound dull. It's like something so powerful it numbs your mind. I realised yesterday however, that listening to a jap band is deceivingly different from watching one.

We all know jap bands normally have the good band tone and everything asssociated with it. But the main thing that distinguishes a jap band from many of our own best bands is their showmanship. Nothing else. Watching them perform adds a new dimension. The true essence of the phrase 'Sights and Sounds' comes to life. I mean, it causes you to have a distasteful feeling in your mouth when you think of stone cold bands like ahem.

The Sec 1 and 2 equavalents in Japan not only boast higher proficiency in their performance, they have that showmanship. It blows you off. And it gets even more scary as they grow older: the high school band played the song AMB's been trying to play for a long time: "African Symphony: Ritual and ceremony" something liddat. (actually why did we stop? It was kinda becoming easy after a while). It was probably heavily modified because I couldn't recall half of what they played. But the solos where WHOOSH. What Marcus told me about Jap flautists is true: they have very pretty sounds. Why can't I have one?

And it went to the university level. THey played The Planets:Jupiter. It had a truly orchestral tone, something that only the extremely proficient wind bands have. scary

The last bit Mr Yea showed us that blew me off was some Saxophone guy who's supposedly the best in Japan. He was doing a solo performance with Tokyo Kosei WO. He played that song what'sitcalledwhat'sitcalled "They way things were"? Well, whatever it is, AMB attempted it last year with XR as the soloist. And his performance was nothing on thei earth.

I could see the culmination of my beliefs in him: that technical skills must be mixed with music. Cause when he closed his eyes, he poured his heart out, all the music spilling, all aided by the ultimate control he had on his instrument. And he took the floor.

As I could see, he had an encouter with his soul. At the end of his performance, he shed tears of joy; the kind of tears you shed when you do feel that something special you've never felt before.

It was truly inspiring. And I'm working to that. But it means I get a hold on taht dumb instrument, because I know that I have all the music anyone could want. I just need to control it 'out'.

The Root of all Sin

The third day of the holidays comes to a close with the moon taking its rightful place in the night sky. Unfortunately, it seems like the moon's half eaten.

I had a lazy begining to the day which I wish I could've enjoyed everyday. Then in the afternoon, I had band. I intentionally tried to reach early to play badminton, but no one was in the mood to play. I wish people would play. It's such a great game! It's so easy, plus it requires a great deal of reflexes, which I major at. Anyway, the fact was no one wanted to, so I started practicing instead.

For sectionals today, we had family sectionals, ie brass and woodwinds (plus percussion).

Kinda cool. Did our stuff. Practiced.Nothing much happened except I needed to pee twice, in two hours. I had had too much water apparently. During my second calling, I tried to squeeze out of the small amount of space that my stand and the adjacent one allowed me, and at that moment, I thought Bo Yang called out to me. Bo Yang's my student conductor. Upon hearing his voice, I promptly turned my head towards him, and that disrupted my balancing act. That caused me to start flailing my arms haplessly as I struggled to regain my footing, successfully establishing balance again a few feet away. Apparently, the sight was quite funny for many, so I became a laughing stock. I was more than pleased of course to provide some laughter for some poor souls who were stuck on their poor seats getting bored. Not that I'm saying sectionals are boring. NVM

I'm getting to silently know more people in band. Not only in terms of their names, but also their 'styles' (everyone's got their own style if you know what I mean. For example, I'm a lame clown, and so I act in that way), their facial features, their inner character. Sounds deep? Anyway, things like Natalie (or Natalia like Mr Ho mistakingly identifies her as) has a cute way of screwing up her nose when smiling. And that Clarice has an attitude during sectionals. lol.

And another thing I just realised was that there's also an underpopulation of boys in NJCSB!!! HA! And I thought I ran away from that problem after passing out of AMB. What will become of US??? Well it doesn't matter really, I kinda don't find a need to complain. The girls are not as bad compared to AMB. Not as siao, for one thing. ha.

Along the course of conversation, we were talking about a bandsman's attitude, and Bo Yang said that the most important thing is that we shouldn't think about ourselves only. There're other people out there who need practice in specific parts of a song, and a person mustn't think they're good enough for that part that they don't need to sit through those few minutes. Selfishness basically. I could identify with that to a small degree.

Pride and ego are normally more prevalent in boys. And it makes girls sick. Perhaps they don't or haven't cared to understand why this phenomenon occurs, so that they can either empathise, or know why they're getting sick of it.

I was bragging, with an 'as-a-matter-of-fact'ly tone that "I've also memorised both SYF pieces". Not that I was lying, but I was announcing it very abrasively. This is an example of what boys would normally do. This is something veeeery common that happened between boys in my last school, be it in studies or in band. The thing is, boys, and in fact all men have a pressure to outperform the neighbour. It's a matter of survival in the end. It's biologically proven in the animal kingdom that males have to exert their superiority to get the food, the territory, and most importantly, the mate. Nothing's different in humans. We have a natural urge to be more superior to everyone else. To do that, we must instill fear. And the only way to instill fear successfull is to make a public statement. Let's look at the animals again. In the end, the winner is always the stronger one. But if a competitor is not up to the challenge, it will back off, and declare loss. Same thing here. If we can psychologically condition someone to think that we're better, the other one will retreat. Eventually we rule supreme.

So why is there a need to rule supreme? Basically the convention that the male is the head of the family, and the main player in society. Not only does he feed the family, he clothes them, provides them other essentials like shelter, education and security. Such things are factors that make a man so zealous to achieve. And this achievement is found by being the supreme winner. So when he plays in society (at work, etc.), he must compete aggresively. And the most lethal way to compete, is to compete psychologically.

That's why pride and ego are innate. They can be good actually. It ensures that we don't slacken and become incompetent after time. When a boy sees someone doing better than him in his field of profession, it bothers him, and he works harder to show that he's better than that someone. That's why it's very common to see men more succesful in life (assuming girls aren't as egoistic as boys).

That's why we keep on fighting, and more importantly, can't take insults. Insults burst our ego balloons. It makes us more bitter and vicious cause we channel all our energy into upgrading ourselves, and that leads to much emotional stress.

But I realised something has drastically changed nowadays. Although there's still a competitive spirit in boys, facing competition or getting insulted has a different effect on boys. We don't seem to be as adversely affect as before: something that causes me to think we've become indifferent to pressure. I'll show you why by giving you an example.

Here's the scenario. An ass (and I mean an airheaded ass) says that my fluting sucks. And I can't play it for nuts. Ok suppose he's more specific and shows me what's wrong with me, like errrrr...I haven't mastered controlling my flute properly. Chances are I'll feel like smashing that's guys teeth. But I'll control myself and put him to eternal shame by proving him otherwise (ah the proving mechanism. It's another concept you need to understand.) So I get to practicing immediately. Then it dawns on me: How much time do I need before I finally manage to reach the standard I'm targetting? For something as difficult to grasp as control, it'll take many years if I'm not talented enough. I'll give up then, knowing that it's not economical to continue.

The problem is that we live in a day and age that demands things to happen at the snap of a finger. Snap snap! And such things like upgrading your skills up a notch takes an enormous amount of time. Impatience will get the better of us. tsktsk. In the end we decide that it's not worthwhile anymore.

I'm guilty.

I'm very guilty.

And I think you should be too.

New Skin!

No not that skin, you moron! Not the one that's covered with hair (in my case, it would be 'covered with lots of hair to the power of 10).

Anyway, I got tis blogskin from blogskins.com I think. Er, credit goes to whoever it belongs to. Thanks for putting me so prominently on this blogskin!

Yes, look at the man second to the left. That's me. Muahahahahahaha

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'VE GO THE INCREDIBLES BLOGSKIN AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!

End of Term 1

Great. Everything I'd done was gone in a few seconds, thanks to my hanging laptop. No, I mean the computer hung; it's not suspended from the ceiling or whatever. Anyway, now that I'm using the main Pc, and the keyboard is much smoother, I can shoot of another one.

Basically, I was recollecting how significant today has been, in signifying the fact that the First 3 months have come to an end. It's been a great season of knowing more people in my class, band, OG, etc etc, and also a good time of learning. It's opened my eyes to the rigours of the Stupid A level life and I know how to combat stupidity and make the most out of my stay.

I'm really sorry for those who'll be separated from us due to unexpected bad results. But there's always an oppurtunity to attain at your dreams, and if not, there's always a new dream to look forward to.

THat's about all I said before I lost it all to the evil laptop.

I was thinking about the tenacity of the human spirit and how it's relevant to now. Remember the movie Cast Away, in which Tom Hanks' character is stranded on an island when his plane explodes in mid- air? What struck me the most was how he didn't decide to say "Oh dear. Got no car. Got no wardrobe. Got no MacDonalds/Burger King and whatever other vile fast food restaurant there is that turns you into fat slobs. I think I'll stay here, rot in these filthy cloths and starve." Instead, he started using his ingenuity and willpower to adapt to the new and dangerous environment. And in the end, he makes it after he's managed to build a boat to return to his old land. Whoa. Now that was a quintessential example of the human spirit.

We don't have to do something as bombastic as getting ourselves stuck on an island to prove that we're determined. THat's what these OBS and other leadership courses are doing. But the fact is, we can prove ourselves even more on the real platform of life. When difficult circumstances face us, how we react to it and what we resolve to do will determine how we end up. Normally, desperation is the impetus of such a human phenomenon. And I realise that in my case and probably many others, when I'm in the most hopeless state am I the most desperate. I feel horribly depressed if I'm in a sticky situation, but even then I know that I'll pick myself up and continue. Since the begining of PE in JC, I've realised how unhealthy I've become. Probably due to my waning hormones, but more probably due to these 3 long months of relentless studying, and laziness, and greed. I can't pass my 2.4, I can't pass my pull ups, and standing broad jump, although I was really hoping, hasn't magically become any easier for me. The pressure of being the least fit members of my class is horrible. And to top it up, having less classmates reduces the possibility of having anyone worse than you, so that you at least are aware that you're not all that bad. But that anyone doesn't exist in my class.

I was feeling so bad for a long time. But that didn't make me take the jump (nah still haven't considered that as an option and I won't ever), but instead I decided to hit the gym at least once a week and go jogging. How long has it lasted? Dunno. I'm sure it's stopped, that's all. At least it's proven to me that my hopelessness did bring about some desperation that brought about the determination I needed to fuel my quest to shed those freaking pounds.

I resolve to run regularly during the hols, and if possible, go to the gym regularly, so that I am in better shape. I don't know if I'll keep to my resolution. But I'll make sure it happens, just you see!

The good thing about Pe today was that it was all games and nothing. So we played Basketball. It was definitely less depressing than yesterday's soccer episode. What I can't understand is how girl's can sometimes think during games. It's so weird. Firstly, they think that boys are strong and grizzly and invincible on field/court. Just because you are a boy, you're better at sports. So they insist on forming the bigger team. So it's 4 girls, who've played basic soccer before, against 3 boys, who've not played in years/months, and have no inclination to the game. What's more, THEY ASK MR TONG THAT HULK OF A PE TEACHER TO BE THE GOAL KEEPER!!! Explain to me, having the hulk guard that post, that hulk that can stick out his arm and touch the other side of the post, and 4 girls on field, against 2 poor little boys on field, and one goalkeeper who had to double up as a fielder, how IN THE WORLD IS THAT FAIR? And no one wanted to honour the offside rule. I was the goalkeeper, by the way.So if I had gone too far up while trying to make the kill against the girls, and one of them decide to kick back at us really hard, or if Mr Tong got his hands on the ball and pumped towards our goal, then one of the girls would run after it, while I catch up and try not to kill them accidentally while trying to attempt to steal the ball, and there she'd go and kick it into the goal post, which is impossible to miss at such a range. No wonder we lost 5-0.

They come up to us in the end and say girls rule. Is the word chauvinist confined to boys only?

Girls, don't get angry at what I said. You have to understand that although we are expected to be bigger and stronger and somehow better at sports, there are sports ethics and common rules that we must follow, and one of them is not to injure another sportsman during the game intentionally. Since you're a girl, we will gladly give you more way and not exert our superior strength on you. Like how I refused to take away the ball from you because I was scared I might hurt you. I would have massacred you if you were a boy. So don't be afraid next time and do things that will prick our egos. PLEASE!!!

Oh, and if you snarl at what I said about our superior strength and all that, hey, that's what you said! You didn't want to play equally with us 'cause "Boys are stronger and faster". 'Nuff said.

So PE was fun today cause girls may be able to kick balls, but they can't hold them. That's the boys speciality, and it's understandable (you only know why!).

I'm trying to figure out how to upgrade my blog and make it more userfriendly for All the people of the world!. In the maentime, I know you don't know this exists. But you'll know someday. Muahaha

I sign of here. Goodbye!

Walking, depressed, but not knowing it.

Damn. Siew Han blew my top today

Siew Han is my ex-classmate from ASS, and she's in RJC now. So she decides to crash NJC today and leave her stupid comments back. Firstly, she says that NJC doesn't have as many cute guys as RJC. And then she says that NJC has no cute guys because of guys like me! Ha, I can imagine. Think of those girly Chinese pop stars on TV. Or some hunk that wears specs and mugs all day long, while attempting to flaunt his 'natural' attractiveness. Either way, I still think that the idea of a cute RJC guy is a bit foreign.

Ok, now that I've insulted the RJC guys badly, I take back everything and tell you what I'm truthfully thinking. RJC guys and NJC guys are all damn cute looking. We all know the garbage about inner beauty and all that (although beauty is not legitimately applicable for boys here), but maybe it takes on a relevant meaning over here. A boy is only cute because he exudes youth. I might have a problem due to my magnificent (more like monstrous) size and build, and the facial hair that makes me look like a terrorist, and my body hair that makes me look like a wooly mammoth. I look very eeeeerm pubertally mature (???) so I can't really show the cute-boy energy that cute boys are supposed to show. Point made. But still; don't compare boys, it makes me feel very awkward. Very Sad indeed.

I was looking through someone's reunion dinner pic, and I thought maybe I oughta explain why I failed to turn up at the event. It is an important event indeed, for the band, but somehow, I had trivial reasons that compounded togther and stoped me from really wanting to go.

Firstly, it's my nature to be shy and unwilling to meet new people. Although they're like our forefathers, and as a present member I should know the people who were behind the scenes to make my band the band it is today, my withdrawn nature prevented me from doing so. Moreover, it's really not my culture to participate in reunions of any sort, the prime reason being that I'm a Eurasion (a darn potent mixture as you all know, of Indian, Greek and small bit of Portuguese), I don't abide by any traditions. Even the normal setting up of Christmas trees is not practiced in my house. For the Chinese however, reunion dinners are an integral part of their customs during Chinese New Year. You can understand then my reluctance to not go.

I apologise for being silly not to go. I thought it might be a waste of time. I didn't go although I knew that Marcus my idol would be coming. That's how reluctant I was to go. Sorry. But I promise that no storm, earthquake, tsunami, pestilence or doomsday event (alien invasion or meteor shower) will stop me from coming next year. I know the J2s well enough and I would want to meet up with them next year.

Today's been a disappointing day. Started with self-sectionals. I'm losing the fuel. I seemed to not be in form today, and so my pratice was unfruitful and frustrating. I wasn't peeved at Edo's torturous warm ups today though, and I won't want to be till heaven and earth fades away (I learnt that this is called euphemism during lit crash lecture yesterday. Basically it means till I die.). His warm ups are for my benefit. I won't deny that anymore and I'll endure the pain, knowing that only good comes out of it.

Apart from that self-sectional episode, my Malay today sucked cause I failed all my assignments with astronomically LOW marks (got you there. By the way, that's called an oxymoron. It's a contradiction between 2 words. Learnt it during lit crash lecture again. Actually I always knew it). So that was it. Bah I hate Malay.

Then crashed History. Not that it was depressing, it just made me realise that if I want to take History after 1st 3 months, I'm gonna have to do a looooooooooot of reading. I've started already, and I can understand why Jeffrey likes Southeast-Asian history so much. It's so full of richness! But strangely the lecture today jumped to the Cold War. Dunno if that's the normal syllabus or what: all I know is that I was kinda lost again. I mean I like history, but worryingly I didn't know basic things crucial for comprehending the gabra that Mr Low was talking about. Like Poland was part of USSR. I kinda couldn't rmb which part of Germany was communist (USSR) and which one wasn't. My classmates claimed they didn't know what was being taught, too. But I can't let this happen. I never allow myself to not understand what the teacher is blabbering.

Anyway, the History lecture is history. Siew Han came and did what she did to me. It ended beautifully with the 4 girls and PE teacher beating the 3 boys at soccer. Damn.

From now on, I'm affectionately known as spongebob due to my yellow, absorbent and sweat filled shirt. That's the perk of the day. Thanks Adabelle!

Good night everyone and thank you for dropping by.

New Conformations

It's been a long time since I last blogged but that doesn't bug me at all.

I've suddenly decided to succumb to my passion for blogging again because seeing some of my seniors blogs, and seeing the standard of thought displayed in their blogs really ignited it. Not like the other AMB people...obviously they regard band as an integral part of their life and band somehow manages to reach their blogs. But obviously there is nothing much evident in their blog that reflects their care and concern for the 'advancement' of the band. Anyway, this is a new side to the seniors and I can see that the seniors are really cool people; very dedicated indeed to the band, and working quite well together, from what I see. It feels good to know that there is a good structural support to the band that is held up by the J2s...meaning that aiyah you know lah. Metaphors should not be explained sometimes.

Anyway, upon reading You Zhi's blog, I was stung at the incompetency I've been showing as a flute player. I confess that I saw band in NJC as being nothing but an escapade from the stress that is normally found in band. Everyone knows what I was like in AMB. I was always very involved in the state of affairs and the status quo. I pressured my section to do well...and we became the best section. Whether my actions are indicative of a good leader or not is a different thing altogether...I admit I made many a mistake. But the more important thing is that I was responsible for the outcome of the section and what happened to it before I left. I needed to pass down the flute legacy that Marcus left on me.

And apart from the flute legacy, I wanted so very much for legacy of the past seniors to be passed down to the band. After the deterioration of the bandsman spirit in AMB, I took it on myself to try to strategically talk to some impt leaders, and write letters to the leaders to give them my advice, and the advice that many of my batchmates wanted to give.

All in all it made me a constipated person: always outcome oriented. If I did not see my objective come to pass, it displeased me. For that reason many people saw me as a no-messer. I was a no-messer. I didn't want people to think band was all playtime. It was disgraceful to think of this whole band family thing as a mere reason to lose all your focus on the true meaning of band: setting up a community of music lovers, and exuding the spirit of it all: music. It became a place for people to show superficial friendliness and somehow also a place where these superficial transactions of friendliness were not backed up with trust, or true corp d'esprit that takes place between brothers and sisters of the same cause. All in all it ends up with conflict.

I'm not saying that such things are avoidable: they're inevitable. But if one looks back and sees what caused the problem (that being the lack of unity and corp d'esprit) then you'd be disgusted too. The outcome of a conflict depends on the relationship between the two or more parties. If we had truly good 'inter-family' ties within the ranks of bandsmen (really sounds military eh?) then the conflicts would have been resolved sooner, or with less scars.

Anyway, all these events have effectively scarred me and my batchmates, which is why band in NJCSB has been all to rosy. But like I was saying before I joined NJCSB, "I'm scared I'm gonna become a constipated fart and become all stressed up for the SYF like 2 years ago." Yup, that was my lamentation.

Now, I realise that I must become that fart. But I won't become constipated. In the sense that I'm not going to be emotionally, mentally and physically restricted by pressures of being part of a good SYF performance. I will push myself and others for a good cause: for the glory of the band. I must make my utmost contribution, to prove my loyalty to the band.

Hard work is not an option but a necessity. I will not let my Band Major say there is a margin between HC, SA, TP whatever whatever and us. I want to be part of the team of people that will close that gap. I want to help NJCSB have a place on the map of the band.

And to change NJCSB, I must first change myself.

I must thank NJCSB for providing me with a good start. I like the seniors because they've been very accomadating to us juniors, and very hospitable. I feel very comfortable being with them. Helping me to loosen up was the best thing that I've been blessed with in NJCSB because now I can finally recover effectively from the fisticuffs I had in my previous band.

So from now on, I will revert to my section leader self again; pushy, but only on myself. I want to motivate my section members instead. I will abuse myself from now on; I refuse to put other people into the picture. And since I know (and many ppl can testify to it) that my abuse is life changing, I will definitely improve not only technically and superficially, but emotionally as well.

I make a new conformation to this band, and to the flow it takes to the SYF.